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Old 09-25-2012, 02:36 AM   #1
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a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

hello, i am a guy who has been going out with my wonderful girlfriend for three years. basically this is hard for me to get into but i really would appreciate feedback!!! it would mean alot to clear my head . i am 24 and she is 23 now.

my girlfriend and i have spent many great times together, we live close, and see each other very often, our friends became friends because of us. and have been labelled the dream couple amongst them. im going to be honest when writing this so please dont take it the wrong way...i made many a move to try to woo her in our beginning, at many times, i could of gvien up but i credit myself to never quitting on what i loved. it prob took me 3-4 months to get the words out of her mouth, that she had deep feelings for me, i was pretty certain she did, i just thought she was pretty shy, insecure from previous relationship and was in no rush to take things by any means related to fast.
we clicked and everything was amazing. i would consider us a good fit, as far as looks not one of us is way better than the other, being honest i would say she has a way better face and that i have a much better body, due to my passion for fitness and her lack of. this is importnant to me, because i love fitness, and wished my soul mate did, plus having a good body is a big plus to me. i feel her lack of confidence stems from this.

in our first year, we had sex often, i was worried deep down i might lose her, she goes out alot, her girlfriends were single and i worried about her loyalty. it would turn out that my deepest fear caused our first relationship crack. but it was me, not her, who was sending pics and talking/flirting with other girls.i dont think i would of ever done anything, but the thrill of flirting was still lingering from my single days. i was deeply hurt, not near as much as her, but you just dont realise how bad u stuff up until it hits you. to her credit, she stayed strong, and i wanted to prove myself as her personailty is amongst the best i have ever seen in a female. she is marriage material.
i am very proud that when she went away for 2 weeks with her grilfriends, i did not flirt once with any female. i saw this as a great improvement, but i did not need to resist, for, i missed her more than anything i had ever missed in my life, it was only two weeks, and to this day, i can only laugh at how badly i struggled,

somewhere in the second year, our sex went downhill, bad, once a week, to once a month, once in a blue moon, she started to say that she was stinging inside often. i tried things, but the problem has to this day not been solved, she lost her confidence, it hurt her, she felt i would leave her, she started to avoid sex. i tried alot but ultiamtely failed. i need sex, i dont know if she does. but i also need it for our love in our relationship not just the sex.
we have had sex maybe 2-3 times in the year 2012 our third year so far. a true low point of our lives. only three years ago we would accumlate that in a day. i admit i have gotten used to this, but at the same time, the problem is their, its like a lock on the door, we wont be able to progress ultimately in the future, or will we, such is how my mind thinks on the issue.

all i know is, i highly rank that as the underlying issue in any problems that arise with us. she is the most loyal girl i have ever met, when i was insecure in the first year. i used to check her phone, not once did i ever find anything, or not one thing have i ever heard in three years has lead to any misjudgement, she is truly a great girl. for her looks, that is a great catch. its just through lack of no sex these things creep in
- less kissing
- less cuddling in bed
- less affection
- no affection in public
- i feel she has become more stubborn even though she is very

one thing that hasnt stopped is that we still say we love each other every day. we basically never fight but normally all i do is agree with whatever situation she wants and their will never be an argument. which is where the latest problem starts.
i want her to start doing exercise, shes not overweight, i do fear she becomes that, but she isnt in as good a sahpe as she has been and she could be amazing if she even did exercise. she has put on enough weight to raise the question from the boyfriends persepctive in my opinion. i am a fitness trainer btw who is failing to motivate his grilfriend haha. doing just fine at work though which is what frustrates me.

anyways in a nutshell she doesnt have no time, no interest blah blah blah, i basically gave her the ultinatium, ill come over if i can run you through a workout, look from a girls perspective. harsh? granted, but i saw this as an important moment, kind of like ive let her do her thing all year now we gotta get you going and hopefully she can become self reliant. anyways shes stubborn, took the maybe option which means no, and i persisted to she said in 5 weeks when uni finishes, i said let me know when ur ready before that, and then replied whatever it takes.. so we arent talking tonight which is rare , im sure we will by end of night, we both miss each other to much toeasily.
but as you see, we have this problem, im mentally fully aware, of the sexual problem, im sure she is aware of it to, however , we dont even bring it up anymore. also, if we go out , drinking, normally we would always have sex after, now she basically rolls over says shes too titred and almost forces herself to sleep.

to anyone who has taken the time to read this, thank you,
is there anything you suggest, she has seen a doctor he said no issue with her,, i think she needs another asessement, it prob took her a year to even get it checked, sigh

 
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Old 09-25-2012, 03:35 AM   #2
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Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

Hi i can relate with you because my boyfriend has erection problems! Sex was a very important part of my previous relationships but not so much in this one. ... he has tried hypnotherapy , doctors, specialitsts, etc and they cant find a problem.. at the moment he is taking medication for it....
Anyway it seems your girlfriend is happy having a sex free life.. it s not important to some people... it could be because she feels overweight. or it hurts etc.... you need to talk to her and find the route of the problem... it may be that she does nt deem it to be important and is happy not having sex... if she feels there is an issue and its important to her she will try to fix it in my opinion anyway !!

Last edited by Administrator; 09-25-2012 at 01:33 PM.

 
Old 09-25-2012, 03:50 AM   #3
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sadsam24 HB User
Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

Quote:
Originally Posted by hazel680 View Post
Hi i can relate with you because my boyfriend has erection problems! Sex was a very important part of my previous relationships but not so much in this one. ... he has tried hypnotherapy , doctors, specialitsts, etc and they cant find a problem.. at the moment he is taking medication for it....
Anyway it seems your girlfriend is happy having a sex free life.. it s not important to some people... it could be because she feels overweight. or it hurts etc.... you need to talk to her and find the route of the problem... it may be that she does nt deem it to be important and is happy not having sex... if she feels there is an issue and its important to her she will try to fix it in my opinion anyway !!
thanks for your quick reply, yer your probablly right, its a hard thing to deal with, it helps show im strong in a way that i can live a good relationship without sex but it also can make me sad, wishing we had that element back in our lives. either way i need to talk with her more about it, i guess i need to work on how i approach the conversation

 
Old 09-25-2012, 06:31 AM   #4
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Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

your story is matching with my life also. My GF have same issue when we dating, but after marriage this problem was gone. She feels that, she is secure now with me.

For this problem, we both seat and we tried to understand each other regarding SEX matter. So, try that and hope that will helps you for your future life.

 
Old 09-25-2012, 06:55 AM   #5
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Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

I must admit that I would probably go off sex if my partner worried about my body as much as you are critical of hers. It is obvious from reading your post that this is a big issue for you and If you have said half this stuff to her it is no wonder she has lost confidence in her appeal. There is no bigger turnoff than your partner casting a judgmental eye over your body and trying to get you to measure up. If you really love someone you are not trying to tweak them, you accept them as they are. If your gf let herself go and got fat and stopped trying then maybe you would have a case to worry, but this girl is not in that situation. Obviously being loving, beautiful, loyal and amazing is not enough, you need to 'improve' her. "Could be amazing if you exercised" is not a line to make a woman feel like making love to the person who says it. Sera

 
Old 09-25-2012, 08:25 AM   #6
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Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

I was just going to make the same point as Sera. The last thing that a girl who already has insecurity issues needs to hear from her boyfriend is that she needs to get in shape. It's no wonder she's not interested in you anymore since you've made her feel bad about herself.

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who isn't equally obsessed with fitness. I can think of about 60 other way more fun and cool things to do rather than work out and I'm sure your gf feels the same. I dated a guy like you long ago and he was just like this, harassing me about going to Bally's 5 imes a week. I did it but I hated every minute of it! The more he pushed me, the less I found him attractive and we stopped all intimate contact because it was repulsive to me that this guy who criticized my body constantly wanted to have sex with me. It was a total turn off for me. I'm sure it is for your girlfriend too. I wouldn't be surprised if she is really majorly hurt by your critical comments and as a result doesn't find you attractive anymore.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 09-25-2012 at 01:28 PM. Reason: Unnecessary comments removed.

 
Old 09-25-2012, 06:44 PM   #7
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sadsam24 HB User
Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I must admit that I would probably go off sex if my partner worried about my body as much as you are critical of hers. It is obvious from reading your post that this is a big issue for you and If you have said half this stuff to her it is no wonder she has lost confidence in her appeal. There is no bigger turnoff than your partner casting a judgmental eye over your body and trying to get you to measure up. If you really love someone you are not trying to tweak them, you accept them as they are. If your gf let herself go and got fat and stopped trying then maybe you would have a case to worry, but this girl is not in that situation. Obviously being loving, beautiful, loyal and amazing is not enough, you need to 'improve' her. "Could be amazing if you exercised" is not a line to make a woman feel like making love to the person who says it. Sera
i appreciate your feedback, i acknowledge that how hurtful my comments could come across as. its defiantly a difficult subject in most cases to touch on with nay female when regarding exercise if it is not in their passion. its not like i have been persistant in asking for it, i may of waited even a year before trying to touch on the subject again. however i completely agree that, the object here isnt to shatter a loved ones heart, im going to be with her whether she exercises or not im just trying to get her involved. anyways i get what your saying and i did feel bad with what i said in reflection.

 
Old 09-25-2012, 11:46 PM   #8
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Re: a 3 year dream relationship falling apart in process

There appears to be so many different layers to this issue that I don't think can be solved with only criticism for your for [I]your[I] criticism of your girlfriend. I think its the tip of the ice burg.
However, what screams out to me is that you seem to miss most the lack of intimacy and you're trying to use fixing her body "flaws" as a way to regain the intimacy you've lost. Its a misguided coping strategy in my opinion.
I think you need to be truthful with what really feel is worng/missing in the relationship and choose proportionate and corresponding solutions to whatever those issues are.

Last edited by jozi209; 09-25-2012 at 11:49 PM.

 
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