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Old 09-26-2012, 09:59 AM   #1
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Unhappy my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

I have posted before about my issue. It breaks my heart to even have to post about it but I feel as if I have no one to talk to. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel numb towards everything and everyone especially my boyfriend of 3 and a half years. We have had an amazing relationship up until a month ago. I felt as if I was losing feelings for him and it was scaring me because there was no reason why I was feeling that way. I have been crying everyday since then. I think I was over thinking things and my brain was playing tricks on me. Well we went to Texas and it helped us tremendously. But when we got back home I started to slip back into how I was feeling before. Now I feel stuck. He's an amazing guy and I don't want to throw away our relationship. When I look at him or into his eyes I don't feel those butterflies and warm comfort feelings of "I love you more than anything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" etc anymore. I used to think he was the cutest boy in the world and now I don't. Sex is awkward because of how I'm feeling. I hate it because I know deep down that I love him but I cant shake how I'm feeling. I don't want us to be over. I can't picture myself with anyone else and the thought of him with another girl kills me. I feel as if were meant to be but my brain is holding me back. I also don't feel like myself and feel weird around everyone. I don't feel like ME anymore. I just want my feelings back. Could this be depression? All of our friends keep saying it will pass and he says it will too and that he wants me to do what will make me happy..but I want to be happy with him! :'( any advice?

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 04:46 AM   #2
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

Hey, I'm in a similar situation to be honest. Two months ago I had the thought what if my relationship doesn't work out and that led to me worrying that it meant I was going off my boyfriend of 2 years! I just couldn't understand where these thoughts had come from, I'd gone from happy, secure and content one day to an emotional insecure mess!

Now I'm constantly worrying that I'm going off him and these thoughts are in my mind all of the time. The thing is when I'm with him I still love touching and kissing him and spending time with him and when we were on holiday, my mind was taken off the situation and everything was fine.

Now we're back from holiday, the thoughts are back. If I see a good looking guy normally I'd just think they're nice looking and then dismiss them from my thoughts but now I worry that it means I'm going off my boyfriend.

I feel completely insecure with myself and like I've let myself down by having these thoughts. Before the thought entered my mind I was sure we'd be together for a long time because we make such a great couple. We're made for each other. He's made me so happy and I value our relationship more than anything. But I obsess about things and I'm obsessing about these thoughts.

My boyfriend knows everything and is being so supportive. I think because he knows how good our relationship is and that this is just a minor blip. I think if I hadn't gone from happy and content one day to panicking the next, they'd be true thoughts but as I did, they can't be. Plus I still love him, I know deep down I do!

I love our relationship and don't want it to be over. I need to just control my anxiety about everything and keep rationalising. I'm actually starting hypnotherapy this week to try to deal with my anxiety. I just want normal me back. Happy, secure me!

I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Not sure how much advice I can give but surely if you really were going off your boyfriend, you'd know it was the right thing to not be with him anymore?! Perhaps you're just over thinking things like I am? How do you act when you're with him? Do you still like spending time with him and kissing him? Sometimes if you're overanalysing the situation, it can make things worse.

I started reading a book called 'stop thinking, start living' which made a lot of sense and helped a lot. It was basically saying that thoughts are just thoughts and are not reality, they're your imagination creating either your past or future thoughts and only when you are in a healthy state if mind can you know which are real thoughts and make the right decisions.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:11 AM   #3
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

.Its nice knowing that I'm not alone. I just don't feel like myself. Its like I had all these thoughts and its made me feel like its real. It says something that I DONT want to feel this way right? Maybe I'm depressed. Idk. I refuse to believe I can be perfectly content after 3 and a half years and all of a sudden I'm not. I think I over obsessed a made myself believe it. Well regardless I'm gonna try to be as normal as possible and maybe thatll make me fall back into how I usually feel! are you progressing at all? What are you doing to help? Thanks again!

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:13 AM   #4
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

And when I'm with him I try to act fine even though my brain is in overdrive! Yes I still like kissing him and everything but I don't feel the se. I feel as if there's some kind of block that's making me not feel as I usually do. It sucks

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:33 AM   #5
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

No I know what you mean, I don't feel like myself either! It's driving me mad! I don't think you can go from one day being fine to the next day not, surely it'd be a gradual thing going off someone?! I know I've not gone off my boyfriend its just like my thoughts have all got confused in my head from all the panic and anxiety it has caused. I should have just acknowledged I was thinking these thoughts and let them drift away rather than obsess and make them into more than they are. Negative thoughts feed negative thoughts and the more you have, the worse they'll get.

I think for me the anxiety is from the thought of not having the future I'd imagined for myself (of us getting married and having babies) and this is the first guy I've met where I've wanted to do that. We're so perfect for each other it's untrue but I've obviously got some insecurity there and I think a few things people have done or said about their own relationships plus the fact there have been a lot of changes in my life this year (good changes) have triggered this.

I saw a therapist a couple if times who started CBT with me but she ripped me off on my second visit so I'm now going to try hypnotherapy. I saw one lady last week and meeting a different one tomorrow night to see which one I like best to work with.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:41 AM   #6
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

I see what you mean. I'm glad you're getting help. I can't afford to see a therapist or anything so I'm stuck at this point. I would really hate to think were over because we've had an amazing 3 and a half year relationship together and I'm not trying to throw it away. I've had little thoughts like this before but I realized they were JUST thoughts and they went away and then we were back to being happy as ever. That's what's scaring me and what's making me think it could be real. I keep asking myself all these questions like do I still love him? Do I still wanna be with him? What changed? Do I want other people? And I can't answer none of them its driving me insane! Usually when people fall out of love there's a reason behind it. Nothing happened at all what so ever it just happened which doesn't make any sense. Everyone keeps telling me the only way to solve it is to take a break and if I miss him then we are fine but if I don't then I will know what I am feeling is real. I'm so scared I'll take a break from him and won't miss him :'( this is eating me alive and idk what to do. He's the vest thing that's ever happened to me...I don't wanna lose him. Maybe I'm mixing up being extremely comfortable with losing interest? Who knows.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:32 AM   #7
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

You just need to keep realising that thoughts are just thoughts until you've hit proof! What proof have you got that you are going off him?

For me: I still love kissing him and touching him and having sex with him (though sometimes I struggle to stay in the present with these actions at the moment), I still love spending time with him, he makes me laugh to the point I get hiccups! Being with him just comes so naturally to me! He makes me happy! I have no proof any of my thoughts are real, nothing at all apart from my imagination picturing me going off him! WHICH ISN'T REALITY!

The fact I have no proof helps me realise this is anxiety causing all of this! I've been struggling with it with other issues for a year now!

The book i read said to try to concentrate on living in the present and hopefully these thoughts will drift away. if when you feel happy and secure these thoughts are still there then you'll know they're real thoughts and you'll need to deal with them!

I'll let you know if I find anything else useful in my sessions!

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:40 AM   #8
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

I just don't understand why I would feel like this if it wasn't real! I was positive he was the one for me and then I obsessed over my thoughts and I think I have made myself feel different. He is the best boyfriend I've ever had. I'm just so used to looking at him or into his eyes and knowing well be together forever (yes sounds like a movie but it's true lol) and now its not there anymore! Breaks my heart its like I just feel numb. I told him I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life then leave h. Does that sound like I still love him? Maybe we've been together so long I'm patching myself out of our relationship as a couple and focusing on just ME and why I feel this way and not doing anything to show him I still care. Ever since this started, being intimate has been awkward and trying to hard to feel as I always have but its not working! Idont want to meet other guys I just want to be done with him. Idk what my issue is.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:38 AM   #9
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

Maybe you've paid too much attention to these thoughts rather than just ignoring them. Thoughts create feelings, you can't have a feeling without first thinking something. Try reading the book 'stop thinking start living'. It really helped explain things for me.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 11:07 AM   #10
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

It seems to me that this is an OCD thing with obsessive thinking more than an actual feeling that you don't love him anymore. Your best bet, I think, is to work on the OCD and get that under control and then I'm sure that everything will be ok.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 11:10 AM   #11
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

Thanks for the advice. How can ocd make me feel like I don't love him or find him unattractive so sudden? I refuse to believe it's real because I was perfectly fine until I keep getting these stupid thoughts. I'm just tired of crying everyday.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 12:56 PM   #12
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

That's what I'm saying is that you're not falling out of love with your bf, but you are now in this broken record of thinking about this obsessively which is what you need to get under control. Look up obsessive thinking on google and find coping strategies because there is a lot out there that can help. I really think its totally fixable because it's a mental issue not a question of your real feelings.

 
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Old 09-30-2012, 12:59 PM   #13
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If I cry about feeling this way everyday of my life does that show right there that I love thousand and its tearing me apart that I feel nothing? I feel like a crazy person
I know I'm only 20 but I hate feeling like everything between us is becoming a memory.

This man* sorry I am typing from my phone

Last edited by Mod-S4; 09-30-2012 at 08:08 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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Old 10-01-2012, 12:10 AM   #14
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

I think there could be two things going on here. Read about "ROCD." It stands for relationship OCD, in fact there is a message board here on OCD and I read posts in there about it. It is phenomenon in which people become obsessed with questioning whether they "really" love their partner, etc.

On the other hand, maybe you are starting to lose the lusty feelings you had at the beginning of the relationship. I did a paper once on polyamory and I remember reading that people tend to fall out of love sometime around year 3-4 of being with someone. Of course you still love and care for your boyfriend, but it's only natural to lose that newly exciting and in love feeling. The question is, could you handle being with him without it? The relationships that last do so because the love has morphed into a more mature, less up and down and obsessional lusty kind of relationship.

 
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Old 10-01-2012, 08:01 AM   #15
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Re: my 3 and a half year relationship is slipping away :(

I just don't understand what's going on. Being perfectly could tent and happy for 3 and a half years to suddenly feeling like I don't love him anymore? That doesn't happen! I want to feel as I always have towards him. He's perfect in every way and I cry everyday about it. When I look at him I get incredibly sad. I try to act as normal as possible. Just doesn't make any sense. Is there anything I can do to get my feelings back? I can't just jump from relationship to relationship over and over and then leaving because I lose interest. I have never cared about the way I feel towards somebody I am on a relationship with until him. I refuse to believe I've just lost interest in this amazing guy we've been through SO much together.

 
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