I have always browsed this forum and find the posts interesting and helpful, so I thought it was time to join in with my story.
I moved to a new city last year, being transferred through work. I love the company I work for and do not want to leave which is the number one reason why this situation is torturing me. It is a small company and everyone knows everyone else pretty well.
So last year I got into some legal trouble, and the owner of my company was helping me out as he had been in my situation before and was basically giving me advice and guidance to get through it. The times we talked I always felt a connection and spark between us, but it kind of made me uncomfortable because he is in his mid-40's and I'm in my late 20's and have never been with anyone that much older than me. But I did develop a crush on him without realizing it I guess.
A few months later after a work function we were both drunk and he ended up asking me to go back to his place for a drink (he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and gotten his own place a few months before). I went and one thing led to another and he kissed me. I stayed the night but we did not have sex (it was basically all about me). He told me how scared he was that I was going to tell someone and I told him I wouldn't (and haven't). I haven't really met anyone here since moving here so my only close friend is someone I work with. We started meeting up for drinks and ending off at his place or my place but still he wouldn't have sex with me. He said he wasn't comfortable enough yet. I think that he has issues in that department and isn't able to, to be honest. But we have done everything else.
At first he seemed really into me and we met up quite often. We talked about it and agreed we wouldn't let feelings get involved and just have fun because he can't commit to anything right now, but then he started to tell me how attracted to me he was and how he can't wait to take me away on vacation in the future and that if anyone was his girlfriend right now it would be me. He would tell me confidential information about work and trusted me with personal things about himself too. But slowly over the months we talked less and saw each other less. He always had some excuse, he was so busy with work, he was so scared and couldn't get over the fact that I was an employee of his, he can't commit, his only focus is work etc. Another thing I should mention is he owns the company with another woman and they are very close. So he said if she finds out anything he will lose his part of the business because they have a partnership agreement that states they can't be involved with any employees. She is married and he is friends with her husband, but I always wondered if something is going on between them (which I asked him and he totally denied they are anything more than business partners.)
I told him a few months ago that I couldn't do it anymore and I felt bad about it all. Meeting up then not hearing from him for weeks. Plus I have to see him at work and act as if nothing is going on. It is sooo awkward at work when we have to interact (which is not often because my department has nothing to do with him). But I do have to see him and it is killing me. He said he totally understood and he didn't want it to end but can't commit to anything and doesn't want to lead me on.
We have texted each other since then but very briefly and even when he initiates the text, after I answer he doesn't continue the texts. He also knew it was my birthday and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. But when we are around each other there is crazy electricity and I have to basically leave the room because it feels so awkward.
So it's come to this... I am miserable having to see him at work and depressed when he is there and doesn't acknowledge me. I feel I have too much pride to ever let him know how much it is affecting me and how strong my feelings are. I just can't stop thinking about him and wondering why he even started anything with me in the first place? Almost a year and he never had sex with me so I don't think he was using me? I can't figure him out, I don't know if he feels any amount of the same feelings as me but is too scared of the situation or what? I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to leave but the industry I'm in is so bad right now I won't be able to find anything else (our company has had to downsize big time which was the cause of a lot of his stress too). Should I tell him how much it is affecting me and put him in an awkward situation and make it even worse having to face him every day? Or just keep it all in and play it cool? I just want something, anything from him to know he cares at least a little.
Thanks so much for reading all this, any advice is appreciated!
I think it comes down to a choice- him or your job (or neither). What he did in having this relationship with you could destroy him and his business. He knows this, you know this, and I think strongly that if you made any move at all to start it up again, it will have a very bad result. He has more to lose than you do, but if he goes down then you will too. Let it go. You have both had a bit of a lucky escape, so leave well enough alone. Suck it up if you want to keep your job. Sera
Last edited by Seraph; 09-26-2012 at 10:23 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: Black Dove (09-27-2012)
Given the current state of the economy and the job market, which has been the worst in decades and keeps getting worse, this is clearly not the best time to be jeopardizing your job in any way. Your first priority should be keeping a job because there's no guarantee you'll be able to get another one if you get fired. What this guy did was completely inappropriate and unprofessional ad he probably knows that now. I think it's best if you just leave it in the past were it belongs and concentrate on finding someone outside of work who wouldn't cause you to lose your job. It's really a no brainer I think, unless you have some other means of financial support and don't care about whether or not you have a job.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: Black Dove (09-27-2012)
Thanks for your replies. I definitely do need this job, i'm out here on my own with nothing to fall back on (parents moved away overseas and my close friends are back in my hometown). It's just the loneliness I think that gets to me. I have been single for almost 5 years because I am so picky. I have tried to meet people and have gone on many dates but I just don't feel an attraction often and when I find it like this, it's so hard to let it go. I also don't have any support here because my only friends are people I work with, who I can't talk to about this. This is why I keep wanting to talk to him about how I feel, but I guess it won't change anything. I would feel 10 times worse if he ignored or brushed it off and I ended up looking like an idiot for letting my feelings get so out of control. And then have to face him as if nothing happened. How do you get over someone you can't avoid being around? I feel like I'm ok when he is away on business and doesn't come in the office, but as soon as he is back all I can think about is being with him and feel so let down when I leave work and don't get a message or call from him like he used to do. I never thought it would get to this, the way he was in the beginning seemed like he was in this deeper than me. Then he totally distanced himself. He knew from the beginning it was wrong but still was risking being with me so I don't know what has changed?
I think that what has changed is that he realised what he was doing. He probably didn't talk it over with you because like most men he didn't want the emotional bit, and he sounds as if he is in denial; "If I don't acknowledge anything, then it didn't happen....". Is does suck, but you must think of your future. He has actually set it up (whether deliberately or not) so that with no witnesses, or evidence, if you say anything you will come off looking like a stalker. If you make awkwardness for him I have no doubt that his strategy will be along those lines. Get involved in some activity outside work. Are you fit? Get into some social sport or gym or something with like-minded people. You can't make work the be all and end all of your life. Good luck, Sera