If you have, wouldn't HE be the one to move out? I mean, why would he want to stay living with someone who broke up with him?
And if you haven't yet...why not? Are you still sleeping in the same bed with him? Have you given him ANY indication that you have been on the verge of breaking up with him for quite a while?
Kszan, I think it is funny you think I am so worthwhile. I really don't have a lot going for me. I have my teaching license and can't seem to land a job, I have a job that makes me work way too much for far too little, I can't afford my measly rent of $595, I am in school loan debt up to my ears, I am a mess mentally and emotionally and I am overweight to boot. A lot of people would look at a 29 year old like me and ask, "What the hell are you doing with your life? What is wrong with you?"
Cadence, yes, I have told him how I feel. I told him that I don't know about the living arrangement yet, but that I know for sure the relationship is going no where. I don't think he believes me, because I have not made any moves to actually prove this. He kissed me goodnight and goodbye. Yes, we are still sleeping in the same bed, because he refuses to sleep on the couch and I will not sleep on the couch either. If he thinks he's too good to do that, then so am I. I know, I know...
I think it's time to pull the plug on the relationship. If you move to your parents home, you will have the "upper hand" in the relationship now, if he tries to get you back. If you want him back, you can explain more in detail to him how you feel.
I think adding to all the very normal things a young woman your age is dealing with is you continue to allow yourself to stay stuck in relationships that are unsatisfying, with men you say you aren't even in love with anymore! I can't imagine that does your self-esteem any good.
You stay with these men you aren't in love with but are very dependent on for your self-worth. You become so enmeshed with how they perceive you and you try so hard to get them to make you feel worthwhile that you lose yourself. That's why when the relationship ends (or should end) you can't move. You're immobile because you can't fathom a life where a man isn't making you feel good about yourself...but these men do the exact opposite! Yet, you stay and stay, and try and try to get them to make you feel worthy. But they can't, because number one, only you can do that for yourself, and number two, these are the wrong men for you.
Ok, amateur psych 101 done! I bet if you make one, just ONE, positive move for yourself you'll find that more and more positivity will follow. Do the roommate search, join a roommate match service, find a nice, pleasant room to rent where you aren't emotionally tied to your roommates and you aren't living with someone who pulls you down, and other good things will come.
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: rosequartz (10-04-2012)
Thing is...I don't think I have a lot going for me...I don't know where you guys see that. I am a mess. I want to leave and go to London in April so bad, but I need to win the Lotto first...
He pretty much thinks we are together still...he kisses me goodnight and good morning and the other day he asked me how my day was and if my throat felt better. I can see he is actively trying to be interested, but he still hasn't tried to have sex, make plans for the weekend or for anything and he has yet to ask where we really stand. It is just all a mess because we have to live together for at least another month...
So you haven't told him you broke up with him? How else could he not know? Why do you still care if he makes weekend plans, wants sex or asks where you two stand? I thought you had already broken up.
You've mentioned several times that you are going to look into counseling "on Friday". Have you actually done that yet? I think you need to make counseling a priority, so you can stop feeling like you are a mess and don't have a lot going for you. If you can't fix this, you'll continue to stay in lame, unsatisfying relationships with men who aren't good for you.
No, I have told him I am done and that I am working on a way to leave. He just must not take that as a serious "threat". I guess I would like to have a little sex before it is over, because I plan on teaching English abroad for a year and it will be my Eat, Pray, Love moment and I plan to not date at all.
I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks now. So far I have spent $136 on that venture and I can see my money dwindling before my eyes...
Well, you can't expect him to believe you if you are still trying to have sex with him and are trying to make weekend plans with him.
Do you think it's OK to use him for sex? I'm just wondering how you would feel if a guy you were dating planned to leave you but continued to try to get sex from you.
I bet he'd take you a lot more seriously if you 1)stopped sharing a bed with him 2)stopped trying to have sex with him 3)stopped trying to make weekend plans with him and 4)found somewhere else to live.
I do realize the living arrangements won't happen overnight; it's impossible to set anything up that quickly. But as far as "I'm too good to sleep on the couch"...well, what about "I'm too good to continue to share a bed and my body with a guy who doesn't give me anything worthwhile"?
You need to get to a point where you honestly believe you deserve the best from a man before you'll get it. I think you come across as someone who obviously has a lot to offer (even though you insist you don't), but you have to believe it.
Has the counseling helped at all? Have you been honestly trying to get something out of it?
No, I have told him I am done and that I am working on a way to leave. He just must not take that as a serious "threat". I guess I would like to have a little sex before it is over, because I plan on teaching English abroad for a year and it will be my Eat, Pray, Love moment and I plan to not date at all.
I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks now. So far I have spent $136 on that venture and I can see my money dwindling before my eyes...
*looks at my first post in this thread*
uh huh
I understand that I could be dead wrong here. But I just get the feeling that a good part of why this relationship is failing is because it was not nurtured with the REALLY GOOD stuff. Dude knows you want sex! He knows even as things aren't right between the two of you that YOU WANT SEX! My goodness! Do you not see a problem with this line of THINKING? Sex is not a cure, tgirly! Again, I'd warn that it is detrimental when so much priority is given to it. And I hate to say it but it sounds more like it is YOU that is sex crazed than he. I don't know this guy but knowing ME, if my lady made me feel at ALL that all there was to us was sex, I'd lose interest too! Since I've known her, the thing that makes me want to go through fire to the moon with her is our way of bouncing the uplifting and inspirational waves off each other as we work to improve our lives. That is the root of us. That is our core. If we ever lose sight of this, especially courtesy of a freaking sex drive, WE WILL FAIL!
You must focus on something greater if you are to mend this relationship OR if you are to be successful in your next. You want the everlasting, so avoid promoting the very things that FLINGS are made of!
No, I have told him I am done and that I am working on a way to leave. He just must not take that as a serious "threat". I guess I would like to have a little sex before it is over, because I plan on teaching English abroad for a year and it will be my Eat, Pray, Love moment and I plan to not date at all.
I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks now. So far I have spent $136 on that venture and I can see my money dwindling before my eyes...
TG if all you're looking for is a little sex, he is certainly not your only option.....you're a woman for crying out loud.....you can find sex.
Ihave had a browse through your previous posts, and there is a definite pattern going on that you may want to consider. Firstly you come out strong on how you are unhappy and ready to end things and start over. Then, gradually as people give you feedback, you back right into the "yes, but game". It is really time that you took a good look at whether you want actual useful feedback and advice, or just some people to play devil's advocate so you can talk yourself back into your comfortable safe zone where you are getting a payoff. See, nobody stays in a place or relationship, no matter how negative or unsatisfactory it is without a payoff. I feel your payoff is something along the lines of: "I have a man on whom I can hang the responsibility for keeping me in this space where i deserve to be. It is because of him that I feel bad about myself. This saves me from actually having to do anything about improving my self esteem and self-image". If you did actually end the relationship, you are afraid that you will still feel worthless and it will mean that you have to take responsibility for your own wellbeing. This is very scary, what if it is true that you are worthless? There is no neglectful man around that you can blame for these feelings. Think about this, and also the fact that emotional health is based on the simple formula that you are 100% responsible for yourself, and 0% responsible for anyone else. Sera
Last edited by Seraph; 10-05-2012 at 10:53 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: rosequartz (10-05-2012)
Things are a bit clearer to me now...it sounds like you are not at all into the relationship or this man but you'd still like to "use" him for sex. Maybe you're one of those people for whom sex is only a physical act and not an expression of love and affection...but maybe he isn't. Maybe he senses that in you and isn't interested in having sex with you because he doesn't want to be used as a human sex toy. And then you are complaining that he doesn't allow you to use him!
It kind of doesn't make sense to me that you are complaining that he doesn't give you affection or compliments, yet you think it's ok to continue to expect someone you've told you don't want to be with anymore to have sex with you. There's a disconnect there between what you want from him and how you think it's ok to use him for your own sexual gratification. You seem to think "he's a man, what man doesn't want sex??!!" but obviously he doesn't feel that way. I think if it was the other way around and someone you loved broke up with you and then asked you for sex it would probably hurt your feelings.
I think if you're really wanting to end this relationship it needs to end 100%. No expecting him to allow you to get sex from him or staying living together for financial reasons. You can't expect compliments or affection from him and you can't expect him to make you a priority or make weekend plans with you. Also, getting to work on finding a place to live would be a positive step.
TG you post that you really think you're done this time and we all support you, rally around you are proud that you've come to this decision and then you start back peddling......
when you KNOW you're done with him post and I will give you my support....right now I feel kinda like I've been played
sorry.....
Tattooed, I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but honestly...if you are dissatisfied in your relationship ( and I would be for sure), and you complain that you wish he'd just disappear, etc., it's not really fair to expect him to be willing to give you sex. I don't really get how you can feel the way you do toward him yet you can ask for and enjoy sex with him. I think he probably feels used when you tell him you're unhappy and it's over... and then ask him for sex. I think that would bother most people.
Also, if you're going overseas, why decide not to date? I can envision you having a wonderful time over there and possibly meeting someone and having a fantastic, exciting romance. Why rule that out before you even get there?
My recommendations are...start looking for a room to rent. Stop sleeping in bed with him, stop asking him for sex and stop expecting him to make weekend plans with you and compliment you. Make a clean break. Continue counseling. The cost can be offset by the amount of money you'll save by renting a room (my roommate pays only a fraction of what she had been paying for her studio apartment and the amount I charge her includes all utilities...saving her about $300 per month!). Make firm plans to go overseas and make a promise to yourself that you'll fully enjoy every moment you're over there...no matter what it brings. Adding positivity to your life is healthy and leaves you little time to worry about the things you've listed that make you think you aren't worth much, because those things are completely normal and are not impossible to over come. Get rid of what is dragging you down (boyfriend) and allow yourself to enjoy life!
