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Old 10-02-2012, 02:47 PM   #16
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

wishing he'd disappear isn't going to make it happen......too bad, huh?
wouldn't that be nice?
time to be realistic.....it sounds like you are talking yourself out of making this move....
so it will be a little uncomfortable at your parents house......
SO WHAT?? you're uncomfortable NOW.....
it's not a perfect world, suck it up and deal until you can afford to move out....what else can you do?

 
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:48 PM   #17
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Sounds like you are having second thoughts and are trying to find a million reasons not to break up with him. I mean, seriously, living arrangements? That's not a reason to stay with someone for SEVEN MORE MONTHS! Before you know it, 7 years will have passed while you find excuse after excuse to stay with him and you'll end up in the same situation as you were with your last boyfriend. Only you'll be a lot older and your options will be much more limited.

I found a roommate on a roommate matching service. It took about 6 weeks, but I found one and she pays on time, with cash, and I only pay about half the full rent. I interviewed a couple of candidates before I settled on her and it works out very well.

Tell that guy he has a month to move out, then start the roommate search. You can either find a roommate to share your current place or you can move in with someone who has a spare room. It can be done.

I'm sure if you don't really want to end your relationship you'll succeed in finding as many excuses as you can think of. Personally, I think you still don't want to be "alone" and you think having a sucky boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend. I disagree. But if you don't believe you deserve better you'll never get anything better. You have to believe it and then live it.

 
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:50 PM   #18
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

No, I really want this. He wasn't home when I got home today and it was so nice. I didn't have to be disappointed because he failed to greet me or act all interested in seeing me. I didn't have to go about doing my own thing pretending I didn't care that he didn't care. What I would LOVE more than anything is having my apartment to myself, but that won't be happening. I only have a 1 bedroom. I will have to find a place to rent a room. I can do that. I really don't want to move home. I can be depressed living there or living here, at this point, I would take being depressed here. Like, you guys have no idea how much it will depress me to live at home. I am just trying to be happy again. Yeah, I can wish he would disappear, but that just isn't realistic, but it makes me feel all fuzzy inside...

 
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:39 PM   #19
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

hi tatoodgirly, I think you should listen to your heart about how you want this relationship to go. I know it can be stressful to have to not only live together and becoming you boyfriend's support system. The reality is you can love a person with everything you have, but we can't change who they are, and shouldn't try. I feel spenidng time apart may do some great healing for you from this situation. I hope he starts expressing his desire for you(kissing and cuddling) soon too. I have been through that with a previous relationship where he wasn't the holding hand type, but when it came to the bedroom he showed me more than I bargained for. Keep your head up and hold onto to the postive things you felt for him from the start.

 
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Old 10-02-2012, 10:15 PM   #20
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

It's sooo frustrating when a girl like you who has so much going for her allows someone like that guy to get her to this level of self doubt. You can totally find a new place to live, you have the intelligence and the ability to make it happen. You just need to start believing in yourself and in your choices that are the ones that get you on the right path.

You've known from the very beginning of this relationship that this guy was not for you. You went into it with your eyes wide open and seeing all of the many many reasons why he was Mr. Oh Hell No. But you stayed anyway and you kept twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to make him act like the guy you wanted him to be. Hopefully now you see what a pointless exercise that was but also you'll see that it's never worth it to get into a relationship with someone who, from the very start, is not right for you.

So where do you go from here? Start looking for rooms to rent or roommates. Get online and search your area. There are many resources out there on the Internet for that kind of thing and it will help you get out of the house to start hitting the streets to look at places and meet people. Start this week and don't keep putting it off because you know this is not the place for you to stay.

 
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:13 AM   #21
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Have you actually broken up with him yet?

If you have, wouldn't HE be the one to move out? I mean, why would he want to stay living with someone who broke up with him?

And if you haven't yet...why not? Are you still sleeping in the same bed with him? Have you given him ANY indication that you have been on the verge of breaking up with him for quite a while?

 
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:27 PM   #22
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Kszan, I think it is funny you think I am so worthwhile. I really don't have a lot going for me. I have my teaching license and can't seem to land a job, I have a job that makes me work way too much for far too little, I can't afford my measly rent of $595, I am in school loan debt up to my ears, I am a mess mentally and emotionally and I am overweight to boot. A lot of people would look at a 29 year old like me and ask, "What the hell are you doing with your life? What is wrong with you?"

Cadence, yes, I have told him how I feel. I told him that I don't know about the living arrangement yet, but that I know for sure the relationship is going no where. I don't think he believes me, because I have not made any moves to actually prove this. He kissed me goodnight and goodbye. Yes, we are still sleeping in the same bed, because he refuses to sleep on the couch and I will not sleep on the couch either. If he thinks he's too good to do that, then so am I. I know, I know...

 
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:36 PM   #23
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

I think it's time to pull the plug on the relationship. If you move to your parents home, you will have the "upper hand" in the relationship now, if he tries to get you back. If you want him back, you can explain more in detail to him how you feel.

 
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Old 10-03-2012, 03:12 PM   #24
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

I think adding to all the very normal things a young woman your age is dealing with is you continue to allow yourself to stay stuck in relationships that are unsatisfying, with men you say you aren't even in love with anymore! I can't imagine that does your self-esteem any good.

You stay with these men you aren't in love with but are very dependent on for your self-worth. You become so enmeshed with how they perceive you and you try so hard to get them to make you feel worthwhile that you lose yourself. That's why when the relationship ends (or should end) you can't move. You're immobile because you can't fathom a life where a man isn't making you feel good about yourself...but these men do the exact opposite! Yet, you stay and stay, and try and try to get them to make you feel worthy. But they can't, because number one, only you can do that for yourself, and number two, these are the wrong men for you.

Ok, amateur psych 101 done! I bet if you make one, just ONE, positive move for yourself you'll find that more and more positivity will follow. Do the roommate search, join a roommate match service, find a nice, pleasant room to rent where you aren't emotionally tied to your roommates and you aren't living with someone who pulls you down, and other good things will come.

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:54 AM   #25
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Kszan said it very well......
you have so much going for you, don't let some guy drag you down and make you doubt your own self-worth

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:09 AM   #26
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Thing is...I don't think I have a lot going for me...I don't know where you guys see that. I am a mess. I want to leave and go to London in April so bad, but I need to win the Lotto first...

He pretty much thinks we are together still...he kisses me goodnight and good morning and the other day he asked me how my day was and if my throat felt better. I can see he is actively trying to be interested, but he still hasn't tried to have sex, make plans for the weekend or for anything and he has yet to ask where we really stand. It is just all a mess because we have to live together for at least another month...

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:57 PM   #27
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

So you haven't told him you broke up with him? How else could he not know? Why do you still care if he makes weekend plans, wants sex or asks where you two stand? I thought you had already broken up.

You've mentioned several times that you are going to look into counseling "on Friday". Have you actually done that yet? I think you need to make counseling a priority, so you can stop feeling like you are a mess and don't have a lot going for you. If you can't fix this, you'll continue to stay in lame, unsatisfying relationships with men who aren't good for you.

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:53 PM   #28
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

No, I have told him I am done and that I am working on a way to leave. He just must not take that as a serious "threat". I guess I would like to have a little sex before it is over, because I plan on teaching English abroad for a year and it will be my Eat, Pray, Love moment and I plan to not date at all.

I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks now. So far I have spent $136 on that venture and I can see my money dwindling before my eyes...

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:24 PM   #29
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Well, you can't expect him to believe you if you are still trying to have sex with him and are trying to make weekend plans with him.

Do you think it's OK to use him for sex? I'm just wondering how you would feel if a guy you were dating planned to leave you but continued to try to get sex from you.

I bet he'd take you a lot more seriously if you 1)stopped sharing a bed with him 2)stopped trying to have sex with him 3)stopped trying to make weekend plans with him and 4)found somewhere else to live.

I do realize the living arrangements won't happen overnight; it's impossible to set anything up that quickly. But as far as "I'm too good to sleep on the couch"...well, what about "I'm too good to continue to share a bed and my body with a guy who doesn't give me anything worthwhile"?

You need to get to a point where you honestly believe you deserve the best from a man before you'll get it. I think you come across as someone who obviously has a lot to offer (even though you insist you don't), but you have to believe it.

Has the counseling helped at all? Have you been honestly trying to get something out of it?

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 05:59 PM   #30
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Re: I really think I am done this time...

Quote:
Originally Posted by tattoodgirly View Post
No, I have told him I am done and that I am working on a way to leave. He just must not take that as a serious "threat". I guess I would like to have a little sex before it is over, because I plan on teaching English abroad for a year and it will be my Eat, Pray, Love moment and I plan to not date at all.

I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks now. So far I have spent $136 on that venture and I can see my money dwindling before my eyes...


*looks at my first post in this thread*

uh huh

I understand that I could be dead wrong here. But I just get the feeling that a good part of why this relationship is failing is because it was not nurtured with the REALLY GOOD stuff. Dude knows you want sex! He knows even as things aren't right between the two of you that YOU WANT SEX! My goodness! Do you not see a problem with this line of THINKING? Sex is not a cure, tgirly! Again, I'd warn that it is detrimental when so much priority is given to it. And I hate to say it but it sounds more like it is YOU that is sex crazed than he. I don't know this guy but knowing ME, if my lady made me feel at ALL that all there was to us was sex, I'd lose interest too! Since I've known her, the thing that makes me want to go through fire to the moon with her is our way of bouncing the uplifting and inspirational waves off each other as we work to improve our lives. That is the root of us. That is our core. If we ever lose sight of this, especially courtesy of a freaking sex drive, WE WILL FAIL!

You must focus on something greater if you are to mend this relationship OR if you are to be successful in your next. You want the everlasting, so avoid promoting the very things that FLINGS are made of!

 
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