I think I just broke up with my bf for real this time. I know it is way overdue, but I am so weak and so afraid of being alone...however, I might as well have been alone the past few months because he has been the worlds worst boyfriend. All he does is play video games. Like, I am not exaggerating. When he isn't at work, eating, or watching his team play, he is playing video games. We have done nothing together for so long. All we do together is eat, go grocery shopping and sleep at night. Many of you have been following my threads and know that even before this, things weren't great, but we at least had things we enjoyed doing together... Not anymore. I have to ask him to spend time with me and that is not what I want. I want someone to actually want to be with me, maybe even make plans to spend time with me. Imagine that? The straw that broke the camel's back was when I asked him if he wanted to have sex tonight. It has been at least two weeks since we last had sex (one week Aunt Flo was visiting), so I thought he would WANT to have sex. No, I had to pry his fingers off his keyboard and when I asked him if he wanted to have sex, he said, "Not really, not at the moment". I could have thrown his computer out the window and smacked him across the face with his keyboard. What normal, living-breathing adult male would not want to have sex with his girlfriend after two weeks??! I used to feel like crap whenever he would deny my advances, but now I know it is not me. It is 100% him. I asked him if he was cheating (I have suspected it since that was what my ex did when he pulled way from me) or if he is not attracted to me anymore. He always said, "No". Who knows.
I think I have finally gotten to the point where I am tired of being disappointed. All I am is disappointed, every day, every hour, every minute. He does not fulfill me at all. There is zero intimacy, zero compassion, zero understanding and zero connection. We merely connect on a seriously superficial level. He never texts me to see how I am doing, he rarely touches me or kisses me. He shows zero excitement to see me. He never says I look nice. Yet, I do so much for him. It makes me feel incredibly pathetic for doing this to myself for so long.
Enough is enough. I seriously would rather be alone every day and every night for a LONG time than feel alone in this hell. It is constant up and down emotions. He kisses me goodnight and I feel OK, he fails to say goodbye or kiss me in the morning and I feel like crap all day. Then, I decide to stop caring that he pays no attention to me and do my own thing and I am happy for a time. Then, I begin to crave the attention and when I don't get it, I feel awful again. Then, he does one tiny thing to make me want to hold on just a little bit longer.
I don't care if he has another girl waiting in the wings. I don't care if he has to sleep in his car to be out of my life. I don't care if I never see his stupid face again. I am seriously ready to move into my parents' basement and buy a vibrator, because I DONE.
I am new so this is the first time I've ever posted or read anything you've written, but it is clear that he is checked out of the relationship for whatever reason, and probably isn't breaking it off himself to avoid being the bad guy. Maybe he just isn't that into you or maybe he is seriously addicted to video games - who knows? What YOU need to worry about is you and quit wasting time trying to figure him out. I think the most telling thing of your whole post was that you feel good if he kisses you goodnight and feel bad all day if he doesn't say goodbye in the morning. You need to figure out why you let a man define how you feel about yourself. That's giving him an awful lot of power.
What normal, living-breathing adult male would not want to have sex with his girlfriend after two weeks??!
I am very concerned about the potential negative effects of sex in a relationship. Too much of most things is not a good thing, and sex is one of them. Two weeks could be way too little time for MANY people who are INTERESTED in an everlasting, DEEP connection with another. What I feel for my lady... well, let's just say NO sex with any woman in the world (including HER) could EVER compare to that feeling. It didn't take sex to arrive there, and it damn sure won't take sex to stay there.
I hate to say it, my friend, but sex is ruining your relationship. TOO much attention on it, and probably other less important aspects, is ruining your relationship. And it will ruin ALL of your relationships if you don't lower its priority moving forward!
He might be thinking
"all there is to us is sex! All I seem to feel... all she seems to feel for me... is sex and dating! So, I guess I have my money, my gaming, and my sex"
Quite frankly, sex is nice. But I too am a gamer... been gaming since before kindergarten... and I doubt I'd EVER want to have sex as frequently as I play games, or do some of the other things I've come to enjoy in my life.
Sex is SUPPOSED to be merely ONE expression of love, and a superficial one at that! You don't BUILD LOVE WITH SEX! When you're doing this, and treating it like a hobby, even if monogamously, then you have a problem, Houston!
NOT GOOD!
Last edited by mottled dove; 10-01-2012 at 06:02 AM.
I think in your last post, I asked you whether there would come a point that you'd finally get fed up enough to leave him. I don't remember what you said but I think at that time you still weren't quite ready to leave yet. But I'm glad to see that you have really given it some thought and realized he is not good for you. I know it's been a tough road for you but it's very encouraging to see that you have opened your eyes in this situation and made the right choice because it is the one that will benefit you in the long run.
Please make sure you take some time this time between relationships to regain your independence back. You will feel so much better about yourself and confidence is what you will gain from this time alone. I know you can do this! I totally believe in your ability to make it on your own without some loser guy who would rather play lame video games than spend time with you. You're going to be ok, now that you have made the right choice!
Mottled Dove, this man does not love me. After more than a year together he does not love me. Way more than sex is ruining this relationship. We do not have a connection. Do you really think I havent tried to have more than just "sex and dates"? He flat out won't talk to me. If he ever felt like all I cared about was sex, he surely could have told me, but no. I have tried everything for him, everything. He does NOTHING for me. What am I supposed to save here? Fro
Day 1 it has only ever been about him. I'm sad I wasted a year of my life on a man who could have cared less if I was in his life or not. Also, a sexual connection is important in a relationship. There is something very wrong about wanting to play video games over being with your gf ALWAYS. Sorry, I expect more than that from someone.
First off, CONGRATULATIONS!!! There were a lot of people pulling for you on this so I'm glad that you reached the point where you want to start a new fresh chapter in your life.
Secondly, I agree with Kszan in that you should really take the time between relationships to better yourself and heal from this.
Does it suck that you wasted a year of your life with this guy? Of course, no one wants to do that, BUT if you take what you learn from this and apply it to your future relationships, the chances of you finding happiness in your future mate does increase.
Just as a side story, my wife use to bounce from one relationship right after another because she didn't want to be alone as well. It wasn't till her last ex that she finally decide to take a break from being in a relationship to get to know herself and not settle for just anyone. Sure there was a lot of interested people who asked her out, but she didn't enter a relationship till she felt she was ready (BTW it took her a little over 9 months to do so but everyone is different). When we meet she was very independent and strong willed which I found really attractive. It was funny in that we bother had a similar experience of taking some time out for ourselves. To say the least things worked out great since we've been happily married.
Anyways, the reason why I'm saying this to you is I hope you take the time you need and you don't rush off again just to satisfy this notion of being alone.
Good Luck!
__________________
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Hooray, hooray, hooray! I am sooo glad that you are doing this now instead of 7 years from now! That is great progress.
I think taking time off from dating (and certainly from finding the next boyfriend) is a great idea. I hope you've been attending counseling like you said you would, to try to find out what is at the root of why you look to a man to feel worthwhile. Once you KNOW you are worthwhile and you KNOW you are someone worthy of a healthy, loving, affectionate and respectful relationship, that is when you'll find one. Maybe not isntantly, but the man you DO find will be right for you.
And he's a grown up. It's up to him to find sonewhere to live, it's not your problem. I mean give him a reasonable amount of time (say, a month) to find a new place or a room to rent. And if he uses that month playing video games and doesn't look for a place to live, that's his problem not yours! Once the month is up, he's gotta go!
Again, good for you!
PS: I know you aren't ending this relationship over the fact that he denied you sex ONE time. He's denied you pretty much everything from day one.
Thank you Baffomet and Cadence, no, I am not ending this relationship because he denied me once. He has denied me more than he has provided ANYTHING to me since the very beginning. It is very easy for me to question my actions, when someone says that maybe I made the mistake, I didn't try to connect hard enough or all I cared about was sex. All I have done is try, try, try and all he has done is take, take, take. He really does not care that this is ending. The problem is that I cannot afford my apartment by myself. This makes me really sad. If I was able to live 100% on my own, this would have ended A LONG TIME AGO. I really, really do not want to move home, so I am still trying to figure out what to do. Moving home would be hell for so many reasons. It would almost be worse than living with him. I really am at a loss for what to do. If only I made more and he would just disappear. I just want to move on with my life.
TG I most certainly support your decision and I know that this is about everything, not one thing....this wasn't a good fit from the start for so many reasons. Think about moving home, it probably won't be as bad as you think. parents can be very understanding.
The thing is...my mom, dad and adult brother live at home. My brother has not made good decisions in his life. He has battled prescription drug addiction and he basically is just being a loser right now. He lives at home (has never left, in fact), has no job, no goals, no hygiene. When I visit on Sundays, I can sometimes barely stand to see him sitting around without his shirt on. He has moobs, a huge gut and he will sit there twirling his finger in his belly button. Just thinking about it makes me gag. He has stolen from me and most of everyone in our family. He is very hard to get along with. He argues with everything anyone says. It would be horrible living in the same house as him. Then, there is my dad...he is incredibly anal and OCD about things. If you don't open the door right or put something away exactly how he sees it should be, he rags on you. When I first moved out at 21, it was to gain independence and be on my own, but it was also to get away from my dad. If my mom and I could live in a little house together, just us, I would do it in a heartbeat. Everyone else is almost unbearable. At this point, I would take living with the bf...I really don't know what to do...
In April I am going to London for four weeks to get my TESOL certification. Sure, I could take a course here, but I want to get away from everything. I really should move home to save the money, but moving home would make more depressed than I am now. What else can I do, but stick it out until April??
I am trying to think of something...Most of my friends are living with other people and there is no room. One of my friends may have room, but she is married and I don't want to impose. My aunt and uncle have room, but my mom said "absolutely not", so that is no longer an option. I could maybe rent a room, but most places are going for $500 or even more. I only pay half of $595 with the bf. I am so depressed today. I feel like even though I really want to get away, I am stuck. I KNOW moving in with my family will make me incredibly depressed. I don't need that right now...I am so screwed. Last night, I was wishing that he would just disappear. The hardest part is all of this. If he just left, I would only be left with the issue of where to live. UGH.
wishing he'd disappear isn't going to make it happen......too bad, huh?
wouldn't that be nice?
time to be realistic.....it sounds like you are talking yourself out of making this move....
so it will be a little uncomfortable at your parents house......
SO WHAT?? you're uncomfortable NOW.....
it's not a perfect world, suck it up and deal until you can afford to move out....what else can you do?
Sounds like you are having second thoughts and are trying to find a million reasons not to break up with him. I mean, seriously, living arrangements? That's not a reason to stay with someone for SEVEN MORE MONTHS! Before you know it, 7 years will have passed while you find excuse after excuse to stay with him and you'll end up in the same situation as you were with your last boyfriend. Only you'll be a lot older and your options will be much more limited.
I found a roommate on a roommate matching service. It took about 6 weeks, but I found one and she pays on time, with cash, and I only pay about half the full rent. I interviewed a couple of candidates before I settled on her and it works out very well.
Tell that guy he has a month to move out, then start the roommate search. You can either find a roommate to share your current place or you can move in with someone who has a spare room. It can be done.
I'm sure if you don't really want to end your relationship you'll succeed in finding as many excuses as you can think of. Personally, I think you still don't want to be "alone" and you think having a sucky boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend. I disagree. But if you don't believe you deserve better you'll never get anything better. You have to believe it and then live it.
No, I really want this. He wasn't home when I got home today and it was so nice. I didn't have to be disappointed because he failed to greet me or act all interested in seeing me. I didn't have to go about doing my own thing pretending I didn't care that he didn't care. What I would LOVE more than anything is having my apartment to myself, but that won't be happening. I only have a 1 bedroom. I will have to find a place to rent a room. I can do that. I really don't want to move home. I can be depressed living there or living here, at this point, I would take being depressed here. Like, you guys have no idea how much it will depress me to live at home. I am just trying to be happy again. Yeah, I can wish he would disappear, but that just isn't realistic, but it makes me feel all fuzzy inside...
hi tatoodgirly, I think you should listen to your heart about how you want this relationship to go. I know it can be stressful to have to not only live together and becoming you boyfriend's support system. The reality is you can love a person with everything you have, but we can't change who they are, and shouldn't try. I feel spenidng time apart may do some great healing for you from this situation. I hope he starts expressing his desire for you(kissing and cuddling) soon too. I have been through that with a previous relationship where he wasn't the holding hand type, but when it came to the bedroom he showed me more than I bargained for. Keep your head up and hold onto to the postive things you felt for him from the start.
It's sooo frustrating when a girl like you who has so much going for her allows someone like that guy to get her to this level of self doubt. You can totally find a new place to live, you have the intelligence and the ability to make it happen. You just need to start believing in yourself and in your choices that are the ones that get you on the right path.
You've known from the very beginning of this relationship that this guy was not for you. You went into it with your eyes wide open and seeing all of the many many reasons why he was Mr. Oh Hell No. But you stayed anyway and you kept twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to make him act like the guy you wanted him to be. Hopefully now you see what a pointless exercise that was but also you'll see that it's never worth it to get into a relationship with someone who, from the very start, is not right for you.
So where do you go from here? Start looking for rooms to rent or roommates. Get online and search your area. There are many resources out there on the Internet for that kind of thing and it will help you get out of the house to start hitting the streets to look at places and meet people. Start this week and don't keep putting it off because you know this is not the place for you to stay.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: rosequartz (10-04-2012)
