I got married 3 years back. Ours was love marriage. Just after marriage I felt a s if the relationship was going down. I think it was because we never lived together before and it took us time (couple of months) to figure our what works for us when we live together. I think I am a clean person but my wife was very particular about where stuff should be. What time dishes should go in dishwasher. I was bit lazy, I would sometime leave the kitchen unwiped in the night if it was my turn and do it next day.. I feel my wife is much better when it comes to debate or arguments as her motto in life is do what makes her feel better and my motto is listen to people close to me and care about them.. So I care about my family, when we got married I wanted her to become integral part of my family. My parents are on different continent so we video chat on skype on weekends. My wife did not show any interest in my family. Before marriage she was good friends with my brother but after marriage she found faults in almost every member of my family and have not spoken with my brother from past 16-18 months. She says all good things about her family want me to get attached to them..
About 15 months back I caught her lying to me that she is shopping at a mall and will be back late. During that time I went to purchase some home stuff from near by store and saw her car parked there. I was curious as to where she is and I called her back and asked If I can also come to the mall and where her car is parked she said she will be back soon and made me feel that I will hinder her shopping experience by coming to the mall and she said she has parked her car in the mall. When she came back home I directly asked her that I saw her car parked at the store and she accepted that she lied and she was out with a office colleague who I also know. I asked her if she is hiding something from me and she said no, he is just a good friend and she loves me and she didn't tell me because she thought I will doubt her.. So I asked her to be very open with me and never hide anything from me. I told her as her husband I have at least right to know what she is doing..she promised that she will not hide anything from me.
Yesterday we were out with some friends and I just happen to see a message from this guy with words like (my heart, come back to me soon, I am missing you a lot).. because we were with friends I did say anything that time. When I got back home and asked her to show me the message it was deleted but she accepted that those words were used and she said there is noting going on and she loves me and be with me whole life.. I told her that I don't want that guy in our life and she said he is very good friend and though there relation is bit unconventional its normal and I should not be worried about it. She also said she is not cheating on me..I also asked her that I want to read all her sms and emails to which she disagrees as thats her person stuff...
I don;t know what to make our from everything thats going on. I am very stressed. I feel very lonely in this country as most of my friends and family are far.. I feel like going back to them but my wife wants to be in this country and she is the only reason I am here..If I go back I think we will have to live separately if we did not get divorce.. I have also invested money here in home so I don't know how things going to impact me...
Start off with the fact that she is cheating on you. Whatever she says, her going out with another man and lying about it is cheating. This is the issue that must be addressed. If you are to have any chance, she must stop seeing him. It doesn't sound as if that is going to happen. You are going to be miserable if you stay with her, thereare many red flags (like her criticism of your family, for one. It doesn't seem like she loves you at all. Sera
The following user gives a hug of support to Seraph: Stressed16 (10-04-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: Stressed16 (10-04-2012)
How long did you date? It sounds like there is a real trust and respect issue. She seems to think she can do what she wants and get away with it. You need to confront this friend or man she is seeing and tell him to back off. She is married. If she doesn't want to work on your marriage then you may have to end the relationship. Once trust is gone it is difficult unless the other person chooses to work on the relationship and be totally open and honest and tell you her business so you can trust her again. Best wishes to you.
The following user gives a hug of support to renko: Stressed16 (10-04-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post: Stressed16 (10-04-2012)
Thanks for taking time to reach my issue and many thanks for your response. Your support has definitely helped me. My wife told me that she has never replied to this guys message and she cares about me. She also told that guy not to send such messages. This was bit of a comfort but I think that trust and happy relation I had with her is gone down. I am waiting and watching to see what steps she will take to get back my trust. I am also hoping that she will only maintain professional relations with this guy as they work at same place.
She needs to be careful if she works with him. First of all, people will talk and gossip will be flying around the office about them if it isn't already. Secondly that could cause them both to possibly get fired, you never know. I think she needs to be more firm with this guy about leaving her alone.
You're completely right when you say that it's very hard to rebuild trust with someone after they have broken it. The only way it can have a chance of working is if she agrees to be completely open with you and be willing to answer any questions you may have. You should make her work for it a little and don't just let her off easy. Make sure she understands how wrong her behavior was and let her know clearly that it won't be tolerated again cause you're out the door if it happens again.