Hello everyone, I am not sure why I am writing, except I have no one to share this with ( which does tell me a lot, if I can't go to my close friends with this ). In Feb I found an old friend/boyfriend online and found out that he had been looking for me for years too. So we have been writing, we live a thousand miles apart and he is married and I am in a long term committed relationship.
In the beginning of our emails, we worked out the "what happened and where do we go from here?". We agreed that we must be friends only and that neither of us wants to hurt our partner. That all seems good- but about a month ago, feelings started slipping into our conversations, again, we agreed we both feel the pull, but we are to remain friends only. We do not want anyone to get hurt- so what is the problem?
I can't stop thinking of him. He writes me as soon as he gets into work and we email all day back and fort, mostly just about our day or what we are up to- we openly discuss our partners and what we do together. I never complain about my partner, as I don't want to be that person. I look forward to these emails and find I miss them over the weekend. I believe he does too, as he writes to me as soon as he gets into work and often just before he leaves.
Again, we have not professed love for each other and we have set up the boundries ( we were friends before we tried dating, and we both agree we just slipped back into our friendship as if the 24 years was 25 hours, very comfortable ).
I welcome anyone's thoughts on this situation-
Last edited by moderator2; 10-01-2012 at 06:55 PM.
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This is absolutely the beginning of an "emotional affair" If you value your relationship you must stop.
I did that. I reconnected with someone from 25 years in my past. It was an incredibly bad thing to have done. I broke up a family and nearly run myself insane. I caused tons of hard feelings and even more resentment. I had always had this dream of finding that particular girl and when I did it was more of a nightmare than you can imagine.
Best thing you can do is stop now. Before any lives are ruined and before anyone is hurt. Nothing good can come of it.
I agree about this being an emotional affair. Both of you are missing something in your relationships and reaching out each day as "friends" is not a good idea. This is my opinion. It will bring heart and heartache to you both and to your families. He is married and you need to stay away from him. He should be committed to his wife or leave her. I don't think you would want your significant other or husband writing to another woman. That is being unfaithful and unloyal and it is wrong. Sorry but I think you should stop writing. It is hard because we want to do what we want to do but it will only cause more problems. Pretty soon you will want to see each other and then what?
You are all right- and after writing it out last night, I was shocked- it is different looking at it from the outside.
thank you- I will stop this- I think I needed to get out of it to see it for what it really is.
Wow, it was much easier to type that I knew what I need to do, than it is to do it.
This is more difficult and painful than I thought it would be. I know, that means it is the right thing to do. I miss him- I miss our email chats- today was tough!!
I even had a friend remind me of a time we were all together- out of the blue, today. It was just one of those things- remember when... and I have not mentioned anything about reconnecting with him- and today, of all days, out of nowhere comes a hey, do you remember... I felt like I got kicked in the gut. And wondered what the heck was going on-
I know, I know, I got myself in this mess, but man- what a painful mess it is.
I am not expecting sympathy from anyone, I am just admitting the struggle that I never imagined I would ever be having- and I am not sure how to get through it. I understand the wrong, but I can only do my best to move forward in a positive direction. yes, it would be worse if... however, that does not negate the struggle and feelings I am dealing with right now. I understand people's anger at me- but again, all I can say is this is not something I had expected nor is it something I have any idea how to deal with in a healthy manner. I am reaching out here for help, not sympathy but just help with my personal struggle. I KNOW I am not the only person in this situation.
I know you will go through grieving, like a death of a person or relationship. We all are tempted and have needs in our lives. No one is perfect and some people fill those needs at times when we are the most vulnerable. We are not judging you or I'm not judging you because I have had emotional affairs too in my head but I had to realize that I needed to remember the grass is not always greener on the other side and that fantasy is much more interesting than reality sometimes. I chose to make the best of my situation and it took time but I'm glad I didn't follow my desires. Best wishes. Remember it takes time to heal.
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post: chronicpain4eve (10-04-2012)
Yesterday I rec'd an email w/ just a song title. I KNEW i should not listen to the song, but I did. And we have been emailing again- again I established boundries w/ him- and intellictually I know this is wrong.
I am struggling as this is not who I am, I actually feel worse for his wife ( as I have been cheated on and always wondered why the woman would do this to another "sister"). I know we will not see each other and it can't move beyond what it is now- I know I love my boyfriend of 12 years and that he is good to me.
why is this so hard to drop? or rather, why is it so hard to do the right thing?
Wives and girlfriends, I know if you are reading this you hate me and I don't blame you. I am having a difficult time liking myself even a little, right now.
I cannot believe how painful this is- both ways. TO leave and to maintain our friendship-relationship.