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Old 10-04-2012, 02:13 PM   #1
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is it me or him?

this is my first time on here. I guess I am looking to find out how to save my marriage. I love my husband with everything i have inside, but sometimes I feel stuck. I am not sure sometimes if i take things to heart or get too sensitive. An example of how things are is like today i came home from a doc appt.(which is 1.5 hrs away and i have a 2 yr old) so by the time my appt was over it was 11:15. my daughter was hungry so i stopped for lunch before heading home. it costed 30 dollars. i have to pick up my other daughter from school at 2:15 back at home, so after i returned to my city, i realized i was early to pick up my daughter but not enough time to go home. so i called my hubby and asked if he wanted me to pick anything up in town(ie) his beer. he said ya. so i did.... picked up my daughter then came home.... he wouldn't speak to me other than to answer me then on his way out the door he said he was tired of my expenditures.... this happens every time i go out. no matter what i do it's never right. from the way i dress to how i raise our kids to how dinner tastes... i feel like i can't do anything right..... is this normal?

 
Old 10-04-2012, 02:39 PM   #2
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Re: is it me or him?

no that's not normal....
is he actually saying these things or are you interpreting what he said to mean dinner tastes bad, you don't dress right, etc

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 02:43 PM   #3
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Re: is it me or him?

no he says it. the other day i made a roast (we had his mother here) and it was underdone in the center... he picked it off the table and brought it out to me in the kitchen and threw it on the counter and told me to throw it in the garbage. he looked at me like i really f***ed it up. then his mom said hey hey hey... just pop it back in the oven... or i'll get dressed to go get my daughter or go grocery shopping whatever, and i'll come out of the bedroom and he'll say... is that what you are wearing???? whatever i am not with you... so i'll change and he'll just shrug...

 
Old 10-04-2012, 02:54 PM   #4
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Re: is it me or him?

I am sure that there is so much more to whats happening in your relationship, but just responding to your post, right off the bat, I wondered why did lunch cost so much for a 2 yr old and 1 adult.

Is he the sole income earner in your household? Are the children his and yours? How long have you been married? Was he always rude and belittling before you married him?

For some reason, he does not value you why?

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:22 PM   #5
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Re: is it me or him?

well we have been married for 7 yrs now... lunch costed so much because we went to a small buffet, which was 8.50 a person. my daughter being 2 you would think would cost less... apperantly not. they charged her full price... then they added on 2 drinks a pop for me and a milk for my daughter...it was rediculous i agree. even the waitress felt bad but said she wasn't allowed to change it. also, yes the girls are his. he is the only one working, however, he will not allow me to work. before we got married he was spectacular... we always said we saved each others life. we were both headed in the wrong direction...he used to hold the door for me and do things with me... never a lot, but even to talk with me while i do dishes... it meant so much. he would notice eveything. he knew me better than i knew myself. but it seemed after we got married he got harder.... then when i got pregnant with my first, he got harder yet again my sister in law said "you watch, you'll have a baby and he'll get nasty" Naturally i didn't believe her... after i had the baby thing got bad.... then we had a big fight and things mellowed out. then i got pregnant again, it got bad.....i ended up losing the baby...not to say from him... he helped me out a lot there and was really understanding.... things got better. then i got pregnant again with my 2 yr old... he got really picky after that.... angry all the time.... but I knew he was under a lot of stress and whatnot.... then we bought a home. and i was doing all the work getting it ready to move into....it needed a lot of tlc. so while he was at work i took care of the house... a week after we moved in i find out i am pregnant again... and again it seems to be escalating...

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:25 PM   #6
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Re: is it me or him?

omg my husband was the same way he will give me this look when i were to go to my sisters house and ill b like wat did i do wrong n when ill drink w my friends n i always get so mad n snap at him so i stopped drinkin even tho i didnt get the chance to like b4 i had my son but all that stopped after we just talked about it every fight fixd our relationship there still some things that need to b fixed but he was very jealous at first and so mad my cooking has gotten a lot better but when there is no cooked food omg i ****** up he gives me that look n ugh but if he hits u girl its time for u to leave...you need to get birth control girl more babies n its just gonna get harder for u n him he is probably alll stressed out from work cus trust me my man gets all moody too when hes worried about money n bills n stuff my husband had a minor stroke right after we had my baby idk why but he had just gotten a new job n that job messed him up after idk but i guess it stressed him out n he will get all delicate w the bb it drove me crazy even my mother wouldnt interfiere cus he was so overprotective i had been pregnant twice after my bb had just turned 1 but my baby died after 8 weeks inside me so in a way it was good but i wasnt ready for another i can imagine how u feel but u need to be strong n keep up n put ur kids first then ur husband ok n if u can sit down n talk t him take advantage n bring back that old him back that used to understand u n love u! goodluck!

Last edited by senia22; 10-04-2012 at 03:37 PM.

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:37 PM   #7
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Re: is it me or him?

i don't think he'd ever hit me... and i don't have any friends b/c if i do it is a huuuuuge deal. he doesn't want to be around anybody, he just likes to drink at home... we used to go out before we got married and drink together so the drinking is nothing new, but we had fun. Everybody loved being around him. now, he just sits there pointing... i have tried to talk to him, but he always says to put my "feelers" away. or to suck it up. i asked him for a little help around the house (which i realize he works and i don't) but it's extreme with him. He won't put his plate away, her gets into snacks at night and leaves the garbage everywhere pulls his socks or pants off and leaves them in the middle of the living room floor, beer cans everywhere, it goes on. believe me!) and he told me it was my job. he won't help at all. other ppl are starting to see and i get embarrassed when they pull me aside and say something. if i try to talk to him it's always... must be comming on that time of the mth... or pregnancy hormones... which i guess is why i wonder if i am over reacting.

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:41 PM   #8
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Re: is it me or him?

oh, too, this is our last baby... i said by the time i was 30 i would be done, so i am getting my tubes tied when this one is born. we had been trying for this baby for 2 yrs... we always wanted four but i am happy with 3

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:51 PM   #9
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Re: is it me or him?

I am sorry, that he seems to be taking out his frustrations on you. First you may want to consider birth control. Either him or you. It seems to be an area of helplessness and anger perhaps his attitude it is economically driven. Children are expensive. Are you all having financial stress?

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:56 PM   #10
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Re: is it me or him?

no actually, money isn't too bad... we made arrangment for another baby. we bought a house with an extra bedroom to ready for a new baby, before i was preggers. this was totally planned. it took a long time, and i think we both almost even gave up. but that isn't the issue here i don't think. me talking about his comment on the expendatures was only todays comment before he left for work, was only an example. it's everything from how i sweep to how i walk. not just how i spend. his brother is like this too, from what i understand his father was like this too when he was married.

 
Old 10-04-2012, 04:37 PM   #11
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Re: is it me or him?

i don't want to leave him, i love him... i just don't know how to swallow it sometimes.... i guess i am just venting. wondering how i can make it better.... it seems the harder i try the worse i get. having another baby is about the best thing right now. more to love. I look at my girls and they are what keep me together... I just wish I could make him happy i guess. I don't want to loose him. But it seems like I can't.

 
Old 10-05-2012, 06:12 AM   #12
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Re: is it me or him?

I don't believe in leaving yet. Until you have done all you can do. I don't mean doing all he wants you to do only, because that is not your only role in the marriage. He too has a role but he and you sound like you have it twisted. For example, you believe you don't work only he does. You are a stay at home mom, you most certainly work you just don't get a pay check for it. He brings home a pay check but expect you to continue to working after he gets home. He thinks its ok and normal to talk down to you. I guess because his dad, grandfather all treated their wives the same. To control you with his looks, words and actions. That is not love. I am not judging you or him, but if you are made to feel less and not more, less valued, less loved, less appreciated, less, less, less. You may want to consider your options. One, is to decide what role you will play in this marriage. One of a lesser spouse, or one who is equal in your value as a human being, as a wife as a mother. Marriage is a partnership. You are supposed to have each other backs against all others. He is to love you as he loves himself. You are to love and respect him. No where is it ok that a marriage is I'm the boss and what I say goes, You (work) for me. Unless you like that sort of marriage. Do you? If not, then you should consider having bounderies. When he begins to berate you, scold you like a child, fuss and cuss at you then you need to have a response. I don't mean fussing and cussing back at him, because men are physically stronger and can be domineering and controlling because it makes them feel they are in control of their world. But you live in the same world, so its your world too. Women are mentally stronger so you need to use your mental capabilities to mold the world you want to live in with him or without him. He needs to be made to understand, that you will not accept his berating, trying to break you down, disrespectful dialogue and grunts. Otherwise, you will continue to be under appreciated, ignored, disrespected and everything else you feel is unacceptable.

 
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Old 10-05-2012, 08:39 AM   #13
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Re: is it me or him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by liskers View Post
i don't want to leave him, i love him... i just don't know how to swallow it sometimes.... i guess i am just venting. wondering how i can make it better.... it seems the harder i try the worse i get. having another baby is about the best thing right now. more to love. I look at my girls and they are what keep me together... I just wish I could make him happy i guess. I don't want to loose him. But it seems like I can't.
he's controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive. Please be careful, by staying with this man and exposing him to your children, they are going to pick up his bad habits. If you have a boy, he will be learning from his father, that women don't need to be respected or treated right.....you could be raising a future abuser. Kids live what they learn and learn what they live. If you have a girl, you're teaching her that it's ok to let a man control and abuse you. think hard about this

 
Old 10-05-2012, 08:41 AM   #14
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Re: is it me or him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by liskers View Post
no actually, money isn't too bad... we made arrangment for another baby. we bought a house with an extra bedroom to ready for a new baby, before i was preggers. this was totally planned. it took a long time, and i think we both almost even gave up. but that isn't the issue here i don't think. me talking about his comment on the expendatures was only todays comment before he left for work, was only an example. it's everything from how i sweep to how i walk. not just how i spend. his brother is like this too, from what i understand his father was like this too when he was married.
my point exactly in my last post......and your SON will be like this too.....
this stuff trickles down......if I were you, I'd break the cycle NOW.

 
Old 10-05-2012, 09:56 AM   #15
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Re: is it me or him?

thank you, I think if i could just find a way to make him hear himself it would help. i was thinking of buying a recorder or something so i could replay it for him? He actually IS a good man. He puts his brother and father down for being this way, so it leads me to believe that he doesn't realize he does it too....a lot. many ppl have told me as soon as we walks in the house he scans it... looking for something to pick at. I am thinking this is habit. if i can find a way to break it i know it would help. like i said in a previous post though, he know me better than i know me.... this makes it hard for me to change anything b/c any change in my routine automatically sets off flags to him. then he gets angry when i tell him what is wrong. so i need to find a way to make changes without him knowing i am doing so.

 
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