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Old 10-05-2012, 09:41 PM   #1
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New. Need advice please?!

I'm 23 years old and have been with my fiance since I was 18 years old.He was married but recently separated when we got together.She ended up leaving after he chose to be with me and found someone else[not with anymore].He has a son with her and was only married to her a few months. Turns out she had used him,the marriage, and the baby just to get out of her strict fathers house because she was only 17. We now have 3 beautiful baby girls, and have both completely changed since then but I have some things that are bothering me. For one, he is still married to his "ex". I have caught him sneaking to talk to her for 30 min-1hr at a time while i was at work[phone logs],him staying in bathroom to talk to her[me thinking he's using the bathroom) then he he would say it was about his son, but he deleted the calls from our phone. why hide it? the thing that has been bothering me the most is that he has been married to her this whole time and I have begged him for the past 5 years to marry me, but he has excuse after excuse as to why he hasn't got a divorce yet. we have the money. also, here lately it seems like he isn't interested in me anymore. the spark just isn't there. he has turned me down numerous times for sex. i am insecure after having 3 children. I think I am still attractive but I fear that he may not.He swears that he still finds me attractive but I just don't believe it.He also admitted to me that he did miss her and that she was better (sexually) than I was at first. Any advice?

Last edited by WantToBeLoved; 10-05-2012 at 09:42 PM.

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 03:07 PM   #2
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Re: New. Need advice please?!

I hate to say this but it sounds to me like he wants his cake and eat it too. I'm afraid, although you say she used him to get out of her house, it sounds to me like he's using you, in a sense. He's keep himself an "out" in case things don't work and true love is all about being totally committed. Basically, someone in love doesn't "need" any outs. I'm so sorry you've had three children with him already but honestly, after one child (or even before you had any children) I think he needed to commit to the relationship or you needed to pull the plug. Child two and three and innocent victims in this thing and really deserve more but at this point, you need to make the best out of where things are right now.

The bottom-line is he needs to fully commit to you and the children or you need to split (with the kids). To boot, you'll also need to file paternity paperwork. He still owes financial support to the children he fathered. You're in a precarious situation and it really shouldn't have gotten this far but now the balls in your court. I wish you and the children all the best and I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh. Unfortunately, when children are involved, there just isn't any wiggle room.

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 08:25 PM   #3
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Re: New. Need advice please?!

Trust your gut instinct, you're suspicious for a reason. There is most definitely something going on between him and the ex. What happens depends on you, you can either confront him and try to work on the relationship, if he is willing to make an effort. Leave him. Or pretend nothing is going on and everything will stay the same.

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 08:38 PM   #4
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Re: New. Need advice please?!

I can understand your concerns. The fact that he is still married to this other woman is a huge red flag. What man, or woman would continue to have children while married to someone else? I would suggest you have your own accounts, your own money and belongings, because if this does not work out between you two, you have three small children to take care of by yourself. I would never let that fact leave your mind.

This man is not able to commit to you, your children or her either. I would keep yourself ready to take what ever action necessary to protect those kids and yourself. Do you already have him legally documented as their father? This is a real mess that I would seek legal advice on as well. Find out what grounds you have to stand on in your state, should the relationship dissolve. I know this is a worst case scenario, but that is what you need protection from.

Words are one thing, but actions are what we really should be graded on. If he is hiding in the bathroom to talk to a woman he is married to legally, and you are on the other side of the wall wondering what is going on, with three little kids on your hip, you should be very concerned.Trust your instincts, that is what they are there for.

Best to you and your children

 
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:09 AM   #5
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm hoping I figure something out and soon!

 
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:50 AM   #6
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Re: New. Need advice please?!

I think there is something going on that you don't know about and that's why he won't commit. For me personally I could never have 1 kid let alone 3 with a guy who is still married. The fact that he hasn't made any move toward commiting to you after the first not to mention the second but most recently now the third means that he has no intentions of ever making that happen. You need to get a lawyer to ensure he is financially taking care of his parental responsibilities but other than that I would not waste any more time waiting for him. See how little waiting around has gotten you so far and that's not likely to ever change. For your own sake you know what you need to do. I think you knew before you posted but you just needed to get it validated from others.

 
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