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Old 10-07-2012, 08:57 AM   #1
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unforgiveable

Approximately 2 years ago in March (after seeing my bf over the holidays who i have been with for almost 20 years now and have not slept with anybody else, and we have not been having much sex, if any, for the past 5 years bc he was not interested or for whatever reason but it was not my doing...that's another story) I had my first OB on my buttocks cheek three months later...thought it was a spider bite. Doctor gave me antibiotic for the lesion. Did not have another OB until November when I was with my boyfriend but it had started right before I saw him. I mentioned to my dermatologist about this and she said she bet it was genital herpes. I was totally in shock and said it couldn't be bc I had not had sex for almost 3 or 5 years...lost count now. She acted like she did not believe me...BUT "I" know. My bf and I met up again for holidays for ~1 month, again no sex. I had another OB in April after seeing a dead person.... I went to a different doctor and she prescribed antibiotics again. I then went to clinic and had a blood test which came back negative for type I but positive for type II. I was horrified...cried a lot! Asked my bf who acted like he didn't know where that could come from...finally admitted to having sex (only oral he says and it was bc he was drunk!) before/during our initial days back in the mid 90's! A lot has happened in our lives since then...he had mentioned it to me but I thought he was referring to back when he knew her in the 70's...so shame on me. I am humiliated. Anyhow that was a long time ago and we have had unprotected sex for many many years up until ~2008...when we had problems with our relationship. but I got the first noticeable OB in 2011! Dermatologist said you can get from toilet seats but from what I have read this is not really true. The only thing that I did that winter was go unknowingly in an allegedly filthy hot tub at night. Anyhow, to make a long story short I have had ~5 OBs now. I asked my bf to get the blood test specific to HSV 2. He apparently did go to the doctor in Europe but they convinced him that he did not need to do this and just took a urine sample for 2 other STDs which were negative. I was extremely disappointed since I had insisted that he have the blood test for HSV II. He does not like needles and was relieved by this even though I told him that they would probably not do it there. Again I cried a lot. Anyhow, we discussed and decided that we would do it the next time we were both in another country that was cheaper to have the test done than Europe. Now that we are coming up to trip to another country that is cheaper to have the test I mentioned it and he says he never agreed and that he will be on vacation...and that the doctor told him it was unnecessary bc he would have it bc he apparently has gotten cold sores in the past. I was speechless. This is something that is unforgivable...it is one thing to cheat on me if that is the case but it is another not to get the test. I know he does not like needles and is arguing that he does not see the point. I am strong enough to say this is it...even though we have been together for so many years and gone through unbelievably difficult times together. Do you think it is unreasonable that I tell him if he is not going to get the test that I can no longer make plans with him? Tickets and reservations are already bought and paid for...I also take care of his money.....I have no intention of not continuing to do this for him but I cannot be with him if he is so selfish. I am very affected by this lesion on my buttocks...I have a lot of questions (can it occur other places? if we have sex will I give it to him? or can he give it to me in other locations?, etc.) and I do want a loving caring relationship. I have a lot to give someone (and I don't mean herpes!). Please advise.

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:40 AM   #2
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Re: unforgiveable

Hi behaviour is pretty odd.

How does he feel about you having it? Is he acting like he doesn't have it and doesn't want to get it from you? (I can't tell from your post.)

Anyway, your logic makes sense, but his doesn't seem to. It almost sounds like he's got it and he knows it (and it might even have something to do with the reduced sex) and sees no point in testing for it.

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:24 PM   #3
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Re: unforgiveable

Well I have already been through this scenario...the only thing I can to that is he does not have any symptoms. We stay together for long periods and when his decreased interest seems to be fairly permanent I thought perhaps he has an OB so I made sure and checked and there was nothing....I must say that we spend long periods apart and he is much older than me....I also don't really like him to take Viagra...he has complained off and on for many years...and then stopped. He says it was bc we were fighting or that I don't do anything to get him motivated or whatever...it is almost believable...and even if it wasn't he should get checked to see if he has it BUT the doctor convinced that he already has it if I have it...and there is no need for a blood test. The biggest reason could be bc he hates needles. So, even if he did contract it not too long ago (say 5 years ago) we have not had much intimacy so seems weird that I ended up getting in almost 4 months from last time I saw him and hadn't had sex for almost the past 4 years.....anyhow, I told him that there were several reasons why "we" needed to go...to see if he has it? to know how we need to manage it? to know if I/he could get it in other areas moving forward....I am not about to carry on like this. I do not think I could be holed up in a small place out in the middle of the ocean with him for a long period of time (it really is beautiful) but I will be upset and unable to get away from him or fly out of there....and I am emotionally attached to him so it hurts to see and then not see and then leaving is always very difficult on me....bc you just get used to being together and then you know you won't see each other for a long time. Anyhow I want to be a bit discreet but you get the picture. There are different cultural attitudes about these things....

Also I have pretty much resigned myself to him cheating on me (I will never know, nobody ever really knows unless it comes from the horse's mouth)...I almost do believe he would not know if he had it and if he had symptoms he would definitely be telling me about it bc it is not fun and it is confusing...when I showed him my lesion he had no clue what it was - said it might be a boil....my Mother also did not know what it was nor did the two docs who prescribed antibacterials.....

Ok...any advice on why he needs to be tested?

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:12 PM   #4
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Re: unforgiveable

sorry for the typos and wrong choice or words....but you get the picture I hope.

 
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Old 10-08-2012, 12:36 PM   #5
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Re: unforgiveable

You said he had outbreaks on his lips then it is completely possible that is how you got infected. No cheating needed. Happens every day.

 
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Old 10-08-2012, 07:58 PM   #6
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Re: unforgiveable

Yes that is possible...but I have never seen him with a cold sore on his lips. I do sorta kinda believe that he has / had no idea that he carries HSV II (and he may not bc he has not had a blood test). He had no idea about the lesion on my buttocks (and neither did I at the time). It seems odd even if he did cheat on me given that we have not had much intimacy if any and then when we last saw each other it took 3 months for me to have an OB...I realize I may have had minor symptoms that went undetected. I do believe he went to the doctor and he convinced him that bc he had a cold sore in the past that he has the herpes virus....I do not think he realizes that I need more support than he is giving me, especially since it is a long distance relationship. He has called me every day but I am speechless...i don't know what to say to him and cannot see how we can spend a week together and then go on holiday for 6 weeks to a remote island and live together in very small space....I am sure I will get angry especially if he is not attentive to me....I still do not understand why he has not been interested in me for several years...it is true we were arguing...but that never stopped him...he is not too many years from 70 though - perhaps this has something to do with it? I don't like him to take viagra though I know he has it at his disposal. He is quite narcissistic and a prima dona. I do love him and we have been through serious life events (he lost somebody very important to him). Just seems weird that in 15 years I never got anything and then after a few years of problems...I get it? I did think that maybe he had a sore on his penis/buttocks and I made sure to check when he was in the bathroom...plus he is such a baby and quite ignorant in the pure sense of the word about health matters...that he would have complained to me...the only thing he ever complained of was what seemed to be a hemorrhoid. He is very close to me about his personal bits...and issues. We are very close in many ways...though I do not trust him 100%...I am friends with his ex but I would never and have never discussed him to her bc that would not be right and she is a lady..no need to go there. I too would not do that. I am speechless when he said he didn't need to go to the doctor bc he would be on holiday. Am I wrong to think it is the right thing to do - that is, when we are travelling in another country we/he will have a blood test? and we can ask questions about my health? and how we can manager this moving forward? Or should I just forget it? Perhaps he thinks he must have it by default (or knows he could have contracted it) --doesn't matter bc I have it--- so does not feel the need to have blood drawn? I don't know. What I need is rationale for why he should get tested and accompany me to the clinic. I don't know...I don't even want to talk about this anymore with him. THE END. there is nothing more to talk about.

 
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