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-   -   Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/922912-am-i-wanting-fight-he-wrong.html)

Engel87 10-13-2012 05:59 PM

Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong?
 
Hey people. first of all I want to thank you for reading this and for the feedback. It is much appreciated.

So, I've been in a relationship for 4 years. We are way too different but somehow managed to overpass those differences and got along.. However, we've been having constant fights over the last year. These were intense and almost every day. I was hurt a lot and he got ****** almost every day. I guess I fell out of love and I told him how I felt, that I wasn't in love anymore but still cared for him. He was shocked but a few days later told me something really immature "Well, if you don't love me, I don't love you either"- As if that were something I'd chose!? Whatever. Talking to him about that would've gotten us into another fight so I kept quiet.

So we decided to keep on dating because we still care for each other and got really used to one another, I mean, it's been 4 years!

He traveled abroad for work some 3 weeks ago and he's staying a month more. We would only e-mail each other at night and have talked twice via Facetime through the ipod I bought for him for his bday. Now, he's the kind of guy who doesn't like to talk all the time but does this "for me". So that's a plus.

He says he misses me and all that jazz, but he got a new blackberry phone and posted his pin on his facebook status. He didn't send me a private message or e-mail with his phone nor pin. Somehow I feel I am not important to him anymore. If this had been the other way around, I would've texted him and let him know, knowing we don't speak regularly. So I told him how I felt and he called me a crazy woman. He said he wasn't going to tell me these kind of things, that I could check them out on his facebook page. That if by the end of the day I didn't see them he would email them. Still, I feel he wanted to let everyone know and didn't care if I found out or not. If you're in a relationship, wouldn't you tell your partner the good news first?! This also happened when he got into a conference and was going to fly to Indonesia, he wrote it down on his facebook page and I found out like that.

So is he wrong or am I over reacting?

ninamarc 10-14-2012 10:23 AM

Re: Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong?
 
Sorry you have trouble with your friend. First of all, it depends on whatever relationship it is. Are you his wife? Are you going to break off? What is the status? It seems you are trying now as you like each other a lot. Honestly, if the relationship is hanging in the air, you really need to have some space between 2 of you. I don't see why he has to tell you everything. If he posts in facebook, you can read it there as well and say you like it or comment on it in FB. Yes you got him a lot of apps and you want to communicate. But why should he always tell you everything if he has a conference? If he is on the road, he may need to tell you the rough schedule, but not the details about hotels or meetings... Also he is/was in another country. Calling you would be expensive. Emailing you may take his time. When a person travels abroad, there are lots of stuff to do to take care of himself so he may not have time to text you. You just need to know he is doing well, and that is enough.

He has his own privacy and you have your own.
Perhaps you should leave some space. Maybe he needs some room to breathe. Yes he would share with you his good news but if you are having issues, he may want to cool it down a bit and see.

I don't even care where my sisters go for outings although I would like to know some major trips they make with my parents. But even in family, things like too much details are difficult to share. It is either too time-consuming to tell you all or it is their privacy.
I got some stuff I don't tell my folks or my husband. My husband never tells me any details at work about his meetings unless I need to contact him for urgency...

Please leave some space or privacy first. Then you can work on the relationship from a better angle. If you want to follow him too closely, he may think you don't trust him. It is like he got his own life and doesn't need to tell you everything. Do you tell him everything? You also have your own schedule, so it is best that you also focus on your own while he is out of town.

Hugs,
Nina

CadenceA 10-14-2012 11:22 AM

Re: Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong?
 
Am I reading this right and you are mad because he "pinned" himself on Facebook without telling you first? Are you seriously fighting about Facebook? Do you believe he shouldn't be allowed to post anything on Facebook without telling you first?

I think there are way more important things than Facebook to be worrying about. Such as you still thinking he has to run everything by you even though you told him you aren't in love with him anymore. If someone told me that I wouldn't be checking in with them about every little thing either.

Belly Kelly 10-14-2012 03:29 PM

Re: Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong?
 
I definitely think you are sending mixed messages to this man. You don't really love him but want him to put you first. You mention a relationship and then say you will keep "dating." I look at dating and relationships a bit differently. Are you committed to one another or just dating?

Don't make mountains out of mole hills. If he is talking to you every day then he is making you part of his life. The question is if you are a priority. Is he a priority in your life?

Kristoforo 10-20-2012 04:55 AM

Re: Am I wanting to fight or was he wrong?
 
Trying to influence a relationship with your own aspirations may make a man feel that you are emotionally trying to control his life. And that is what scares him away. His confidence is slowly being eroded and he is slowly trying to regain it.

Men usually tend to be controlling and have been programmed in this regard since early boyhood. They usually rid themselves of this controlling frame of mind by the time they reach maturity. However when challenged, or when they feel that their own opinions are being negated, they revert either to silence or some other defense mechanism,

Sometimes you need to give a man time to sort out his own feelings and let him determine when a resolution on this point has been reached. He will then slowly let you know what the status of your relationship really is by his actions.


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