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Old 10-31-2012, 02:03 AM   #1
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Married but in love with another man - help!

Hi, everyone. I am 32 years old and have been married 4 years (together for 5). It hasn't been perfect along the way, and we have had 17 months of his unemployment and money problems to deal with the whole time. My husband also dealt with alcoholism, which was a constant strain until he stopped for a while. We had a beautiful and happy little boy who is 2 years old now.

Basically, I have been so lonely that I think sometimes that I can't make it through another day. Back in Seattle we had lots of friends, some who I was very close to, and I miss them. I also had hobbies, places I liked to go to, and I ran 10-12 miles every weekend. Since we moved to Denver for my graduate studies, I never really had a chance to make friends because I was always the married one, and then the pregnant one, and at a college that sort of places you a bit too far outside the norm. The worst part is that though my husband is pleasant to me, we never spend any time together or have sex (once every six weeks when I beg). We never cuddle or make out. We don't like the same things, and we can't afford a babysitter so we never go out. We fall asleep at different times and wake up at different times so even our bed is a place of loneliness.

About 2.5 months ago I started interacting with a friend of a friend on Facebook. From the first few emails (mostly just about mundane details of our lives and our histores) I would get a total rush when I saw his name in my inbox, and little did I know he was feeling the same way. Over the weeks it got deeper and deeper and closer and closer until I was starting to feel something that for all the world seemed like love. I ended up deciding to hop a plane to his city (he had invited me) and we spent a blissful week together (with no sex). But it was obvious all of the right elements were there to create off the charts sexual tension. Not to mention the fact that we didn't even DO much, just walking to the bookstore to pick up a book, or to stop and get a smoothie in a downpour, or to share a pizza and some diet cokes,, or even just sitting on his couch leaning back against him - those were the best things I have ever experienced. Everything just felt "right". It seemed like we had known each other all of our lives.

He wants to marry me, and it seems clear to me that he loves me in a way I have never been loved. I've never felt so beautiful as I do when I'm around him, and I'm probably not even that pretty, it's just what he does to me, I feel light as air. He is ready to take on a 2 year old stepson, too. He wanted kids but never met anyone he had wanted them with enough. I left and came back to chaos here back home, understandably, and my husband and I got as far as to almost sit down with a mediator and set our child custody and finances in order before I panicked and canceled the appointment. He wants to move in ASAP (or for me to move out from my husband's house and move in with him) but it's going too fast for me and it makes me worry that I'll regret leaving my marriage and my son (50/50 custody) therefore: half of his life! How can I do that? But how can I live without the love of my life? It's only the first day and I feel like I'm dying.

I really need some advice here. I am supposed to be "out of contact" with my lover and I am, although I am obsessed with him all the time and I miss him. What should I do? Would my son be better off to have a happily divorced and happily remarried mom he sees only half the time than a depressed mom who can't eat or sleep and feels like she is wasting away in a mediocre marriage?

I would love to hear stories from anyone, but I am especially curious about married people who left to marry their affair partner. Can it work? Did your kids sustain damage? Are you happy years down the road?

Many thanks! I need this so bad right now - I thank everyone for even reading this and I would love if you could reply.

Last edited by solarmama; 10-31-2012 at 02:11 AM.

 
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Old 11-01-2012, 03:40 PM   #2
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Re: Married but in love with another man - help!

Hi Solar,

I feel for you I really do. I know how hard it is to live with a depressed husband and economical struggles! Of course a severely depressed person, male or female, cannot meet anyone's needs. He is incapable of giving while he is feeling so much devastation and loss. I advise you to face the problems in your marriage and to woman up. It is not your fault the economy is bad, but it also is not your husband's fault he is down-hearted.

I vote NO...heck no, don't think with your wishbone. A father cannot be merely replaced with a stranger without severely burning your child. yes the scarring will be like creating a fire that won't die down. Please do not kid yourself.

No matter how cozy and warm and touchy-feelie this new guy seems to you, he is not 'tried & true'. He is not your child's father, and is not prince charming. he is there to take from you, I am positive of it, and when done he will wonder why you are upset with him.

No man of character would put you in this position of even having this decision to make. A man of character looks for a mate that is available. You are not truly available. As a famous Dr. on TV has said, if you want to end the marriage you have to earn that and you need to be finished with that before you start another relationship. You are not free to be with someone else until you do.

This new man that seems like the answer to your prayers is really a diversion from you facing and dealing with how bad the problems you have are feeling to you. That is what your husband needs from you. Rather than begging for attention, try paying him attention and confess that you understand how bad things are feeling so he can see he is not alone in his sadness. Why do you not tell him that not being a man you can't totally understand and ask how you can help?

Millions share the hard times you are going through.
Really. Should we all ask each other if we should exchange spouses? Do you really believe that will fix your life? Or is it even fair to this new guy, say if he is genuinely a great guy? (not that I believe a man that even considers taking another man's wife is a great man).

Every man farts, burps, gets sick, gets depressed, gets angry and would be just as down spirited if he had to face what your husband is facing. After just a few months of this new man having no responsibility, after only one contact, and no background check you would disrupt your own and your child's life and throw away a marriage? I'm just wondering if you blow off other commitments when you come against difficulties., because you see, we don't get to pick & choose what life throws your way. It is how we deal with it that shows who we really are.

I'm not judging you for feeling lonely...it's just human. But honey your husband is your man and he is lonelier than you right now. I hate to see you throwing away your husband like so much trash to get rid of. For your sake and for your child's sake.

Last edited by jillian4; 11-03-2012 at 05:16 PM.

 
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Old 11-04-2012, 02:21 AM   #3
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Re: Married but in love with another man - help!

If anyone ever told you marriage is easy, they lied. It's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth the hard work.

You and your husband has been through a lot. His unemployment, his alcoholism and having a baby, each a thing to put strain on a relationship and together, the pressure is just too much.

People who drink excessively are often trying to hide or run away from something. What you are doing now is very similar. Instead of facing your problems and talking to your husband about them, getting help and counselling etc. you are running into the arms of another man.
But just like alcohol won't fix any problems but just create new ones, this new man of yours will not fix any problems but just create new ones. Instead of owning up and being adult, you are running like a deer caught in the headlights. It's time to step up.

I read a lot of underlying bitterness in your post. Maybe it just stems from the fact that no one likes to betray a good guy, so making your husband seem less in your own eyes makes it easier for you to chase this other man. But there's no smoke without a fire and I think you need to talk things through.
If you can't do it yourself, get help from a therapist or your local priest/minister/ect. A respectful, open dialogue is the first step.

You also need to end all contact with the other man. You can't honestly say that you will fight for your current relationship while having a plan B. You need to go all in, otherwise it's just a waste of time.
If he respects you and cares for you he will respect your wish to be left alone.


No matter what happens between you and your husband he deserves that you at least try to make things work and you're not trying when you're romanticizing the thought of another man. Your son also deserves that you try so you can honestly tell him that you did.

IF you are to leave your husband it should not be because of a crush on someone else. It should be because it honestly is the best thing for all people involved, including your husband and including your son.

Remember that when you had a child with your husband, you bound yourself to him for life. He should still see his son even if you split up, keeping a good father from his child is just wrong. Your son also needs to see his biological father and have a healthy relationship with him, it will make him more whole as a person.
So even if you leave your husband, he will be in your life. So you should ask yourself if fighting for the relationship is not worth a try.

 
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:08 AM   #4
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Re: Married but in love with another man - help!

I sympathise with your situtation, I am also in a loveless marriage with a small child. It is brutal to be married to someone you don't love. I am also living in a new place with no friends and am incredibly lonely, and the unemployment thing is something we are facing as a couple too! It is horrible but one thing I've learned from this is that you can't rely on a guy to help you through your problems. This affair is just that, it is a drug to keep you going in your marriage. As soon as you divorce your husband, you will lose all attraction to this new guy. I cheated on my previous husband and the affair didn't last, so I know. The only one who you can rely on is yourself. If your husband doesn't clean up, then you have to leave him. Alcoholism can wreck a marriage. But I would give it time, you are smart and capable and don't need a man. Take care of yourself and your child first, love will come later, with your husband or someone else. I have decided for myself, that it is best to stay in my dull marriage for the sake of my child. If my husband were to be abusive (and alcoholism can do that) then I would leave. I feel your pain, but it sounds like you are a smart, talented woman who will survive this.

 
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