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Old 11-06-2012, 05:31 PM   #1
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Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

A guy and I have been in contact for about 6 months. He wanted me to come out with him all the time. He invited me to come meet him places. I was scared after a long 7 year relationship. I would basically make excuses on why I couldn't be there. We did meet up a couple times at night and a couple times for lunch. We text constantly. We were Google chatting for a while, but I have been so busy with school that I can't really do that right now. We have "texted" about everything under the sun. Things felt like they were kind of falling off and I asked him if he was still interested. He said yes, but I pushed him away, so he couldn't tell if I was.

We have texted non-stop, but they have fell off considerably since the beginning. I guess they would. You get kind of tired of tapping away at your phone. 90% of the time, I get a text back right away. Our conversation may last 10 minutes or three hours.

Here is my dilemma. We started sleeping together and he hasn't asked me to go out to do anything. Now we are both VERY busy, but still... Recently, he will come over for "lunch" or I will go to his house at some point throughout the week. The sex is outstanding.

When we first started sleeping together, he went out of town to "see a friend." I barely heard from him all weekend. We went to the same concert and he went with a female "friend." When I asked him if she was a friend or a "friend," he really just responded with "what I can't have female friends?" Then last week or the week before, I had texted him a couple times and he never got back to me. Later he said, "he unplugged for the night." Wouldn't you just tell someone that?

I have been burned many times, which is why I didn't really want to get involved, but now I have developed feelings for me. I don't want to be needy and don't want to lose the sex. I also know that if this really isn't going very far, I will get hurt when he does find a girl he wants to make his GF...if that makes sense.

I mean we text all the time. I know a ton about his background, his ex, his son. And the same with him. He knows more on what is going on with my son (they are the same age), than his own father does. Every time we are together, we laugh and can re-relate our convos that we texted about. I met his son on Sunday. He has been kind of hesitant to this before. Why would you let a fling meet your son?

I am just a little confused. I am taking the low road and letting things just kind of form as they may. I don't want to have "the talk" yet. We have talked about a mini vacation together. We have talked about views on marriage, having more children, going back to school...just everything. I may not have been right next to him, but he might as well have been right next to me with the involved conversations.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone say this has happened with them and the end result? Thanks everyone!

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Old 11-06-2012, 07:56 PM   #2
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

sounds like he's keeping his options open.....
I'm sure he likes you and enjoys your company and the attention, but he's happy as it is, and he figures as long as you haven't had "the talk", he's not doing anything wrong.....

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:20 AM   #3
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

It sounds as if you two have not spent that much time together face to face. It is that face to fact time that really counts, as typed words lack many aspects of a real conversation. Most of language is expressed with body language, and without that, it is just words.

I would be very careful on this one, I agree with Rose. Most men will find one woman who they will change for, and all the others are there to fill in the time until that happens.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:19 AM   #4
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
It sounds as if you two have not spent that much time together face to face. It is that face to fact time that really counts, as typed words lack many aspects of a real conversation. Most of language is expressed with body language, and without that, it is just words.

I would be very careful on this one, I agree with Rose. Most men will find one woman who they will change for, and all the others are there to fill in the time until that happens.
OK, so what do I do? How do I get more time with him without being pushy? I really want to play my cards right with this one. We have so much in common it's crazy. When we are together it's completely comfortable and I don't want to leave (or have him leave).

An example of why I think this is more is that I am "out of commission" this week. He had texted me and I never got back to him. The next morning, when I texted, he asked what happened last night? I told him I thought you weren't coming over and I crashed early. He replied, "but I still like to talk to you." This tells me there is some sort of connection.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:23 AM   #5
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Newcastlegrl View Post

An example of why I think this is more is that I am "out of commission" this week. He had texted me and I never got back to him. The next morning, when I texted, he asked what happened last night? I told him I thought you weren't coming over and I crashed early. He replied, "but I still like to talk to you." This tells me there is some sort of connection.
THIS tells you there is a connection? it doesn't sound like much more than he would have talked if you would have been around.....
don't read into it

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:27 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
sounds like he's keeping his options open.....
I'm sure he likes you and enjoys your company and the attention, but he's happy as it is, and he figures as long as you haven't had "the talk", he's not doing anything wrong.....
So do you have a suggestion? I replied below that we seem to be really comfortable with each other. I don't want to be girl on the side, the girl he tells his friends about (sex wise), or the girl that could have been something, but now it's just something to pass the time.

I really, really like him. I have a feeling the feeling is mutual, but he is a bit scared. He seems to get close and then kind of close off. Then get close again...then close off. Each time, we get closer, but then he slows it down. The last time we spent the night together, in the morning, I had cuddled up next to him, when he back was toward me. We switched positions after a while. He put his arm around my waist, but then quickly took it back. ??? Was that "oh, I shouldn't do that? I don't know what she wants" or "no, don't get to close." I didn't say anything. Hopefully we will do the same this weekend and I can scope it out a little more.

Thanks for your input by the way.

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THIS tells you there is a connection? it doesn't sound like much more than he would have talked if you would have been around..... don't read into it
So you think that he was basically just saying that to be nice? The reason I say what I said, is because if he was just in it for the sex, then he wouldn't have asked anything about what happened the night before or had said that he still wants to talk to me....and apparently that isn't a good rationalization.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-08-2012 at 01:26 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:38 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newcastlegrl View Post
So you think that he was basically just saying that to be nice? The reason I say what I said, is because if he was just in it for the sex, then he wouldn't have asked anything about what happened the night before or had said that he still wants to talk to me....and apparently that isn't a good rationalization.
it's not JUST the sex, he likes you too and of course if he never talked to you and just was around for sex, that would be too obvious, and he wouldn't get any! he's not stupid!

i've known guys like this, and i've felt the way you have. Trust me, I know pretty much exactly how you feel, and i was confused myself.....but i've learned something......IF a guy likes you and wants you to be his woman, he will make that CRYSTAL clear to you......he will not be deterred, he will not be afraid, he will make it his mission to make sure you understand.....
I don't see that with this guy, he's going along for the ride

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-08-2012 at 01:27 PM. Reason: Posts merged. Please feel free to edit your post instead of adding a new one.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:44 AM   #8
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

I don't know how else you can find out his intentions if you don't talk about it with him. We can all sit here all day speculating about what his words and actions mean but at the end of the day, he is the only one who truly knows his intentions and motivations. So if you want a true answer rather than just a bunch of guessing you'll have to ask the man himself.

I know you're afraid to ask him because you think he will get scared about having "that talk" but if he runs because of that question then you don't want to be with him anyway. Since you're sleeping together you have a right to know what his intentions are and whether he is sleeping with anyone else or plans to. And I hope you're using protection because you should always watch out for yourself.

Last edited by Kszan; 11-07-2012 at 10:47 AM.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:14 AM   #9
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
it's not JUST the sex, he likes you too and of course if he never talked to you and just was around for sex, that would be too obvious, and he wouldn't get any! he's not stupid!
That makes complete sense! Hmm...how to handle this? I have been letting him make the decisions (sort of). I wonder if I need to step up to the plate, without actually saying, "you will be mine." sort of thing. That sounds creepy, but it's been this long, we have dated (a bit), and have had amazing sex. I wonder if I ask him out on a "date" instead of waiting for him, if that would be a way to push things along a bit. I was the one that kissed him first, After that, he was a little shy. If it is just sex, he will always be busy unless we are doing the deed, if he wants to go have dinner or drinks, maybe there is more there?

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:17 AM   #10
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

don't jump to conclusions......it could just mean he wants to have something to eat and drink before going home to do the deed......

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:33 AM   #11
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i've known guys like this, and i've felt the way you have. Trust me, I know pretty much exactly how you feel, and i was confused myself.....but i've learned something......IF a guy likes you and wants you to be his woman, he will make that CRYSTAL clear to you......he will not be deterred, he will not be afraid, he will make it his mission to make sure you understand.....
I don't see that with this guy, he's going along for the ride
He did that in the beginning. He constantly wanted me around. I was afraid, but then warmed up to the idea of having someone new. He has talked me through some hard times and I have become attached, so to speak. I really feel like he is afraid. We talked about his ex (mother of his child) and he told me that he felt like he should "**** or get off the pot" in marrying her. He wasn't ready, so he broke it off. This has been 4 years ago. I didn't ask about how many girlfriends he has had since then, but he was in a relationship when him and I first started talking again (we went to high school together and funny, we both crushed on each other without ever letting the other know). Years ago...

Him and I have friends in common, children the same age, political views, parenting methods...etc..so much in sinc...the list goes on.

Ugh...

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
don't jump to conclusions......it could just mean he wants to have something to eat and drink before going home to do the deed......
True...hard to tell. I really think we just need to have a talk. I don't know how to approach it. Something like, "I don't know where we are going, but I like what we have done so far." ?

I texted him last night, as I was cleaning out my old messages, emails, etc. and I had a whole bunch of our earlier communication. I told him that I wish I wasn't so shy in the beginning. He replied, I was just about ready to give up. I said, "I'm glad you didn't." No response.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-08-2012 at 01:28 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:55 PM   #12
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

Look, I don't want to disappoint you and I don't know for sure, but I'm not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about this guy.......
you can have that talk if you want, but I think it might make things awkward between you.....you might get your answer by observing and staying cautious a little longer.
I think he's happy the way it is, he has fun, he likes you and he doesn't have to get into anything too heavy......
I'm sorry, I feel for you, I've been there......

 
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:02 PM   #13
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Re: Is it just sex or is it actually a slow moving relationship?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
Look, I don't want to disappoint you and I don't know for sure, but I'm not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about this guy.......
you can have that talk if you want, but I think it might make things awkward between you.....you might get your answer by observing and staying cautious a little longer.
I think he's happy the way it is, he has fun, he likes you and he doesn't have to get into anything too heavy......
I'm sorry, I feel for you, I've been there......
Thanks! Maybe that's what it is. He doesn't want anything "real," but he wants the good feelings that go with it. You are right, it would just be awkward. All of a sudden he is taking a lot longer to text back or I get no reply. Tomorrow is our usual meet up time (as of lately). He worked odd hours last night (12-10 AM), so although I haven't heard from him, he's probably sleeping. I am not going to text him until after tomorrow night. If he doesn't follow up at all, I will tell him I am disappointed and leave it at that.

 
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