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Old 11-07-2012, 12:27 AM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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justnotsure5709 HB User
Was I really in the wrong?

Please read my biography as it will help to understand who I am.
Also sorry for such a long post but I feel all of this information is needed to fully understand so that you can help me out.

I have known this girl for 6 years and when I moved back home I started talking to her again. She was in a relationship already, but that soon ended. Two days after they broke up, we became official. I was not the cause of the breakup. They were having serious problems and they had nothing to do with me.

This girl has gone through hell and back in her home life. Her parents treated her badly, but they are the only family that either has anything to do with her or is in the country. Her dad is in bad health.

SO we got together, had a few tifs because of how I was acting which was only due to my past relationship. She nicely confronted me about the issue and we calmly talked about it. I did my very best to change whatever it was because it wasn't who I was, it was just how I was acting because of how I had been treated before. Things became absolutely wonderful after a few discussions and we both started really falling for each other.

She is a very reserved person and rarely shows her feelings, unless it is to her partner and even then she kind of beats around the bush at things.

I am having to start over since I moved back home and it has been difficult. I now live back with my mom who struggles financially due to health problems and my little brothers health problems.

I do not have a car and recently quit my job. I am able to use my moms car, but without money for gas, its difficult to go places. My girlfriend on the other hand is pretty financially stable. She has her own car and place and has a great job.

A little over a week ago we had an amazing night together and she confessed she was in love with me. I expressed the same feelings for her and we ended the night in heaven so to speak.

The next morning I woke up irritated for no reason, She had bought me breakfast and had it sitting on the bed next to me and I got upset about it. I was upset because she didnt wake me up when she got it and she got the wrong hot sauce.

I was then irritated by the fact that she was on her laptop and was completely ignoring me. When I asked her what she was doing she said nothing without looking at me and continued to do whatever she was doing on her laptop. She tends to not really answer questions and beat around the bush, this is a very well known fact about her, but it made me really mad. The morning progressed and i grew more irritated and more angry.

I knew I had no reason to be feeling this way. She had done nothing wrong and I was letting petty little things get to me when they never had before. She was hurt and ended up taking me home. We fought about it because she thought I was upset that morning.

This last week she has become very cold and I ended up acting like a beaten dog with its tail tucked. No matter what I did or said I felt I got griped at and that it was wrong so i quickly became distant.

This past thursday while she was taking her dad to the hospital, he had a stroke in the back of her car. She was really upset about it, but she doesnt show emotion very well at all. She doesnt even remember the last time she cried.

I show up to her house that evening and she was upset that I hadnt been there earlier. But when I asked her if I could come over early on that day she never responded. I felt like I should let her and her mom have time together and that I might be seen as a nuisance so thats why I showed up so late.

She wanted to go out to get her mind away from the situation and I told her before we headed out that I would be leaving early to go to bed because I had 3 interviews the next morning. Now I live about 15 minutes away from her in a different town and the town I live in was where the first interview was and she knew that.

I left about an hour before the bar closed and drove home. I messaged her to let her know I was home safe and sent some other sweet things to her. She got very hurt and mad that I hadnt brought my interview clothes with me and that I didnt go to her house to sleep. She said she needed me and that I left her to sleep alone.

I felt bad because I knew she had gone through a traumatic experience earlier that day and I didnt stay at her house to comfort her. But I originally hadnt thought about it really. I just knew I needed to go home since I needed clothes and because that first interview was very close to my house. I was very worried and nervous about the upcoming morning of interviews.

Needless to say, I grabbed my clothes and drove all the way back to her house for her to tell me to go home and that she didnt want me there. I obviously wasnt going to be there for her from the beginning so she didnt want me there now. She told me she wanted to break up. I was so upset I started hyperventilating and puking. She let me in her house and told me I had to sleep in the living room. There is no way I could sleep. I was so hurt because I tried to make it up to her and she didnt see it that way. (we did end up on the couch together, me holding her in our usual way. I am apparently the only things that calms her down and she needed it)

The next morning I did not go to that first interview. With the minimal sleep I got here and there, I knew there was no way I could look presentable to go to the interview.

After all my interviews were over, I went back to her house because I was super tired, and I really wanted to show her I do care and that Im there for her. We ended up in bed but she stopped me and basically told me she didnt have feelings for me anymore. Again I was devastated. I was trying. I was there. I tried to show her much she means to me and had all intentions on staying with he that night, but when she turned me down I was heartbroken.

So i told her I was going home. I went home for a little while then went back to the town she lives in to hang with a friend. We then went to the bar and then back to the friends house. I did not notify my girl I was back in her town and that I had gone out.

My girl had texted me early early that morning saying she went and got her dad out of the hospital and that some people that were in the same room as him had died. When I got home the next day around noon I called her but she didnt answer. So I messaged her and told her I might be able to catch a ride into her town with my sister. but my sister did not want to wait for me to get ready and left.

Well I knew in order to take the car again I was actually going to have to spend time with my mom since i had not been home alot lately and she had been asking me to fix her computer for a couple weeks and I kept blowing it off so I decided to finally do it. Plus my girl was being very short and rude to me through messages. So I felt she didnt really want me around or something. Or if she did she could have came and got me since she knew I was running very low on gas and have no money.

When my moms computer was finally fixed and I was about to let my girl know what I had been doing and that I was getting ready to come see her, she messaged me and blew a gasket. She even drove all the way to my house to break up with me to my face.

I decided to leave later that night to go hang with the above mentioned friend again. As i walk in my friends door, my girl calls me and asks if im home. I told her where I was and she was very upset that I had come into town but "didnt have the gas to come into town earlier to see her". Which was not the case. But she had refused to hear my side.

She shortly showed up to the friends house and I went out to talk to her. She had been at a party and ended up leaving because "all these girls were chasing" her and "all over" her and she couldnt stand it because the only person she wanted to touch her was "me".

Some of the girls from the party showed up to her house and wouldnt leave and she didnt want to go back there. She wanted to be with me she said. So we went over to my sisters house and went to sleep holding each other. She woke up told me she loved me and that i was the only person she wanted and asked if i would take her back. I ended up telling her that I felt she needed to be more open and understanding and considerate of what is also going on in my life and that my mom will always come first to me. She got pissy that I said this. But we decided to get back together.

Yes fixing my moms computer was not crucial but I was trying to make time for everyone.

We ended up going to that friends house later to hang out and my friend blabbed about me being with her friday night. I had not told my girl about this and she became very angry that i lied to her.

I dont feel i lied to her just that i hadnt told her yet since we were still not on good terms really.

She broke up with me again and became very hostile. I went home and with every mean, degrading and hurtful message she sent me my mom witnessed me break down over and over again. My mom finally interevened and told her that I truly do lovve her and that this needed to stop.

She got a reality check and apologized and ended up coming over that night. We talked about some things and came to a few mutual agreements. She admitted that the morning I woke up irritated for no reason really irked her wrong and she started losing feelings for me and became colder and colder.

I admitted I was lost on what to do or say because of how she had been acting and made mistakes on not being there for her when she really needed me the most.

We are trying to work through this, but she has made it known I broke her trust by lying or not telling her about going out friday night with my friend and that she couldnt trust me. But she does love me and wants to work things out and start over almost.

I want to work things out as well and learned my lesson on not telling her about going out.

But what I really want to know is

Was I in the wrong?
Did she overreact about the whole situation?
What should I do now?

Also she feels like it was common sense to be there for her, but I sometimes dont know what to do in situations and end up always doing the wrong thing. She is aware of this fact and I asked her if she could be my guiding hand because I at least deserve to be taught how to be in a real relationship. She helped at first and then things went sour.

Should I keep trying to work things out with her?

I still dont have a job and I can feel myself becoming very depressed due to my financial status now. When I am working I feel like I have a purpose and when I dont work I feel useless. With my self esteem issues that I already have, until I get a job I dont see my mood getting better.

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Last edited by Administrator; 05-28-2014 at 03:55 AM.

 
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:22 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Bragg, NC
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iona_23 HB User
Re: Was I really in the wrong?

First off....how long have you known this girl? You say you've known her for 6 years but if you known her why is there a yo-yo affect in your relationship??? Quality over quantity...that is very important. You can say you know your grandma all your life but do you really know her? What I do have to say is you have to fix YOU first. Take care of what you need to do to be a strong INDIVIDUAL. Only til you figure out what is going on in your life is when you can start sharing it with someone else. Your "gf" also seems wishy washy. She says she loves you, has no feelings for you, wants you back....just doesn't make sense. And how long of a time span did all this happen??? Also a 6 year span??? Love takes time to achieve. It's not something that you can turn on and off. If you love someone, it's there pretty much for a very long time.

It's pretty confusing how you want to get some advice but how much of it will you actually take?? I am a complete stranger to you so if I said "BREAK UP WITH HER AND MOVE ON" will you really take my advice? Probably not cause who am I right? What I do suggest though is what I said earlier and that is to take care of yourself FIRST. Find a job, fix your relationships at home, and take care of those who love and take care of you as well.

It comes down to this, if you want to deal with the issues at bay...and be miserable....that's your choice. Now if you want to fix you and be a better man for her, and vice versa....then that is the best route to take.

G'luck.

 
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Old 05-18-2014, 11:50 PM   #3
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Iamwhatiam HB User
Re: Was I really in the wrong?

Wow! That was crazy to read! I sort of have the same issue. Sometimes I find it good to look at my situation as if you were not in it, like you're helping a friend. What would you tell you're friend asking these questions?

I would have to agree iona in regards to the whole job thing. I know what it's like to financially unstable and it is one of the most depressing horrible things ever! Especially considering you are the man it must be even worse for you.

Now if you were feeling irritated because you woke up coming down or whatever you need to just communicate with her and tell her how you're feeling, that way she doesn't take it personally or make up her own reasons for why you are mad. This saved so much drama trust me!

I think what you guys are lacking is communication. She obviously needs you and is probably confused about her feelings because the whole love you don't love you thing is just screaming confusion. Maybe talk to her about both your feelings and tell her that when she gets mad you want her to speak to you truthfully not throw all kind of crap out there to tare you apart and leave you feeling horrible. If you both love each other despite the issue, because we all have them, you should not want to hurt each other when you're angry you guys should want to sort the problem out as soon as possible so you can go back to being the best together. Tackling the problems as they arise will save you both on gas trust me!

The guidance thing is good too but you don't want to use it as an excuse when situations come up because she'll get over it real quick. Just talk more, talk about everything! If you've known her for 6 years you should be able to talk about almost anything

I think it was a mixture of wrongdoings by you both. If her dad just died in her back seat and you're busy worrying about you're interviews the next day you need to think about how she would react to situations before you do things and she also needs to understand that you need to get a job. If you explained to her that you love her and you are just going to grab your clothes but you would have been back to hold her or whatever she can't fault you.

So yeah communicate more and give it some more time, if you love each other you should try to make it work because fighting for someone you love shows them just how much you really do care. Goodluck!!

 
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Old 05-19-2014, 06:20 AM   #4
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Re: Was I really in the wrong?

It sounds like you're gf has borderline personality disorder. Look it up, cause from your novel above, the shoe fits. That being said, she's way too much drama. I mean drama on a daily basis. Constant stress, constant arguing, and very little actual substantive relationship stuff. Why you keep insisting on getting back together with someone as completely flaky and mental as her is beyond comprehension. You do realize there are other girls or there who aren't completely mental like she is and who won't cause daily drama in your life, don't you? Why on earth would you keep going back for such a stressful relationship over and over again? Why do people keep choosing these drama queens and completely ignoring normal girls who have their act together? It makes no sense. You need to decide whether you want a calm and peaceful, respectful relationship or whether you're also so addicted to drama like she is and want that instead on a daily basis. I think it's ludicrous to keep living in such a daily drama filled relationship but whatever. It's your life.

 
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