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skyisgrey 11-13-2012 01:25 AM

Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
Hello, I am new here.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past three years. My relationship has been generally wonderful with him. We are each others' "first" and that's what make us too special to one another. I am 23 and he is 22.

Anyway, our relationship started to get shaky 2 months ago when he graduated from the university and started looking for jobs. Whenever he gets calls from potential employees, I die a little bit inside and become very resentful probably because of my personal issues.

I'm currently under a competitive scholarship from a prestigious graduate school and working as a research assistant in the same institution. In spite of this, I am still anxious of what I truly want to become in the future.

Anyway, a month ago, he accepted this job offer as a writer in a national magazine. I tried to be happy for him but I just couldn't. He writes, writes, and writes and whenever I see him sharing his articles elsewhere, I just become bitter probably because I've always wanted to be a good writer. I am dangerously envious of him.

The resentment and envy have fueled my insecurities in life to overdrive. I can't stay in a conversation with him about his job without plunging in a depressive state. There are times that I just give him the silent treatment and push him away in spite of all the things he has done for me.

I've shared my problems but not the part where I am envious of him. It just hits my pride too much to do that.

The relationship really falls on me. I can't appreciate myself because I am insecure of him. It is so unfair for him because whenever I get to achieve something, he becomes really proud of me. I've recently published opinion articles in newspapers and got a travel grant to different European universities for 2 weeks to present my ongoing research next year. He even gave me a "congratulations" cake to show how happy he is for me. I just couldn't imagine myself doing the same thing for him.

My resentment and jealousy are tearing us apart. I've been pushing him away for the past 2 months because of my personal insecurities. Whenever I see something that is related to his work or some friends praising him of how good he is, I just die inside. Whenever we are together and he does little things (like check his email for work or browse the website of the magazine he is working for), I just can't take it.

I know communication is key, but as of now, I can't share to him that I am envious of him because it would be a major slap on my pride and it would just make things worse.

I know the problem is me and I want to overcome this. I can't appreciate I myself too much that's why I can't appreciate him too. I want to overcome my personal issues. The way I've been treating him is just unfair. I've mentioned to him that I do not deserve him and even tried to give him space, but he said that he just couldn't go on without me. I feel the same way too. I just can't imagine life without him.

I just need some support right now. :(

rosequartz 11-13-2012 10:55 AM

re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
it sounds like you are lacking in confidence....you don't feel you deserve him or the cake for your accomplishments. He sounds like a really great guy. Try to be proud of him and what he's achieved and stop looking at this as a competition! You're partners, you're on the same team!
:angel:

Kszan 11-13-2012 11:53 AM

re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
I agree, you should be supporting each other and be happy for each other for your successes. He sounds like an awesome partner and youre very lucky to have someone like him in your life.

EagleRiverDee 11-13-2012 03:57 PM

re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
I think it's natural to feel envious when someone else is achieving success that you want to achieve for yourself, but if you want this relationship to work you're going to have to keep the envy down and instead encourage your partner and display your pride in him.

An example I will use is a technique I use to forgive people when they've hurt me. I'm religious, so I pray for them. And admittedly, at first it's hard to mean it. I mean, how do I mean that I want another person to be blessed, when I'm so upset with them? But after a while, thinking of the person in this manner makes me forgive them, because I can't hold a grudge against them AND wish them the best, right?

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. You don't have to pray. Just visualize each day the happiness and success you want your partner to have. You may not mean it entirely at first, but you will after a while. And it will force you to let go of your own resentment, because you will be consciously overriding your own resentment and you'll only be able to hold on to one or the other. Since you will be choosing to think positive thoughts for your partner, that will be the one that will win out.

As for yourself, you might try reading "The Strangest Secret" by Earl Nightingale. It's a short essay (he actually read it to his employees as a sort of speech) that explains why we become what we think. It can help you to succeed yourself, in the same way as your partner has.

And heck, you might even take a look at what has made your partner so successful, and try to emulate him.

Good luck!

noevr 11-13-2012 04:16 PM

re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
hi! so sorry you're going thru this its got to be tough. You've got a couple of big things going on there. Pretty stressful too. I was thinking, what about going to a counselor? I know it seems silly but it would be someone you could talk to about anything and get some feedback and they wouldn't be able to tell anyone.

I also know you have to think about your jobs and that suxors even having to consider it.

but maybe going to talk to someone would help, most certainly wouldn't hurt I don't think. (((HUGS)) Cathy

writeleft 11-13-2012 04:32 PM

re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
What is your biggest fear about his success? Are you afraid it will lead him away from you? It sounds as you could also be considered very successful in your own right, and at your age, well ahead of the game.

In order for you to be happy with yourself, you have to become your authentic self, and appreciate your unique and individual qualities. Allowing another person to suck so much of your life out of you in the form of resentment must be unbearable.

Sounds like one of those times we need to step back and see what we have (possibly from a distance), so we can embrace our good fortune.
Wishing you well...

skyisgrey 11-13-2012 06:47 PM

[QUOTE=rosequartz;5088240]it sounds like you are lacking in confidence....you don't feel you deserve him or the cake for your accomplishments. He sounds like a really great guy. Try to be proud of him and what he's achieved and stop looking at this as a competition! You're partners, you're on the same team!
:angel:[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]I agree, you should be supporting each other and be happy for each other for your successes. He sounds like an awesome partner and youre very lucky to have someone like him in your life.[/QUOTE]

Thank you rose and kazan.

I am aware that I am making this relationship as a competition and it really isn't helping. I've been imagining myself "being in a relationship" with other people I know and I do not seem to have any trace of resentment if ever I get to be with them. Why him only? It is just unfair.

I know I am lucky to have him. He expresses how lucky he is to have me as well and he never fails to show it. I just want to learn how to do the first step of appreciating him. :(

Thank you, Eagle.

I must say I am not a religious person but I will try to do some personal reflection that might help. I've been visualizing our happy moments together but whenever something comes up about his job, those negative thoughts just overcome the positive ones. :( I hate myself for that.

As a matter of fact, whenever he tries to talk about some of the down parts of his job, he keeps on mentioning that he admires me of what I do as a professional and "academic". He says that I am the one whom he emulates the most and sees me as a strong force to get his game going. To be honest, I was extremely touched when he said that but after a little while, my resentment still holds strong and pushes him away. :(

Thank you, Cathy.

Well, I've been thinking of going to the counselor here at the university and discuss my issues there but sometimes I get caught up with my writing and work, I sometimes feel I have no time to do such thing. Also, I am a bit anxious of talking to a professional counselor. Maybe I'm not yet ready for now.

I can't talk to anybody else. That's why I'm here to seek some comfort and support from you guys. Thank you so much again.

Thank you, writeleft.

I think you just nailed it. I am scared of his success because it might drive him away from me. Also, like I've felt, I feel jealous of him because he gets be published and gets publicity. I've always wanted to do that on a regular basis.

I actually think I can handle all these negative emotions if he were in a different job like the corporate world or development work, etc.

Thank you for your, comment. People I know actually consider me as a successful person who has a great future, may it be in writing, academia, or elsewhere. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but my resentment with my partner just blinds me to see the bigger picture. :(

noevr 11-13-2012 06:50 PM

Re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
Hi well that would be someone to consider. I understand though.

Just remember you are a great individual, please don't let what you do
Don't count. Be proud of your work, yourself and your life. Please take care
Of yourself, cathy

writeleft 11-14-2012 04:48 PM

Re: Resenting and Pushing Away My Boyfriend
 
You really appear to be a thoughtful and insightful person who has taken the time to read and respond to each of the comments you received. That was a very nice gesture.

I have a lot of faith that you can refuse this resentment, and replace it with contentment.


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