Hello, I am new here.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past three years. My relationship has been generally wonderful with him. We are each others' "first" and that's what make us too special to one another. I am 23 and he is 22.
Anyway, our relationship started to get shaky 2 months ago when he graduated from the university and started looking for jobs. Whenever he gets calls from potential employees, I die a little bit inside and become very resentful probably because of my personal issues.
I'm currently under a competitive scholarship from a prestigious graduate school and working as a research assistant in the same institution. In spite of this, I am still anxious of what I truly want to become in the future.
Anyway, a month ago, he accepted this job offer as a writer in a national magazine. I tried to be happy for him but I just couldn't. He writes, writes, and writes and whenever I see him sharing his articles elsewhere, I just become bitter probably because I've always wanted to be a good writer. I am dangerously envious of him.
The resentment and envy have fueled my insecurities in life to overdrive. I can't stay in a conversation with him about his job without plunging in a depressive state. There are times that I just give him the silent treatment and push him away in spite of all the things he has done for me.
I've shared my problems but not the part where I am envious of him. It just hits my pride too much to do that.
The relationship really falls on me. I can't appreciate myself because I am insecure of him. It is so unfair for him because whenever I get to achieve something, he becomes really proud of me. I've recently published opinion articles in newspapers and got a travel grant to different European universities for 2 weeks to present my ongoing research next year. He even gave me a "congratulations" cake to show how happy he is for me. I just couldn't imagine myself doing the same thing for him.
My resentment and jealousy are tearing us apart. I've been pushing him away for the past 2 months because of my personal insecurities. Whenever I see something that is related to his work or some friends praising him of how good he is, I just die inside. Whenever we are together and he does little things (like check his email for work or browse the website of the magazine he is working for), I just can't take it.
I know communication is key, but as of now, I can't share to him that I am envious of him because it would be a major slap on my pride and it would just make things worse.
I know the problem is me and I want to overcome this. I can't appreciate I myself too much that's why I can't appreciate him too. I want to overcome my personal issues. The way I've been treating him is just unfair. I've mentioned to him that I do not deserve him and even tried to give him space, but he said that he just couldn't go on without me. I feel the same way too. I just can't imagine life without him.
I just need some support right now.