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Old 11-13-2012, 08:09 AM   #1
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Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

I am staying in India.

My Wife was till now staying with her parents which is 1000 Miles away. My parents stay in another city 300 Miles away. Both of us are software engineers.

I was staying with her. As soon as we got married, I got a job and moved. She never stayed with me citing that she doesn't wants to give up her job. All this while she kept on persuading me to move back. In reality, she did not like my family members and felt that moving to will get her in close proximity to my parents, who live in adjacent city.

We spent one year staying alone and barely used to meet. The distance and rituals associated with new marriage in India made things from bad to worse. At the end of first year, the situation was close to divorce. She agreed to come for Anniversary. In the party after everything got over, she was sitting tired in one corner. My father approached her out of concern; and kissed her. By mistake the kiss landed on her lips and she made a big issue out of it. In India kissing on cheeks is still acceptable though kissing on lips is a big deal.

She went back to her original city. Swore that she will never come to my city and will NEVER EVER talk to my mum, dad, sis bro and classified everyone as unworthy family. She was clear that even if we have kids, she will not allow anyone in my family to ever see or touch them. It took me one year and multiple trips for her to convince her that she should stay with me and that we won't get my parents or bro or sis ever to my house . So finally after 2 years she agreed to join me under these stern conditions.

After 2 months of staying with me, she started to crib that she is not getting a good job. By the third month she had pressurized me so much that my city A is worthless because she couldn't find a job and that we should move back to her city B. She started to become increasingly irritated and was pushing me every day to drop my job and move back to city B. I asked her if she wants to take a break for 2-3 weeks and visit her parents in City B. She agreed and left for a 2-3 week trip.

I had not met my parents for these 4 months. In the meanwhile, they have been wanting to see the new house in which we shifted, and came for a day in her absence to my house. Somehow she came to know about it from the neighbors. Same day she called me up and fought big time why my parents came. In the fit of rage she broke my camera and smartphone which she was carrying and i ended up becoming poorer by a $1500 at least. And then she said she is not coming back at any cost. She found a job in her city B. I tried to find a job in city B fora few months but couldn't. After a few months, she filed for a divorce.

I think she has hyped her reaction a bit too much. I tried to convince her that even though my parents came for a day in her absence, it didn't harm her. And if she didn't like it, they won't come again. But she won't listen. As if she was in any case pressurizing me to leave my city; and got an excuse.

Now she tells me that i am a man with no balls; who couldn't keep his promise. I went over a few times to meet her and convince her that even if i did a mistake; to err is to human; and we should give a chance. But she wouldn't listen. She wanted me to move to her city, buy a flat a car and set up a house. Basically settle far away from my family. When i couldn't get a job in 2-3 months, she filed for a divorce.

She tells me that i am a woman in a man's body; someone who can't be trusted and is a weak person. My father called up her father to explain and apologize, but they won't listen. She has decided that she doesn't want to spend anytime with me. I just don't know what to do. Could someone suggest.

I have gone twice to help her and her parents convince; they dont listen. My parents have also talked on phone but no help. As a last resort, I am thinking of taking my parents to her house (where she stays with her parents) and beg to be together.

Last edited by Administrator; 11-14-2012 at 08:50 AM. Reason: Unnecessary info removed.

 
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:04 AM   #2
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

Hi, IT guy, I cant tell you exactly what to do, you must decide that on your own. You did say that there was trouble the first year. This is what I know, in my opinion & life experience. First, you cannot make someone love you. You can try to straighten out the misunderstanding. Do EVERYYHING that you can do, so if this ends with a divorce you know in your heart that you did all that you could to the point that you can say that to yourself and know that it is a true statement. Do this and you will not have regrets. Second, if she and her family will not cooperate to save this marriage, will they have regrets? Only God knows the heart, imho. This misunderstanding is just a symptom of a greater problem. I once heard that love and hate are very close to each other. Meaning that if she didnt love you why would she be so angry? Indifference?Thats what comes when someone is through. They would step over you if you needed CPR! But, sadly im familiar with people who judge and talking bad about someone actually unites them, like a sport! For years! Imho. Talk to her if she will let you. Do everything that you can, be
honest with yourself & with her. First, by examining your heart. Am i selfish? Am i a mommas boy? Did she try hard to find a job? Did you?
Etc. Then, ask those questions concerning her, in your heart, do you love her? Will you be able to give up everything she asks of you? What IS the real problem? Imo, she is very close to indifference. Because she can go a long time without seeing you & you have to beg? I tell my son, when a woman loves you she WANTS to be with you. Counceling was not mentioned. I have many friends from India, i know how they feel about therapy! Lol Imho, in good conscience do what you can & have to do,no regrets. Then, leave the rest to God or whatever you put your faith in.Do your best. Hope it works out for the best as well.

Last edited by hb-mod; 11-13-2012 at 09:14 AM.

 
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Old 11-13-2012, 12:47 PM   #3
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

yes your wife did hype up everything in my opinion. She's also being emotionally and verbally abusive to you. are you sure you want to hang onto this? I'd let her go, it seems you will never win. she works against you not with you, that's not a good partner

 
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Old 11-13-2012, 12:59 PM   #4
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

Was this an arranged marriage? If so, it's possible that she never wanted it in the first place so her game plan was to make it as unpleasant as possible for you so that divorce was the only option. Maybe there is someone else she already had in mind but due to your customs it can't happen with that other person so she is taking it out on you - even though it's not your fault.

In any case she sounds like a major head case and I would not keep pursuing her if I were you. She is not worth all of this drama for you. You should find someone who will want to be a part of your family, not keep running away from it.

 
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:18 PM   #5
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

It sounds as if she has been impossible to please, and it has been very hurtful to you and your family. Any woman who would be happy to keep you and eventual children from your family is not a person whom I would try and make a life for myself with. The whole reaction to your fathers accidental placement of his kiss was completely overblown.

She does not act like she wants this union to work, and you cannot do it by yourself. I am sorry you have gone through so much for this ungrateful seeming woman.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 01:30 PM   #6
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

Her reaction to the kiss seems to be out of proportion. To say your family is not worthy is not nice. It seems she doesn't respect your family, so you should leave her and get someone nice. If she determined that your family is not worth it, why continue this? In the end she may still hate that for the rest of her life. I learned from someone I know and sometimes the wife simply never forgave the husband's family's "faults" all her life...
I cannot really say who is right and wrong but she doesn't seem to be compatible with your family. I doubt that begging helps. At least she has to love you enough to go on.
Sorry that this happened.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 05:23 PM   #7
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Re: Father Kissed My Wife: Filed for Divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by gmak View Post
Hi, IT guy, I cant tell you exactly what to do, you must decide that on your own. You did say that there was trouble the first year. This is what I know, in my opinion & life experience. First, you cannot make someone love you. You can try to straighten out the misunderstanding. Do EVERYYHING that you can do, so if this ends with a divorce you know in your heart that you did all that you could to the point that you can say that to yourself and know that it is a true statement. Do this and you will not have regrets. Second, if she and her family will not cooperate to save this marriage, will they have regrets? Only God knows the heart, imho. This misunderstanding is just a symptom of a greater problem. I once heard that love and hate are very close to each other. Meaning that if she didnt love you why would she be so angry? Indifference?Thats what comes when someone is through. They would step over you if you needed CPR! But, sadly im familiar with people who judge and talking bad about someone actually unites them, like a sport! For years! Imho. Talk to her if she will let you. Do everything that you can, be
honest with yourself & with her. First, by examining your heart. Am i selfish? Am i a mommas boy? Did she try hard to find a job? Did you?
Etc. Then, ask those questions concerning her, in your heart, do you love her? Will you be able to give up everything she asks of you? What IS the real problem? Imo, she is very close to indifference. Because she can go a long time without seeing you & you have to beg? I tell my son, when a woman loves you she WANTS to be with you. Counceling was not mentioned. I have many friends from India, i know how they feel about therapy! Lol Imho, in good conscience do what you can & have to do,no regrets. Then, leave the rest to God or whatever you put your faith in.Do your best. Hope it works out for the best as well.

Hi ITguy, American advice is not relative to your situation. To my understanding, divorcing someone in India is something that follows you the rest of your life. Maybe you should explain that the families DO decide if the other family is worthy of marrying their daughter/son. Then you wouldnt keep getting advice of how rude it is to call someone's family unworthy. In India, calling another family unworthy and the fact that your wife didnt accompany you to new location are not unusual, and that the girl many,many times has real trouble leaving her family. The " our 4 and no more" is not how families are in India and its normal for the couple to have a house not far from her parents or to yours. And actually living with the family happens. Giving up living by your family is unusual. And that kids live with parents, grandparents, aunts,uncles UNTIL marriage, no matter what the age.A few details like this are needed. In America, living together, divorce, no family unity as far as dwelling together is the norm, and divorcing for reasons like irreconcilable differences because "we fight too much" doesnt exist there. Saving face MUST be done. By calling the other family unworthy is necessary to justify the reason for the divorce and to protect their child from being blamed.Unless you slay the other family with fault and excuses like they tricked us, they presented him/her
as one way but they lied, he/she is really blank a (cheat, liar, thief, or took advantage of their child, mistreated the other spouse, abandoned them or were abusive)its necessary or no one will want to marry him or her in the
future. If you want the wedding,etc.if/when you find some else. And it still
may not happen. You must buy or they are given by the families gifts,
homes, jewelry, etc.essentially like a dowry. Its expected.
It is not like USA @ all. So the help/ advice you get will be given from a
better place of understanding, imho, if you give more cultural information.

Last edited by gmak; 11-15-2012 at 10:15 PM. Reason: rewording

 
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