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Old 11-13-2012, 09:37 AM   #1
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Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

Am I crazy or does my mom sound a bit selfish?

I have a 15 month old and 8 week old. Whenever I'm around my mother and I ask her for help, she usually makes a "ugh, fine" face, or she says things like "Come on, you can do it!". Basically anytime I ask for a quick help with the kids, like to change my son's Diaper while I'm nursing my younger son, she always hints in some way that she doesn't want to do it, and that I should be doing it. Everytime it happens I'm quite shocked.

She just stayed at my place for a week to help with the kids while my husbad was away for work. She came home to my house in the evenings, and honestly it was a waste of time and just made me feel worse. Life has been really stressful and busy for us, so getting my mom to help in the evenings was really needed. Every night she came home she would grab wine to drink right away, and I would have to tell her to do stuff (like feed my son while I nursed). The whole idea was to give me a break from the kids when she got home, like my husband does for me. She knew this ahead of time. She never once said "What can I do for you?" or "I'll take care of the kids for a bit if you want to do xxxx". And if I asked her to do something (very politely), she always made me feel guilty. ,

I thought you're supposed to ask for help from your family when you have a baby and NOT feel guilty!?!?

I have said things back to her like "Mom, you're making me feel guilty" and she would just have some kind of a comeback like "Well I did it once, you can do it" or "I didn't get any help when I had my kids". I thought you're supposed to give your kids a better life than yours?? I sure will be.

I'm a very responsible good daughter. I'm a very positive energetic person, so I don't think I'm doing anything wrong? I'm so confused by all this and wonder if I'm doing something wrong? My mother in law is great though, she loves watching our kids and really plays with them, and always asks to help me when I'm around her.

Any advice? Does my mother sound selfish? Should I just forget about her and keep distance from her? She's a very defensive women and anytime I try to 'talk' to her, she always blames me and is very manipulative. I honestly don't feel good around her, maybe the first 5 minutes and then after that she says something that makes me feel like a horrible person.

 
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:34 AM   #2
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Re: Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

Your mom does not have to do anything at all to help you.
She has already raised her kids.

Maybe her idea of spending time with her grandkids is being able to do fun grandma things, not being used as a free caretaker.

I'm sure it is difficult having two children so close together but none of that is your mom's problem. Sure you can ask her to change a diaper or something but don't be upset if she says no, because it's not her responsibility.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-15-2012 at 07:09 AM. Reason: Unnecessary comment removed.

 
Old 11-14-2012, 08:00 AM   #3
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Re: Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

Some people are good at helping out, others not so much. Your mother is who she is, and I also feel that she maybe resents being given jobs to do when she visits. My mother was the same, but it was a point of pride with me to "cope well" and I would not have asked her to change my babies if I was there it do it. I know what she would have said! That is not a grandma function. My daughter and daughter-in-law never asked that either, and I only did that stuff if I was babysitting, or if they were sick (my DIL broke her arm and both grandmas weighed in to help). Sera

 
Old 11-14-2012, 01:26 PM   #4
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Re: Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

standupgal - We must have different opinions on Mothers. Do you even have kids? I never use my mother a free caretaker. The whole point of her staying with us for a week was to HELP OUT, and give her a daughter a break in the evenings. And she agreed to stay the week. Everyone I know helps out and offers help to a Mother if she's busy, especially if she's nursing and her other child needs to be changed. My mother should have done something like that no problem, especially when she has done it other times on her own babysitting. It was quite rude of her. I think she's actually bitter herself and just wants to drink all the time cause she has some personal issues going on. I think you may think I'm some teen who takes advantage of her mother, lol, which is completely the opposite. You also sound a bit bitter yourself, so I wonder if you have your own issues with your mother or your daughter.

Anyway, I learned that I'm just going to keep my distance. You should only surround yourself with good people, that make you feel good. We'll just get our mother in law to babysit moving forward, cause obviously she's not the type to really help out, or want to help her daughter.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 06:21 AM   #5
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Re: Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

I'm typing as i hold my 2 week old. i really feel for you and find your mother to be childish and selfish. do you have a mil? can she help, instead? i would not ask your mother over and perhaps ask someone else.
i had family here last weekend and when the baby pooped, i had 3 women in my family all fighting to change her. they were a tremendous help. i also have a 6 year old and my mom comes about once a week to watch the baby so i can do stuff with my son. she would come as much as i asked her.

i am sorry your mom isn't helping. what a shame she doesn't want to be there for her own daughter.
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Old 11-15-2012, 02:25 PM   #6
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Re: Mother makes me feel guilty when I ask for help with the kids?

I agree with Kelly. I'm a daughter, mother and grandmother. My mother was always very helpful, jumping in and doing whatever needed to be doing and if I had asked her to live with me for a week to help out, she'd have done whatever needed to be done, including cooking meals, cleaning up, etc. I'd have felt like a visitor in my own house!

I lived with my daughter after her son was born for a few months. I did not hesitate to do whatever was needed, while being sure to let my daughter be the mother. Being a full-time mother is exhausting and even a few minutes to take a bubble bath or do something without having to care for the kids is priceless.

Don't push your mother totally away, but learn what you can rely on her for. You've learned that she doesn't want to take on the role of what she seems to consider caretaking, so use someone else when you need help. If she is willing to babysit now and then, let her. Grandparents are valuable for kids, and you want to limit strife among families as much as you can.

 
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