Join Date: Nov 2012
My long and strange story of anxiety, and my odd feelings.
I know my story is long, but I really do not know where else to go. I'd just like some insight, I suppose. Please - read all of it, if you have the time.
So, about four weeks ago I found a Twitter belonging to my girlfriend; I had no idea she had one but it wasn't too much of a big deal to me, just confused. I had seen a couple of posts (most of them dated from points when we had gotten into arguments) about me that were somewhat nasty; insulting, mocking, etc. even something along the lines of 'ha, cried like a b****' about one point when I cried over feeling bad about acting like an *******; I've had temper issues and have acted unnecessarily possessive and aggressive in the past and have since started to work on this issue.
That same day, I saw her later on in person and we discussed the issue; she broke out crying, yelling about messing up, etc. and I told her that although it hurt me (and that this won't happen again) and angered me, I was willing to work through it with her because I love this girl, very much; it's..very big, to me. We agreed to work through it and admitted the immaturity of our actions over the past; we agreed to work on both our issues and for it to never happen again on either end, considering I was also part of all this to begin with.
Aside from all of this, we've had a magnificent relationship; 20 months, now, and it's been..no words, really. It's the first time in my life I've felt truly dedicated to someone, and I trust her with my life(even after what happened. It took a shake, but I trust her with my life.).
Later on that day - we tried to have sex and I'm guessing me being so stressed or tired made it so I couldn't keep it up. We've always had a GREAT sex life, often having sex twice a day when we saw each other which is often every other day. I ended up getting anxious over this inability and it made things even worse; over the next three days, I encountered repeated failures due to my performance anxiety being so intense. Angered the Hell out of me, because I wanted to please her.
As the week progressed, by Saturday when I saw her, I was having breakdowns; these new thoughts and feelings were coming in where I felt disconnected from her and was questioning my love for her. It first manifested as whether or not I was still sexually attracted to her, but lol, that ones' silly. I started having breakdowns around her and left; went home, and started to talk to a therapist. I took a week off from her, that next week, that is, and the next Saturday when I saw her..it was amazing.
Great sex, I felt close and couldn't let her go..like I hadn't seen her in eternity..over the week, everything was great; my problem was, however, I'd still overanticipate sexual intimacy in my brain and this led to some anxiety in the next week. Not questioning my feelings, etc. as all that had gone away when I first saw her again. Just overanticipating everything regarding sex and it created anxiety.
The next week after that, last week, the..detachment, and disconnection had returned; I can still have wonderful sex with her, and I definitely do not doubt my sexual attraction to her but I feel..detached from her when I'm around her, like something isn't there inside but it stresses the Hell out of me thinking about it, so much I get depersonalized. It also doesn't make sense to me because there's been days over the past two weeks where when she's left, I missed her so badly I cried.
I want a future with her. She's literally the most amazing thing in the world to me, and I have been through 'young love' and all of that; this is the girl I want to settle down with, and have my future with altogether. I can honestly say that, with no anxiety, or fears, or anything; this is the girl that I want my future with. She was understanding throughout all of my performance problems, etc. and is being understanding with me now. She doesn't know I'm having these doubts, of course; my therapist does, and I've been taking Zoloft for about 3-4 weeks now, although not at his recommendation - another doctor, rather.
He tells me it isn't my feelings, rather, but that I think subconsciously I don't measure up to her standards; I'm perceiving the external rather than the internal and have lost touch. This seems sensible to me, being that these questions have only ever stemmed from performance anxiety. I've never doubted my love for her before. I haven't had breakdowns in three weeks, but I remember how they were when I first started having these doubts; the mere thought of these doubts being true makes me sick to my stomach because I just..KNOW they aren't, it doesn't make any sense to me from any rational perspective. I cannot logically give reasons as to why, but I can give tons of reasons as to why I love her. I can think about her and miss her. I can think about the great times we've had across the past and just..love it, so much, but then feel bad because I feel disconnected now.
I've never questioned my feelings for her before; I am 18 years old, so I'm young and I know I've my whole life ahead of me, but right now this is a big deal to me because I'm in the stage of where I am securing my future..and I want her to be part of that, more than anything. All of this literally drives me insane. Is the zoloft making this worse? Is it a possibility? It's even sillier to me that all of this stems from sexual performance anxiety.
My mother has said maybe this is me graduating onto a new stage in our relationship; my therapist has said this seems to be a type of phase in my life that I will get through eventually. Like I said - there's times and moments where I don't feel disconnected/detached from her at all, and there's times and moments when I miss her so badly I want to cry.
None of this..makes any sense, at all.
Thank you. By the way, that account she had is gone; she had deleted it on the day I told her I had found it, three-four weeks ago. In front of me, to reassure me; I told her she didn't have to, but she insisted out of fairness. Told me this would never happen again, and I trust her when she says that.
Last edited by Confusi0n; 11-16-2012 at 08:35 AM.