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Old 11-16-2012, 08:54 PM   #1
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how to cope with my mother

I am an adult and have never got on with my mother. She has always been extremely strict and verballly abusive towards me. She is now old and in a home and i do not see her very much because of the time and distance. She still tries to manipulate and verbally abuse me. I do not communicate with her much about my life. But when she wants me to do something she will not stop until she has had her way. The latest account is about some hair products that she wanted me to buy because she thought they would be good for me to use. I use my own products as advised by the hair salon. my mother did not like this and said what I was using was no good etc. She called me on the phone to ask if I had bought the products she wanted me to use. I said no but I would (I only said that to keep peace). I did say I was using the other products recommended by the salon and my mother did not like it and said the salon was no good because they did not use the products she was telling me to get. My mother does not like me to have a mind of my own yet I am an adult not a child. My mother has no friends and cannot make friends and very lonely, bitter and argumentative. She has no hobbies so directs all her energy on me which sometimes drains me.

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 10:50 PM   #2
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Re: how to cope with my mother

Why let her bother you so much? I know these responses die hard, but she cannot hurt you in any way whatsoever now. Just agree with her that you have the hair stuff and it is really good. You do not have to account to her any more. She will nag you whatever you do, so it is up to you to change the way that you react to it. There doesn't need to be any confronting, just nod, smile, agree, and then go your own way. Sera

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 04:23 AM   #3
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Re: how to cope with my mother

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Why let her bother you so much? I know these responses die hard, but she cannot hurt you in any way whatsoever now. Just agree with her that you have the hair stuff and it is really good. You do not have to account to her any more. She will nag you whatever you do, so it is up to you to change the way that you react to it. There doesn't need to be any confronting, just nod, smile, agree, and then go your own way. Sera
You are right in a way but I feel bad lying to her. Why pretend that I have the hair stuff she wants me to have just to avoid an argument? That is acting like a coward. I should be able to stand up for myself and say no I do not want your products I want what I want. I will gain more respect in the end for not allowing someone to manipulate me into doing what they want.

 
Old 11-17-2012, 09:50 AM   #4
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Re: how to cope with my mother

I think it is too late in your mother's life to think that she will suddenly respect your boundaries. You are not hurting her by not buying into her manipulation. Remember her control freakery is all about her, and it will make no difference to her life whether you obey her or not. You will not change her, and why not fib about these things - it could be considered a kindness to let her think that she still has input into your life. Why subject her and you to conflict after all this time when it is such minor issues? It is not like you have to live with her, it is no skin off your nose to let her "get away with it". Sera

 
Old 11-17-2012, 11:36 AM   #5
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Re: how to cope with my mother

I guess so. It is also sad that I am even thinking about this. I should be putting it out of my mind and getting on with my own life.

Last edited by hb-mod; 11-18-2012 at 01:45 PM.

 
Old 11-17-2012, 09:49 PM   #6
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Re: how to cope with my mother

I agree, it is time to pick your battles with her, and since you will never "win" going along with her is the best bet. It sounds as if she really needs to think you are best off with her direction, and is that really so bad?

We all want to feel needed and important to someone. After just losing my mother, I would encourage you to make every encounter with her from now on to be as loving and stress free as possible. Acceptance is so sweet.

While you cannot go back and change your lifetime of memories with your mother, you can provide both of you with peace from here on. Perhaps allowing her to think you respect her suggestions will change her attitude with you, and leave both of you with new feelings about each other. Time is just so precious, and once your mother is gone, she is gone.

Perfect time to begin the forgiving, as once she is gone it is too late for both of you. You certainly do not want your last gestures toward your mother to be based on hair products.

 
Old 11-18-2012, 11:04 AM   #7
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Re: how to cope with my mother

I forgive her but I do not like her. I feel sorry for her. She has no friends and is very isolated and alone. She cannot meet anybody half way and nobody is good enough for her. I try my best but it is never good enough.

Last edited by hb-mod; 11-18-2012 at 01:45 PM.

 
Old 11-18-2012, 11:06 AM   #8
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Re: how to cope with my mother

She has nothing I want.

Last edited by hb-mod; 11-18-2012 at 01:46 PM.

 
Old 11-18-2012, 12:08 PM   #9
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Re: how to cope with my mother

While she has nothing you want, you have something she wants very badly.

Only you know how much you have left to give to her. I am sorry you are going through this.

 
Old 11-18-2012, 01:32 PM   #10
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Re: how to cope with my mother

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While she has nothing you want, you have something she wants very badly.

Only you know how much you have left to give to her. I am sorry you are going through this.
You do not need to be sorry. I am very far away from her and it is totally impractical to do much for her. I phone her and ask her how she is and how her day has been and tell her something of my life but she shows little or no interest so I have stopped telling her. She does nothing in her life so what is there for us to discuss? I feel sorry for her but I have my own life with my own interests and friends and if my own mother cannot make an effort to make friends with people and have a reasonable life, then she only has herself to blame. I cannot make friends for her. She has to look at herself and consider why she has no friends. She is very standoffish and I have witnessed that when I have visited her in her care home. She takes no part in any of the activities, even simple things like sitting in the lounge with the other residents having a laugh. She doesn't like any of them so she just sits in her bedroom on her own. I cannot help her unless she is willing to help herself and she is too old for that now. She will never change and I have come to realise that so I just get on with my own life and do my duty by speaking to her on the phone but we have little or nothing to talk about really because she is as she is.... maybe that is what other people see in her so they do not want to be friends with her because she has tried different clubs and left every one of them because she says nobody befriends me so there is no point in continuing. There must be a reason why nobody warms to her and I am not about to waste any more energy trying to work her out. I have a very busy life of my own to lead. It is not due to her age either because my father was never like that. He was willing to be friends with anyone regardless of their social background etc but my mother is different and a snob who thinks she is superior to most people she meets and so that is why nobody is good enough for her to make friends with.

 
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