I am afraid this will be quite lengthy but I could write a book on this.
My SIL is very obsessive about the following...religion,end of the world,politics,guns, oh my I could go on..He is also a hoarder. He collects tires,guns and junk cars.he must have close to 40 tires throughout the apartment. And he and my Daughter are so poor. They have no tv,internet anything.My daughter hints that they can't afford clothing for the 2 small grandchildren so I buy most of the clothing.I had just bought my grandaughter a snowsuit so she could go outside to play in the cold weather. and he shows up with a rifle he just bought and was so proud of.So I got mad and told Daughter how upset I was and of course I am the bad guy.My problem....I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I say little things like, doesn't the landlord get mad about all the tires in her shed or doesn't she get mad about the junk cars in the driveway. Or he bought another gun?? He talks so rude to my Daughter and leaves her alone for 12 hours a day while he is off doing whatever he does. But now my Daughter is not speaking to me. HOW DO I LEARN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT and stop worrying about this situation so much?
The following user gives a hug of support to maineiac: slenderella (11-17-2012)
This is very similar to what a friend of mine is going through right now. Her daughter got involved with and less than a year later married an ex-convict with a history of drug addiction. From what I understand, her daughter has told her that her now husband has been arrested for drugs again, while on parole mind you, and has been thrown back in prison for an undetermined amount of time. Just like your daughter won't listen to reason from you when it comes to her bad choices, my friend is struggling with how to make her daughter get away from this guy.
What I have learned from seeing what my friend is going through is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You are no doubt giving her the best advice which is true and real and most likely the best possible solutions to her problems. But because she is in this way too deep, she won't make changes and you may end up seeing her situation keep deteriorating. I know it's so hard to just stand by and watch it happen but the fact is, she won't take action because she is rooted in her situation and the only way for her to get out is if she wants it. When she makes the decision on her own that this is not the kind of life she wants for her and her kids, then she will come crawling back to you for help. Unfortunately she will need to hit rock bottom first before she gets to that point. Until then all you can do is try to be encouraging in a loving manner toward getting her out of this without being too obvious. I'm not sure what that looks like but when you're in the moment, try to be as subtle as possible with your words. It might eventually sink in.
Last edited by Kszan; 11-17-2012 at 08:07 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: slenderella (11-17-2012)
I would let your daughter know that you are there for her or your grandchildren if she needs you, and leave it at that. Keeping the communication open with your daughter is the best way to handle this. She is after all married to this guy, and has made the choice to live with him and all his baggage.
Some lessons are only learned the hard way, and when she gets enough, she will take some action. Until that time, the best you can do is not further alienate her by stepping in where you are not invited. It is really hare to watch our adult children make mistakes we feel we can spare them from, but in the end, we cannot save them from themselves.
Assure her that you are not there to boss her, but instead as a warm place to fall when she needs you. Keeping the big picture in your mind is the best way toward long term success in your relationship with your daughter.