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Old 11-17-2012, 09:59 AM   #1
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Advice on an argument.

Hi all,

(thanks for reading in advance)
I've come here to get some outside perspective on an argument myself an my bf had. We are together 2 years and do not fight. We do however have these blow ups every couple of months and they usually go along the same pattern of my bf sulking, shuting down and not talking. However I want an outside view on the argument.

A few weeks ago we went to a comedy night because I wanted to see a certain comedian. We had a great night but unfortunetly the comedian I wanted to see didn't show. the MC apologised and said he'd put both our names on the guestlist for his next appearance. Fast forward to Sunday and I spoke to my bf about this and he agreed to email them to remind them. I did and the names were confirmed. Fast forward to wednesday and I txt my bf asking about still going that night. He again agreed. That night i asked him several times did he still want to go. I asked again because I knew by his mood that he didn't want to go. Finally he told me he didn't want to go. I was disappointment and expressed that which I feel I was allowed to do. I was allowed to feel this having waited weeks and confirming our name. He said he wanted to stay in and then commented "go home, I dont give a ******". ( we were in his apartment). I immediately said excuse me because of what he said. This of course started his sulking, which is a current issue in our relationship and which causes most of our couple of month arguments.

He sat on his computer with his earphone on for 2 hours ignoring me.Why because I stood up for myself. I went into bed to give him space and read my book. thinking he'd follow me in, we'd talk and that be it. But no it was much worse.

At about half 11 ish he turned off the computer, tv and lights and decided the to sleep on the couch. this really angered me. Firstly sleeping on the couch over WHAT cos he was still sulking and second this was HIS apartment and HIS bed and I found it just not right that he decided to sleep on the couch. I went in and confronted him like I ALWAYS have to do otherwise our arguments would never be resolved. He shuts down. I said to him what are you doing sleeping on the couch. He said he wasn't. I said your laying on the couch in the dark with a blanket over you of course you are. I told him it was his apartment and his bed and to go and sleep in it. This is when he said " emma go and ****** off" So i was like no no no you did not just say that to me. I told him NOT to speak to me like that. I again told him to go to bed. Maybe I should have left him but come on, i was just like its ur bed and WHY are you sulking. So i said that I would sleep on the couch and he could sleep in his own bed. He got up and went to the bathroom.

When he came back he began grabbing me and trying to push me back into the bedroom and this is when I began to get upset. I thought he was going to follow me but he switched off all the lights and got back to bed. So I got up again and went into him and said what on earth are you doing seriously. Just go to bed. This is ridiculous. I sat down on the chair and said I was sitting here tilll he went inside. He said well then you better call your dad to come get you. With this he stood up and just stared at me for about 10 seconds. I felt VERY intimidated and nervous and honestly did not know what he was thinking at that time.

He eventually said come on then lets play all happy and I siad no not lets play all happy but lets not be ridiculous. He got into bed and said well tomorrows going to be fun. I asked what he meant by that and he repeated again that tomorrow was going to be fun. the next morning (thursday) he got out of bed for work and left and i've not heard from him since.

So i need some advice
1) anywhere in my explanation was I in the wrong or have something to apologise for. I feel maybe i should have just left him but I felt so uncomfortable him sleeping on the couch in his own apartment and plus i felt his reason's for sleeping there were silly and he was sulking.
2) as i sid before I am always the one to contact him after something like this and apologise but this time I feel like i shouldn't have to. He spoke to me in a way i don't agree with, sulked for no reason and treated me horrible.
3) I know that he's not contacting me because he feels that i was the one in the wrong.. But i'm becoming impatient now and want to sort this but want him to do it.
SHOULD i CONTACT HIM.

again I want to say that we dont argue and have a very good relationship apart from these sulking episodes every few months.

thanks for reading
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Last edited by emma j; 11-17-2012 at 10:00 AM.

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 01:47 PM   #2
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Re: Advice on an argument.

emma, I have to say that this guy sounds like he is more trouble than he's worth. I remember your previous post and it sounds like this is a pattern for him. A really unhealthy pattern of not being able to have an adult argument within a relationship. The problem here is that no one can give you any advice about how to change his behavior because that's something he has to do on his own but judging by how he is, that's never going to happen. The only thing you can do is change how you react to his behavior. If it were me I would tell him straight up that his immature method of handing arguments is lame and that if he wants to act like a sulky child then you're just going to go home and he can call you after he puts on his big boy pants. This isn't kindergarten. This is real life and if he doesn't learn how to have a proper mature discussion about things that are bothering him then that's a serious problem. I don't know what else to tell you. But I've been there, I had an ex like this and that's a big reason why he is an ex. I couldn't stand it anymore cause it was like dating a five year old. He is married now with two kids and I feel bad for his wife who has to put up with that nonsense for the rest of her life.

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 01:56 PM   #3
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Hi,
thanks so much for your reply. Been waiting ages for someone to answer!!

I'm not to sure what my previous thread was based on but i'lll have to go look. Yes this is a pattern for him. It happens every few months when he just goes completely into himself and shuts down. If it was over something substantial or even worth sulking over then fine. But its soooo trivial.

I have spoken to him about this and he has noted that he does shut down and i've said to him he needs to talk to me. But seems like this goes in one ear and out the other.


I guess the advice i'm looking for is should I hold out contacting him. I feel he needs to make the first move and apoligise hence why i wanted to see was i at fault in any of this.

You said "If it were me I would tell him straight up that his immature method of handing arguments is lame and that if he wants to act like a sulky child then you're just going to go home and he can call you after he puts on his big boy pants" - do you think thats something I should txt him now or when we finally contact each other.

My previous bf was bi polar and i had my fair share of childish behaviour, i won't go through it again.
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Old 11-17-2012, 04:23 PM   #4
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Re: Advice on an argument.

I think if you ever hear from him again, then you tell him. otherwise, I think he's a write off. If you made any mistake in this scenario, it was not finding someone else to go see the comedian with. Because that's what I would have done. I'd have said: it's fine if you don't feel like going out. But I really like this person, I've waited to see him, so I'm calling Susie/Mary/Carole to see if she would like to go. I'll call you in the AM and let you know how the show was. Love ya!

And that would have been it. You're grown. You can do things on your own. If that's not allowed, then he needs to take the next train out...

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 04:30 PM   #5
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Hi. Thanks for your reply.

I agree I should have done that. Unortunetly when he agreed to go that afternoon I then made my way to his apartment and was staying the night there. It was an hour an a half before we were due to leave that he changed his mind.

I will hear from him but what he'll say I've no idea.
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Old 11-17-2012, 06:54 PM   #6
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Life is too short to walk on eggshells around some immature sulker. I agree you should have just gone to see the comedian. That is where you can make changes - in how you deal with his tantrums. Think back hard and I bet you will find that this stuff happens when you ask something of him, and not when he is doing the planning. Been there, done that...Sera

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:50 PM   #7
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Re: Advice on an argument.

I'm just curious, how old are you two and how much time do you have invested in the relationship. I'm guessing at least he is very young and very immature, not sure about you. It doesn't sound like he's developed any adult social and relationship skills, which usually get tuned up in one's twenties. If not, there's usually something in play stalling the development. Could be drug use or mental issues but it's probably something. If you don't have too much time with him and you can deal with the ramifications of standing your ground, I'd certainly do it. I'd go one step further and lay down the law. Let him know that this type of behavior either stops or I need to leave to keep my sanity and my pursuit of happiness. In other words, you're holding me back. I honestly don't know how you can continue to deal with this immaturity every month or two. It's got to be getting old. I say, let him know you are fed up and it's not going to continue. Then the balls in his court. Good Luck!

 
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Old 11-18-2012, 12:36 AM   #8
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Re: Advice on an argument.

It sounds like it all started with him not wanting to go the comedy club. When he did not confirm by the day before, I would have found someone else to go with. While the whole thing is a bit confusing, I would say the ball is in his court about when you two talk again. When he has something to say, I am sure he will say it. I would make myself busy with things so you do not sit around waiting for him to call in case it takes him a while to do so. Healthy relationships require great communication, and that cannot be done by only one party.

Being right is not always what is important, it is more about teaching people how to treat you. If you dont like his technique of solving disputes, do not accept it, and he will have to find a new way that works for both of you. If that does not happen, you will likely continue to go around and around like this every few months.

 
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Old 11-18-2012, 02:36 AM   #9
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
Life is too short to walk on eggshells around some immature sulker. I agree you should have just gone to see the comedian. That is where you can make changes - in how you deal with his tantrums. Think back hard and I bet you will find that this stuff happens when you ask something of him, and not when he is doing the planning. Been there, done that...Sera
thanks for your reply seraph...

I dont walk on eggshells around him. This is something that I have brought up previously. We have both agreed that he shut down and i've told him he needs to talk to me.

I haven't contacted him yet and this is now day 4 which is making me worried. I would usually have given in by now and txted him.

As for going to see the comdian with someone else I said in another post that he had confirmed that day, I was already in his apartment and he decided an hour an a half to not go..

You said that this is where I make chanages in how i deal with his tanturms well i'm hoping that by not contacting him that will work.. i'll admit i am getting nervous now because i don't want to end things like this and over this.
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Old 11-18-2012, 02:40 AM   #10
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoopee View Post
I'm just curious, how old are you two and how much time do you have invested in the relationship. I'm guessing at least he is very young and very immature, not sure about you. It doesn't sound like he's developed any adult social and relationship skills, which usually get tuned up in one's twenties. If not, there's usually something in play stalling the development. Could be drug use or mental issues but it's probably something. If you don't have too much time with him and you can deal with the ramifications of standing your ground, I'd certainly do it. I'd go one step further and lay down the law. Let him know that this type of behavior either stops or I need to leave to keep my sanity and my pursuit of happiness. In other words, you're holding me back. I honestly don't know how you can continue to deal with this immaturity every month or two. It's got to be getting old. I say, let him know you are fed up and it's not going to continue. Then the balls in his court. Good Luck!
Hi Whoopee, thanks for your reply.

We are both in our late 20's and have been together for 2 years now. there is no drug use or mental health issues. this is just a guy who is now in his longest relationship and does not express his feelings or emotions during an argument. I am his longest relationship.

I guess the reason i continue to deal with it is becauase its every couple of months, in between that we don't argue and he's very very good to me. But when he throws his toys our of the pram like this its so infuriating.

I agree the balls are in his court.
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Old 11-18-2012, 02:46 AM   #11
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Re: Advice on an argument.

Yes it did all start when i ask him to at least start getting ready to go and he said he didn't want to. But really the sulking starting when he said <was vulgar>. I said to him "excuse me, don't talk to me like that" thats when he sulked for 2 hours.

I am trying to keep myself busy but i am currently in the middle of work placement and something like this is likely to impact on my work. something like this happened during my last placement and I spoke to him a few weeks ago and said that I didn't want a repeat of what happened because its not fair on me to be dealing with this while on placement. I said that i would not be staying over too much because again i didn't want a repeat. He reasurred me all was fine to stay over as much as I like.. Well i feel thats backfired.

For me its not about being right its about him coming to me an apoligising for his behaviour and then talking about it. But I kknow him and the reason he's not contacted me is because he believes i'm in the wrong and is angry and waiting for me to contact him. I guess he'll be waiting.

I've put 2 years into this and for 99.9999% of the time have an amazing relationship. My family love him and he can't do enough for me but i won't no matter how good he is to me iwon't put up with this.
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Last edited by Administrator; 11-18-2012 at 09:59 PM. Reason: removed vulgar language

 
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