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Old 11-19-2012, 11:03 AM   #1
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SHould I forgive him or leave him?

Last night, in middle of an argument about money (we went out with friends who didn't pay their fair share and he got very upset about it in front of everyone so I told him how much this upset me when we got home, saying it wasn't a big deal that they didn't pay and it escalated from there). I told him I don't trust him because he often says things that hurt me, and his response to me was, and I quote:

"If it wasn't for me your a-s-s would be out on the street."

I told him how dare he make me feel like a charity case, and I haven't wanted to hear anything he has to say since. I feel humiliated, like he thinks he controls me financially and that he truly thinks he's the one keeping me afloat. He does make more money than I do but we both work full time jobs and it's not like I don't make enough to support myself if it came down to it. It really, really hurt me that he would say this.

The thing is, this isn't the first time he has said something this hurtful. A year ago, he told me if I ever got pregnant that he would abort the baby (rather than stand by me and try to work out having a child and taking responsibility for it). The day before my friend's wedding he told me he could never see us getting married. Two weeks ago he told me that his step-dad thinks I'm high maintenance and that his friends think I expect too much from him. Last week he told me I'm nuts and to get the hell out of his life.

I feel like I am nuts. He always says he's sorry and wants me to stay and loves me and dreams of a future together and that he is sorry for the things he said, but I don't feel loved at all lately. I told him that if he wanted me to stay that he needed to get individual counseling but he got very defensive about that. I know he has a good heart but I feel like I'm bringing out the worst in him and for his sake I should leave (as well as for the sake of my feelings).

Part of me still does have very strong feelings for him and hopes that things can go back to how they were before he started being so hurtful, but I have lost all trust in him and am worried about what he might say next, and I can tell that this is affecting my ability to love him. I really, really miss that love and who he used to be and how loved and cherished he used to make me feel. He tells me that love is still there but it is very hard for me to believe him. I feel like if he works through these issues that make him lash out and attack me then maybe we could get back to that place, or am I just fooling myself? Should I forgive the things he's said? I feel like if we were in a healthy relationship and he still really, truly did love me then he never would have said any of those things to begin with.

For perspective, we've been together for 3 years, 9 months. We've been living together for a year and two months. We've been seeing couples counselors off and on for the past year, didn't really like the first two counselors, so we've been seeing the most recent counselor for the past three months.

 
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:15 PM   #2
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

This is not what a healthy relationship should look like. You have allowed his verbal abuse and believe me, he may say sorry til the cows come home, but he is NOT sorry! He is an abuser, though not (so far) a physical one. However his abuse is just as soul-destroying. You are already starting to blame yourself for the attacks, as all abused spouses do, but know this - IT IS ALL HIM! As we would advise any abused person, leave. He will only get worse, and as long as you keep forgiving him he will keep abusing you. Of course he acts repentant, he doesn't want you to leave and deprive him of a victim so he has to put on his nice face to train up another one. Nobody deserves to be abused. Sera

 
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:08 PM   #3
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

I agree whole-heartedly with Seraph. I have been with a mental abuser and, quite frankly, your s.o sounds particularly sadistic. Men like that always say they're sorry- and they probably are- sorry that they went a little too far this time and they need to bring you back. Not sorry for the way you feel. You need to get out of this relationship with quickness.

He will abort your child? Doesn't see you getting married? Nobody says these things to somebody they truly love. Getting angry with friends over something so trivial? Telling you that you would be sol without him- he has no respect for you and feels superior. He sounds like he could become dangerous with time. He's ALREADY dangerous to your emotional health.

I'm curious, why did he not like the first two counselors? Were they on to him? It's hard to fool a third-party observer, particularly one who is trained in mental health. Did you not like the first two counselors? Why? Were they on to YOU? I have been in your position in counseling. I wanted somebody to ease my mind, my counselor was real with me, a straight shooter. At the time, I did not like it. I didn't like anybody who made didn't make it easy for me to be in a bad situation, who held a mirror to my face and made me face what was really going on: A dangerous relationship with a grim future.

Last edited by punkybear; 11-19-2012 at 03:13 PM. Reason: adding

 
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:01 PM   #4
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

Leave him. Those kinds of remarks are shredding. He's a verbal abuser, he will not change. You are capable of love, he is not, really. Grieve - it's okay to miss him, he obviously had his good points, but it's important to focus on moving on. Get some counseling to help repair your self-image. You are capable of love, you will love again, and next time it will be someone that deserves it.

Last edited by eriro; 11-19-2012 at 06:04 PM. Reason: Additional thoughts

 
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Old 11-20-2012, 05:46 PM   #5
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

The most important thing you consider is that he is NOT going to change. This wasn't a one time slip of the tongue after a few drinks. He uses his words like fists and he knows where you are easy to hurt. Do you want a life time of that?

Here's the really good thing. If you break things off with him, you are leaving in a position of power. And that's what he has been working very hard to take from you. So go. It will end and if it ends any other way, you will really wish you'd been the one to take control and go.

Good luck.

 
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:27 PM   #6
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

Get out now!! You don't have a child with him and have your own job. But do go back into counceling because you don't want to make the same mistake again.

 
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Old 11-21-2012, 05:40 AM   #7
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Re: SHould I forgive him or leave him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mademoi View Post
Last night, in middle of an argument about money (we went out with friends who didn't pay their fair share and he got very upset about it in front of everyone so I told him how much this upset me when we got home, saying it wasn't a big deal that they didn't pay and it escalated from there). I told him I don't trust him because he often says things that hurt me, and his response to me was, and I quote:

"If it wasn't for me your a-s-s would be out on the street."

I told him how dare he make me feel like a charity case, and I haven't wanted to hear anything he has to say since. I feel humiliated, like he thinks he controls me financially and that he truly thinks he's the one keeping me afloat. He does make more money than I do but we both work full time jobs and it's not like I don't make enough to support myself if it came down to it. It really, really hurt me that he would say this.

The thing is, this isn't the first time he has said something this hurtful. A year ago, he told me if I ever got pregnant that he would abort the baby (rather than stand by me and try to work out having a child and taking responsibility for it). The day before my friend's wedding he told me he could never see us getting married. Two weeks ago he told me that his step-dad thinks I'm high maintenance and that his friends think I expect too much from him. Last week he told me I'm nuts and to get the hell out of his life.

I feel like I am nuts. He always says he's sorry and wants me to stay and loves me and dreams of a future together and that he is sorry for the things he said, but I don't feel loved at all lately. I told him that if he wanted me to stay that he needed to get individual counseling but he got very defensive about that. I know he has a good heart but I feel like I'm bringing out the worst in him and for his sake I should leave (as well as for the sake of my feelings).

Part of me still does have very strong feelings for him and hopes that things can go back to how they were before he started being so hurtful, but I have lost all trust in him and am worried about what he might say next, and I can tell that this is affecting my ability to love him. I really, really miss that love and who he used to be and how loved and cherished he used to make me feel. He tells me that love is still there but it is very hard for me to believe him. I feel like if he works through these issues that make him lash out and attack me then maybe we could get back to that place, or am I just fooling myself? Should I forgive the things he's said? I feel like if we were in a healthy relationship and he still really, truly did love me then he never would have said any of those things to begin with.

For perspective, we've been together for 3 years, 9 months. We've been living together for a year and two months. We've been seeing couples counselors off and on for the past year, didn't really like the first two counselors, so we've been seeing the most recent counselor for the past three months.
Please leave him. He is not worth you. People never change and you will spent the rest of your life scorned and hurt

 
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