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Old 12-10-2012, 06:32 AM   #1
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Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

Need advice. Caught fiance talking trash about me at party to strangers. We have been togther 7 years and in our early 30s. He is a huge people pleaser and always trying to win the approval of others. This time it is at the expense of my feelings and to me, that is unacceptable. I am the opposite and do not give a sh** what others think so I dont understand what he was thinking. He says he loves me and didnt mean it....says he was trying to be funny, etc. Can i ever trust him again or is this just in his nature?

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:54 AM   #2
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

What was he saying?

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:36 AM   #3
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

Mainly just pointing out things I do that annoy him...citing what he thinks as my personality flaws (BTW, I don't think they're flaws, I like my personality). Just talking negatively in general. Why would he do this? why would he be begging me to marry him if I am so "flawed" that he feels he must express this to acquantancies/strangers? He is contradicting himself. Is he putting me down to make himself feel better somehow? He likes to gossip by nature. I jsut never thought it was about me! Could this ever change?

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:52 AM   #4
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

To me trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and that includes knowing that your spouse is not gossiping or talking about you to others, it's a breach of trust. I think you need to explain this to him. Maybe he is just trying to be one of the boys by ragging on you with them, but it's not acceptable IMO and you need to make that clear to him, whether he "means" it or not.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:26 AM   #5
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

He knows exactly how I feel and I truly believe he is sorry. He says it wont happen again...but I am not naive. I know that I cannot change him and that people don't change. How common is this? I dont want to throw away a good relationship to find that most men do this. On the other hand, once a gossip...always a gossip??

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:14 AM   #6
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

Has he done this before? Maybe he truly didn't know he was hurting you until you caught him and told him. And now that he knows maybe he would never do it again because he knows its wrong?? He really could have learned his lesson. Sometimes guys really are just clueless, but once they know they've crossed the line, they don't repeat it. I'm hoping that is the case here.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:54 PM   #7
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

That's ultimately my concern: perhaps he does this ALL the time and I just happen to have caught him this time? I could forgive a one-time occurence...but how do I know it wont happen again? It just really bothers me that he cares so much of what others think of him...trying to be "cool". I think he got picked on growing up and now tries extra to be accepted.... ALthough he would never admit this. Sad thing is we are not in high school. we are 30-somethings! Other than this he's a decent guy. The people pleasing typically doesnt bother me because most of the time the "people" is ME! Maybe I am over-reacting? If i were 18 or 19 I would have easily dumped a guy for this...but at my age, i dont have time anymore to be so picky (if i want a family)! But obviously noone wants to settle! Can anyone relate?

 
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Old 12-12-2012, 03:41 AM   #8
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

It's a hard call but what bothers me is that he felt it was ok to put these strangers opinions of him ahead of you, and probably left them with a very bad opinion of you in the bargain, that's how important acceptance is to him. I can't really comment because when I come across someone who gossips or talks trash about other people all the time, I just run a mile, it gives me such a bad impression of them because they just come across as petty backstabbers (and yes, very insecure that they have to do this, and I know full well if they are talking trash to me about others, they're probably talking trash about me to others too). It would really bother me being with someone who cares so much about what others think of them that this is how they try to impress people it is very immature and high school. I have a couple of male relatives like this and they act the same way as if they are trying to be the cool kids in high school and honestly I can't even stand being around them because it just gives me the creeps, they're far too old to be acting this way. I guess the real question is can you handle the fact that he is so immature and insecure? because this gossiping he does is just a symptom of that. Would this guy really make a good husband and father if he is this immature, or would his immaturity cause problems in other ways. Could you really trust and confide in him knowing he might talk about private things behind your back. Only you can make that decision, but I think you need to be prepared that his need for attention and acceptance could get in the way.

Last edited by captjane; 12-12-2012 at 03:51 AM. Reason: spelling + add

 
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:07 AM   #9
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Re: Talking trash behind my back -Can i trust him again?

I cannot believe if he loves you as much as he says that he would be mean. Maybe he really was just being one of the boys and they were all trashish their spouces. Ask him why and to please be honest so you can move forward and make your decision. I believe that love can make it through the rough times, and maybe this is your first of many. I have been married for 30 plus years and we have had our ups and downs but if you love someone maybe you have to overlook some faults and talk about how it hurt you and it does make a differance.

 
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