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windleaf 12-19-2012 08:09 PM

I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
I have been with him for almost 4 months now, and we are engaged to be married. He is amazing man in every way, and I love him more than anything. I know he is not cheating on my and I know he loves me alot too. However I have had so many bad relationships in the past and even my father was a big time cheater on my mom. I just cannot trust anyone, no matter how much i try. I will take a small thing and think about it way to much, coming up with fantasies about how he is cheating on me. For instance, He accidently sent me a text that was meant for someone else that talked about wanting to visit because he missed that person. I of course took it to be a girl he was writing to, although I can't confirm anything, its unlikely that he was cheating on me. Then, I found a text on his phone at 1:30 am from a girl that said something like " i want to know you more" . He says that she got his number from someone else, and he has nothing to do with that girl. And since on several occasions I got upset about a text on his phone, he has since started deleting all his texts when he comes home and he says its because I fuss too much about the texts. I know he truely loves me and I truely don't believe that he is cheating but I don't like the fact that he deletes texts. It makes my suspicion worse. He is sick of me talking about it too. I told him that i don't like it, so I will see when i see him again if he continues to do it. Do i have anything to worry about, or do i just need to chill out and stop bringing it up?

rosequartz 12-20-2012 07:11 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
to me your suspicion seems valid......you need to trust your gut instinct
a girl text at 130am wanting to get to know him more?
yeah right, I'm sure the girl got his number from someone else....NOT
and the text he sent to someone that he missed them? it was a girl....
there are too many red flags here, don't buy his smooth talking, I wouldn't trust him either!

I wonder if 12-20-2012 07:17 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
I also was through a series of bad relationships until meeting my husband who I have now been with for 10 years and I can totally understand where your coming from. when you re cheated on or see your parents in a cheating relationship you tend to think that it will happen again, it makes it very difficult to trust some one. If this man you are with now cares enough about you he will be open and honest with you. There should be no reason for him to delete his texts. If you saw something in his phone that you had a question about then he should be willing to explain, afterall you do plan on marrying this man right? I would also think that if someone was sending him message you would also know that person. I can not think a single person in my husband's life that I don;t know about. That part seems a little off to me.

Seraph 12-20-2012 07:19 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
I agree. Your past experiences have probably built up your "lie detector" muscle. If he really wanted to reassure you, deleting texts is not the way to go about it. I would be suspicious too. Sera

Kszan 12-20-2012 07:35 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
If he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't be deleting his texts. I would be very suspicious of him too. You've only been together 4 months and if you're already having these kinds if problems then it doesn't look good for a long term future with this guy. I wouldn't waste anymore time with him personally. He sounds too shady and not trustworthy enough. It's only been 4 months, better to break it off now than in 4 years after you got really attached!

GenericPhrase 01-01-2013 05:40 PM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
So what happened here? Did you break it off? I hope so I would NOT trust this man.

writeleft 01-01-2013 08:51 PM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
My first reaction is why you would be engaged to a man you have only known for four months?

With your background, I would expect you would take all the time in the world to get to know someone inside and out before any kind of commitment.

I just got married myself, after 10 years of courtship. What's the hurry? Allow yourself to learn the answers yourself, rather than guess yourself into the crazy house.

He does sound suspicious, with or without any history. Use your gut to help you along. My first bit of advice would be to break the engagement and get to know him much better. My experience with quick engagements is quick disappointments.

You also might spend some time on yourself, because as with any obsession, that alone can be enough to ruin any good relationship. Time to devote enough time to yourself to learn how to live with your past, therapy could be excellent for you.

Be well..

windleaf 01-22-2013 12:14 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
Thanks everyone for your comments. Although it wasn't what I really wanted to hear. SO far, everything has been great with him, he got a new phone number, and has not been hiding his phone messages (he's not really getting any anyways). The thing is, and what I didn't tell you, is that he is not american, and he comes from a small village on a tropical island. So everybody knows everybody (from neighboring villages too). I know that many women were after him before me and him got together and i actually do believe him when he tells me that they sometimes do still call (before he changed his number). Maybe I am just gullable, because i love him so much. But I have no other signs that he is cheating or dishonest with me. He very clearly loves me and shows it everyday and there is rarely a time when i dont know where he is. I think he was being a bit shady before with the phone messages, and maybe he allowed girls to call him more than he should have. I really don't know. But what do you think, has he made up for his previous behavior by changing his number?

metalzombie 01-22-2013 04:02 AM

Re: I'm obsessively suspicious of my fiance
 
You can't necessarily control who texts you, but you can control not responding. If he had a lot of "baggage" before, getting the new number is at least a clean slate. Deleting texts does indicate he has something to hide, but if he tried to be open about the texts before when you inquired about them and you obsessed over them, then it sounds like he was trying to avoid a confrontation.

However, I agree with writeleft. You should give yourself time before you commit to a marriage. If you have serious trust issues, you need to resolve those before you make that kind of commitment. It will destroy any relationship you enter into.


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