Join Date: Oct 2012
Stressed please can i have some input, will return the favour.
I am in need of some advice i feel so stressed right now.
I started on antidepressants christmas day, I am totally against medication but things got really bad for me so i have no other choice, I wonder do i really have an imbalance or what is going on.
I got married to my boyfriend of 5 years 2 years ago, when we first met I was just finished with another guy i was seeing that I was totally mad about (young infatuation) but he did not feel the same, nothing ever worked between us and he was pretty disrespectful etc but we did get along well as friends and i guess i felt a connection with him at the time.
My now husband was the total opposite of my then somewhat boyfriend, he was just so respectful, loving, caring, compasionate, we got along so well and never fight and just hit it off from the very start, although in my mind i wonder did I really respect him for being so nice to me, for loving me.
when i strated seeing him, I never thought we would end up together married with a son, I just went with the flow, it all just happened actually i heard he had a very famous cousin and that is what got me talking to him lol.
through our relationship we have had minor issues, our sex life is good I have felt extremely connected to him, moreso then anyone in my whole life, I have felt a strong unbelivable connection, i have felt what I would consider love for him.
No man has ever been as good to me, he loves me so much unconditionally whether i look a wreck or i look well, up and down his there for me through it all.
After we got married something sparked within me and I started to panic basically in a really bad way questioning whether or not i loved him, was i really happy etc, while we were engaged of course i had moments of cold feet, I didnt feel that enthusiastic about looking for my ring or my dress but i guess that could be anyone, to be honest i think i just wasnt that into really getting married I dunno but we had the most beautiful day, it was perfect.
I had an awful lot of stress planning wedding, my family of origin are the source of all of my stress in life and extremely dysfuntional so i was so worried would someone start a fight etc it took away from the planning, for example my sister was sending me pictures of her in a dress that looked exactly like a wedding dress cream silk dress its like what the hell, there were other stresses too such as the normal prewedding stress.
My mother has the habit of getting involved in relationships, all of my other siblings are single and completely messed up and my mother played a part in the destruction of all of there relationships, when she has vistited me she comments about my husband such as does he give me enough money etc etc, it may only be an odd comment but it really really gets to me.
My uncle recently died and i went to the funeral in my hometown, with my husband and my 6 week old son.
Because it was my fathers brother we spent the majority of our time with him, we also spent time with my mother but more with my dad, i never spend time with my father and it was really nice just spending a little time with him, also he got to know my husband more, it was the one trip where when we were driving home I felt like we had a good time and we were happy.
When i got home my mother called me bitching about my dad, i just said look try to let it go (they are sperated about 13 years). She took that badly i think as when i hung up she sent we a text saying
"she felt there was something wrong with me when i was down that is why i was keeping my distance and she could not deal with the aunguish anymore so she would have to let me go and wished me the best"
I already have exteme ocd thoughts relating to my love for my husband I think it is anxiety as I do really love him, it just spun me out of control into thoughts again of is there something wrong do i love him, it is what i would consider hell. I am in the happiest time of my life my son is so beautiful i have a great partner yet I am constantly worried thinking is there something wrong with my life, my family seem to completely fuel this.
I am trying to take control back I am on day 4 of medication, I am 30 and totally against meds but i feel i need it, I have gotten very depressed starting around a time of stress dealing with a severely alcoholic/what i felt was suicidal brother at the time.
To add to the stress my sister rings me telling me she met my ex the one i was speaking about above, i mean she was going on and on about him, its just an area of my life that is past and she constantly brings him up, I am totally over him but you know it rattles you even when you have moved on, it just brought back what a fool i was and how he hurt me.
I tend to beat myself up in a BIG way for having any thoughts at all, I am very hard on myself and then feel so guilty and feel my husband deserves better then me.
I am just looking for any advice on my situation, I am thinking of completely cutting off my mother and my sister because i cant handle the stress...