Over a year ago my wife put herself, myself and our four children into a financial disaster! We have been together for over 20 years. Here is my issue, ever since I discovered all the goings on with the money my wife has been quite undesirable to me. I do not look at her the same way I used to nor do I love her the way I use to nor do I think I will ever love her the way I use to.
After going into my 401K and straightening everything out (except for my mortgage, thats another story) she acts as if nothing ever happened!
I have been depressed, I have secluded myself (I am assuming from the depression), I really don't talk to her much anymore, I keep to myself, sex every once in a blue moon, I am constantly stressed, my sleep pattern has been destroyed and I notice I am smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee A LOT more! I lost all motivation and drive for pretty much everything except my job.
Can someone lead me into some sort of direction? I feel like I am standing in the middle of a jungle not knowing which way to turn! I am a 47 year old male. I really don't want to drop dead from a stroke due to all the pressure. I need some sane advice. Please don't tell me to see a counselor, I have done that already. The Dr stated that we need a "Getaway vacation" to reconcile our marriage...needless to say, I don't see that DR anymore! It goes a lot deeper than just "Needing a vacation"!
I do realize I am all over the place with this and do apologize! :-\
LilWilly, I'm sorry for what you're going through but 27K doesn't just vanish, have you gone through bank statements and records? there is always a paper trail. I happen to work at a bank and people always think their money just vanished but it doesn't, there is usually a clear reason why it has diminished, I really think you should sit down with your wife and go through records and see what is going on. Maybe when there are some clear and cut answers you will find some explanation and hopefully some closure with this situation, it's important that you understand what happened to begin to heal. It sounds like you simply don't trust her anymore, atleast not with finances, perhaps you could start having seperate bank accounts and have one joint account where funds are deposited only to pay bills and what not. You need to do whatever is going to make you feel more comfortable. Best of luck!
"tell me, what was your face before your mother and father were born?"
Not only has she put your entire families present and future in jeopardy, she has not even come up with a logical answer about where the money went..Simply saying "On the kids" is not good enough. Without that information, how could you be expected to be able to understand, much less forgive or move on.
This is a deep betrayal by a woman you have invested your life to, and this breach of trust is beyond explanation. How can you deal with something you don't even know? She needs to come clean with you, before anyone could expect you to begin the process of rebuilding your life.
What is her attitude toward this whole issue, and how long did it take her to spend all the money? Did you notice any strange behavior during this time? Is the spending it traceable through bank statements, credit card purchases, or did she use cash? How did you eventually learn of the money loss? Did she lie along the way, or did she have access to all the money and just thought it was hers to use as she pleased?
I can imagine why you are going through all the symptoms that you are, and I encourage you to take some action. Are the kids at home still?
I would make any access to your money off limits to her. So many questions here...does she work and have her own money?
I encourage you to protect yourself and your kids from her until you can get an idea of what she is up to. No doubt that you have lost all respect for her, thus the loss of feelings and desire to be around her.
This might be a great time for her to go visit her mother or someone so you can have the peace you need to get yourself strong and clear again. She needs some consequences , or she will never realize what she did is so wrong.
This is a touchy subject, but you could consider filing charges against her. I certainly would. Much depends on the ages of your children and her other qualities as a mother and wife. I hope you find some answers, and can go forward without this ruining your families lives.''
Hello again, .....I think your wife took the money for herself and stashed it away to be used as her personal rainy day fund. The money gives her options, something she felt she didn't have before. It will give her a different attitude because now she will feel that she is doing her role as wife and mother because she wants to and not because she has to. Perhaps she has heard stories of women being left high and dry by their husbands and decided to take a preventative action. It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy because now the more you have a bad attitude toward her, the more she will feel she did the right thing. Buy her a dozen roses and tell her you love her and don't mention the money again, it's the only chance you have. Don't you be depressed, let her feel guilty. Be counter intuitive, tell her you trust her but at the same time keep your banking private. Hey, lesson learned, this situation is not unique, it happens to men all the time. Take the high road as hard as it is to do, there is too much at stake.
Hello again...True story....About 15 years ago there was a rash of IRS checks being stolen. What was happening was the wives were stealing the checks and changing the I to an M and making it MRS so and so. Talk about trouble.....Since then the checks have to be made out to United States Treasury., so like I said, this happens to men all the time.
Well, her whole attitude is pretty much "Carefree"! I messed up, I apologized, let's move on.
It took a little under a year until I realized what was going on. I was at the supermarket
and handed the cashier my debit card when I found out it was declined. I then went to the ATM
to see what was going on...I almost had a coronary! The next day I had asked her about the mortgage.
Now mind you, she told me she was paying it every month as each 3rd week I would ask "did the
Mortgage payment go out"? She would always say yes. So that next day I wanted to contact the mortgage
Company, so I asked "has the mortgage been late"? I asked again, she said "we are about 2 months behind".
So when I contacted the mortgage Company it turns out she hadn't made a payment in "11 MONTHS"!
With a little more research I found I owed the oil Company $1400, electric Company $1000, The gas Company
$800, cable Company $600 and other little outstanding bills.I also had over $2000 in late fees to the bank!
"TALK ABOUT BETRAYAL"!!! I had to go into my 401K and pull out over $6000 to break even with just the day
to day bills!!
She has since been banned from ANY money I make. Now some may say "Well why werent you watching the money"?
Well, when your out busting your hump trying to support the family you tend to need to leave things to your
other half to help out.Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge please!
My wife was out of work for 18 years because I wanted her home to raise the kids, My choice!
She has been working for a year now makeing $400 a week cash money. The funny thing is, she doesnt contribute
to any of the bills! I payout over $1600 a month in bills and she doesnt give me a dime. My son goes to college
so I pay for his car insurance. He is a good kid! Works full time and goes to school. He deserves it so I give
it to him.
Loss of respect and trust is just the tip of the iceberg! After this all went down I could not even look at her,
thats how disgusted I was. We have been together for many years and to pack up and just walk out is not an
option for me. It would probably cost me more in the long run. I do love her, she is the mother of my children
but when is enough enough??? I feel so disrespected and unappreciated these days! :-(
After reading your last post, I understand so much more. I can certainly understand the resentment and loss of feeling toward her, and can also understand that you trusted her all these years. Rightly so, though it bit you big time.
Your resentment likely comes from the fact that she has not seemed to have any remorse or taken any blame. Maybe she's embarrassed about it, or maybe she truly doesn't feel she did anything wrong. WHo knows. I expect she was buying things she didn't need to (for herself, for the house, for the kids, who knows) and it got out of hand over time and she got dug in too deep and you found out and it all blew up. Of course, than goodness you found out when you did or it would be MUCH worse.
The only hope you have for any kind of reconciliation with her, for your health, is to get some joint counseling along with individual counseling. I totally understand you tried counseling but believe me, not every counselor is right for you. Obviously, the one you tried was not. A good counselor will not suggest a quick fix. He/she will listen to you over time, not just one session. They will see what you need, what is best for your family, for your needs. I know this from experience. Finding the right counselor saved me from depression - and it was not the first one I tried!
I would also suggest that since this is situational depression, some drug therapy MAY work for you for just a few months until the counseling gets underway and starts to work. Personal choice. But continuing on the way you are, without counseling, will not work because your resentment grows, whatever your wife is feeling grows, and you soon will be two individuals living in the same house, roommates who walk around each other. This will affect your kids also, believe me.
I think she is more embarrassed than anything. I told her, when you missed the first mortgage payment you should have said something to me! I could have fixed it right then and there but I guess she did not want me to see that she could not handle it. Nothing would have pleased me more than to have to handle a $2000 problem over a $7000 - $10000 problem.
Again, the counseling thing I do not think will work. I hate to say it but somewhere in this twisted little story it is going to come down to being my fault! The last counselor I went to, I explained that at one point I was working 3-4 jobs to support the family, so I was never really home. (This is when the kids were infants) The counselor then turns to me and says "You did it all wrong"!! I said did it all wrong????? What the hell are you talking about???!!!! She really rubbed me the wrong way! It just didnt make sense to me. You have all these dead beat dads and unfaithful husbands and here I am working my *** off for my family (Not even me), not screwing around with other woman and I did something wrong??!!! SMH! She made me feel as if I abandon my family and didnt spend enough time with any of the kids! Hell while I was working the 3-4 jobs, I still made time to coach baseball, soccer.
Ok, enough of my whining! ;-)
But getting back to the financial issue. I cleared the problem up within a week with all the outstanding bills by digging into the 401K. I think what is stressing me most is the house. I continuously talk with the mortgage Company in hopes that they will not foreclose on the home. Although we havent made a mortgage payment in a while, the house is not "in-sale" and I continue to put the money away as if I were paying the mortgage. My lawyer told me not to pay them a dime until we can come to some sort of agreement. So I pile the money away in hopes that they will work with me. I would really hate to lose the house. I rented my entire life and the one sole purpose I was working so hard was to put my family into a house.
This whole thing has thrown my world into a 360! Definitely not the same person I was a year ago. Learned to trust very few and keep to myself these days. Totally unlike me to be like this.
As your story has developed, I am honestly shocked at the lack of remorse you have been shown. Embarrassment, shame and deep regret should have been poured upon you if she had any kind of remorse or hope for forgiveness.
You are a very good man to put up with this and be able to suck it up as you seem to be doing. You are even a better man to have worked so hard, for so long for your family only to betrayed by your wife. Your trust in her to pay the bills that your have provided funds for is totally understandable. With her being a bread winner that is not contributing to your family is unthinkable.
I applaud you for keeping all of this going for your family, while your wife has been working so hard to undermine you is amazing.
I am holding it together for the kids. Ive always said to myself "Kids are permanent, everything else is temporary"! I think the older ones know whats going on, its my little one (10 yo) that is keeping me in check to make sure things stay smooth .... for now.
What really bothers me I guess is that I worked so hard for all these years and then when had all this happen, kinda makes you feel like you've lost your self worth, confidence and just point of existing! I have ALWAYS been the bread winner and my purpose in life was to support the family. This really can knock a man down ya know!
I commend you for your forever commitment to your children by hanging in there through thick and thin. While I can certainly understand how you must feel like you have been kicked in the gut repeatedly, but it is the standing back up again that you should measure your self confidence, your "never give up" attitude, and your ability to be rise above all this to provide your children with something no one else can.
The world needs more men like you, as role models for our children, and as strong forever fathers. While I understand how very difficult this time must be for you, the fact that you have put your children first is proof of what a man you are. I hope any present feelings of loss you are experiencing will be short lived, and you will be assured by the fact that you are doing the right thing. Anyone can get through the easy times, but to fight your way back from adversity is to be a real survivor, and there should be great personal pride in that.
Your children (and you wife) are so fortunate to have you leading the way for your family. It must be a great feeling to be able to put your arm around your children's shoulders and tell them that you will always be there for them.
Thank you so much for the kind words. My children will always come before "ANYTHING!" It is just very stressful to me to have to struggle to get my family back on our feet when I had nothing to do with it. I will tell you though, anything financial comes through me...PERIOD! I have had a few instances where my wife was crying (Figure of speech) that she had no money but I did not give in! She works her job and that is her money, I dont ask for a dime. If you cant manage it, then I guess your ****** out of luck!
Well anyway....thank you again for the kind words!!!
Really, my guess is the same as another person posted, I think she's stashed it so she can get a divorce or if you divorce her, she will have money. She's waiting for the right opportunity to leave perhaps? Anyway, that's just my guess of course...
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.