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lbibb3 01-09-2013 01:15 PM

Is he lying or cheating?
 
I have been married for 9 years. My husband and I have 4 children together. Earlier on in our relationship, I had an affair. I knew what I did was wrong and I confessed to what I had done. He still wanted to continue our marriage and work things out. But over the years, he has become less emotionally attached and more distant. I try so hard to bring him back and try to be this perfect wife, but it is like he doesn't care or respond. I am physically there, but that is it. It hurts so much to not feel wanted. My thoughts and feelings do not seem to matter to him. He is angry towards me a lot. So, because of his distance and anger, I am trying to figure out the cause to it. I wonder if he is cheating on me. He will not let me know the password to his phone and if I ask to use his phone he gets very angry. He doesn't care to spend any time with me. When I question him of course he says no. I just dont know what to do. I hurt a lot and I get tired of it.

writeleft 01-09-2013 01:51 PM

Re: Is he lying or cheating?
 
It seems that there could be many dynamics working here, and whether they include cheating and lying, it is very difficult to tell.

With six family members in your home, as parents you do have a lot of responsibility to each other and your children. This is something that you could use some professional counseling to break through the barriers you mention between you and your husband.

Life at home does not sound like a warm and nurturing place for your children to grow up, I can understand why you feel compelled to make some changes. Presenting this as an opportunity for more peace and happiness for everyone, would be the best way of presenting this idea, rather than with any suspicions, or blame.

We all can change, and with life always moving forward, it is necessary to always be ready to make changes to keep up with the flow of life. What worked 5 years ago, does not always work now.

It must be very hurtful to try so hard and be left feeling so alone and the recipient of so much anger and resentment. It sounds like both of you have some things to share with each other that could make things much better for everyone. You deserve to feel like a beloved wife, mother and family member. Try to use words about YOUR feelings, rather than accusations and suspicions. You may be very surprised at the source of his anger and actions.

Counseling does not have to be a forever thing..but it does sound in order here to get you both back on track.

My best to you...

BeaTrade 01-09-2013 04:31 PM

Re: Is he lying or cheating?
 
The password thing is a big red flag. I cannot say he is but it would make me suspicious. I have to say that when I was married to my first husband, I did have an affair and the way you describe how he is acting is exactly how I acted when I had the affair. I was very angry...I wanted to be with the other man, I did not want to be married anymore and in my mind the husband was in the way of my happiness. He may feel justified since you had an affair...he may have not ever forgiven you. It takes a very strong person to forgive an affair. It's hard.

writeleft 01-09-2013 06:45 PM

Re: Is he lying or cheating?
 
I saw red flags as well, but considered that he might be taking his feelings about the affair on you. This is something many women know in their hearts, but can not accept in reality

I would be suspicious too, if my husband kept his phone from me, or was acting out.

Did you two ever really clear the air about your affair from before? If not, this could be a festering wound that needs some major attention.

It is hard to guess, with out knowing both of you, but one way or the other, something needs to happen to allow both of you to learn the truth about the state of your marriage, and then make decisions based on what is real.

BeaTrade 01-09-2013 07:45 PM

Re: Is he lying or cheating?
 
I know that in this day and age of divorcing others may say "boohiss" to my advice but, my advice to you and your husband is to get it together for the sake of your children because really, they are what matters and you two chose to have FOUR children together and they have to right to have a decent home to live in with love from TWO parents! That's my two cents worth and you need to tell your husband that and remind him that the most important thing in his life right now needs to be raising your children in a loving environment. You two need to get to the bottom of the cause of his attitude.

Kszan 01-09-2013 08:27 PM

Re: Is he lying or cheating?
 
I concur with the others that you guys need to have a long talk. Until you both get your feelings out in the open, you won't really know what needs to be done to resolve it. Can you approach the subject by telling him that you're sensing some distance between you two and you would really like to talk it through? Would he be open to talking with you? If he is totally shut down and doesn't want to talk, you should probably say that you've been giving it a lot of thought and you want to try to get things on the right track again. I'm not sure what you can do if he doesn't open up but I think you should give it a try. But it's all in the approach and what words you use so be sure to choose your words carefully. Use as many "I feel" statements as possible and few if any "You always" statements. I think it's what needs to be done to be able to move forward from this point.


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