If he wasn't my best friend, I wouldn't put up with what he's putting me through...
Please, I need help.
I'm genuinely scared of what I may do if I can't find some kind of solution...
Now this is worthy of a soap opera, so I have a lot to explain, so it's long and I'm sorry. But if you like 90210 or whatever, you will love it.
He is one of my two best friends. The three of us are extremely close, and I am the only girl, just if that's any interest.
He and I have always had chemistry and whenever we drink together and stay over at a friend's house or anything like that - we always seem to get very close and cuddle up together and go to sleep. The strange thing is, I've never actually thought about it that much until recently, about how weird that really is. I just did it because I was cold and uncomfortable and it didn't feel wrong. It actually felt perfect.
He's had a girlfriend for the past two or three years though. He never talks about her, and when he does it's usually because someone else brought her up. I asked him once, long ago - before all this happened - why he talks about her so poorly and he said because he never wanted to be with her. He said they were just having fun but she somehow trapped him in a relationship. Now, I know what you're thinking, "he just said that because he fancies you and is a jerk." or whatever, but no. She tried to do the same thing with our other best friend before the three of us were all friends - they were just having fun - and then he broke it off with her because he wanted to date someone else, properly (ie. he had made it -very- clear it was just sex to her, but when he wanted to have a relationship with another girl he did the right thing and broke it off with her.) You know what she did? She pretended she was pregnant with his baby, though she wasn't. Yeah. She's that type of person. Also she knows he and I have chemistry and doesn't like me for it. I can't blame her for that, and until recently I didn't really care because, you know, nothing was going on. But she actually used to flirt, horrendously, with one of our close friends in front of him just to try and get back at him for me. She would lie her legs over him, hug him, throw her arms around him, kiss him on the cheek, have him carry her because her feet were too sore, it was weird as hell. He never did care.
They broke up about a month or two ago - because of me. You see, he went to work abroad for a very long time (She invited everyone but his two best friends (me and the one she did the fake pregnancy thing to) to his going away party). During that time I missed him terribly. I even spent a lot of money to go and see him (She didn't.). When he came back, I told him that I missed him... and he kissed me. and then the next week he broke up with his girlfriend. I felt guilty as hell for that - I mean, she's not a nice person, but that doesn't mean she deserves that.
But then he still took her on dates and stuff. And he still called them dates.
Oh, and THEN he declared his love for me. He said I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Those were exactly his words. Now, when he was away, I realised that I massively in love with him. But you know, There's a difference between "I love you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with you". I freaked out. I said that now's not the right time.
But I haven't got much self control. Things went on from there, and well, we were kind of seeing each other, but not really for a couple of weeks.
Kind of drew to an end when we were in the middle of having sex and his ex called and he answered it. And he was on the phone for about 15 minutes and offered to go and meet her while I lay there naked wanting the earth to swallow me whole. I could hear her side of he conversation as well. Manipulative is what she is.
That's when it got weird, it was like, whenever I was spending time with him he was constantly texting her and at first I felt bad for feeling annoyed, but it was constant. I could be cuddling up with him watching a DVD. All happy and snuggly and content, and his phone would go off, that's ok. Then it would go off again, Ok. Then it would keep going off and off and off and he would have to keep responding and it was clear that he was having a full on conversation with his ex girlfriend while he was holding me. Every time.
We had a talk and he repeated to me what I had said the first time I had gotten scared. You know, now's not the right time and all that. But by this point I had let that go. I couldn't tell him that. And now I'm kind of heartbroken. And I feel like I've made a mistake. We agreed that we were inevitable, and that it will happen. That we are meant to be together. But I don't think it will. Life's not that predictable. Something will happen to one of us. We might meet someone else, We might move away, we may even die. and the other person will have to live the rest of their life feeling like they made the biggest mistake of their life. Probably me.
Since that talk where we agreed "not now" We've tried to be close friends, and it's just not happening really. I hate it. I just want to scream. I'm just dealing with it so badly and I want to tell him. If he were anyone else I would give him an ultimatum. But because he's him I can't lose his friendship. I couldn't cope without him in my life.
But I'm here feeling this way, and I can't do it.
Ah, who am I kidding no one's gonna bother helping me with this.
Last edited by mod85; 01-09-2013 at 08:24 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to Elpis: writeleft (01-10-2013)
Re: If he wasn't my best friend, I wouldn't put up with what he's putting me through.
Hello Elpis and welcome to the HealthBoards. I had not problem reading your post and came back to answer, especially after your last few words in which you mentioned that no one would respond to your need for help.
There are lots of people here who will read and respond to your thread, and with thoughtful and supportive answers for you to consider.
I can understand your feelings of confusion after all this drama that has unfolded within your group of friends/boyfriends, girlfriends and the rest.
My concern is with your friend who seems to playing everyone around. While he was with his girlfriend he was hanging out with you, and when it was your turn with him, he was on the phone and seeing her. Meanwhile, the old GF was pretending to be pregnant with yet another friend, and when it was all over you are left trying to figure out what happened?
In my experience, many people will come into and out of your life. Many times they hold a purpose in our lives to help us through one phase or another, and then we go on our own paths for our next life adventure. I can hold past relationship near my heart for all they offered me at the time and be thankful for my time with them in my life.
It sounds like the heyday in your relationship is in the past, and he was a great friend to you. We all have those who we will always wonder "what if", but we realize it is a new time in our life, and we have new things to learn about ourselves and others.
If you can find a place for this friend in you current life, without it causing you grief, pain or hinder your growth, then find that place for him, if he is also willing to take that place.
If you find it is too painful or you are missing out on the things you want, then you must step farther back and accept your best times are over.
WE all have time to heal and rediscover ourselves, and if this friend is still in your life with the passage of time, your question will be answered.