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Old 01-31-2013, 04:44 PM   #1
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MartinABJ HB User
Long distance-relationship paranoia

I am sorry if this is the wrong board to post this in, as i could not find any other that suited this topic.
I am in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, she lives in Norway and i live in England, finished my last term at university. We have been together since August last year (2012) and it has been good, we spent halloween together and christmas. However, over the recent week i have started to feel a bit paranoid. It all started when she told me she was out taking a couple of drinks with some friends and then afterwards had joined this guy from her work back to his for a few more drinks. This is what i see that began my paranoia, i asked her the day after what she had done and she said they had only taken a few drinks and had been chatting about work and why he had moved to town. Today she had helped one of her friend move and this guy from her work (lets call him R) was there to help with the heavy lifting as he lives in the area. She then told me that he had been helping out throughout the day and that when they were finished she had fallen asleep in his lap. Having just gotten over the fact that she had joined him home for drinks and now apperantly fallen asleep in his lap have sort of thrown me into the deep end of the emotional pool.

My girlfriend is a girl that have had alot of hardships in her life and i trust her more than anyone, despite me being paranoid. Now, i know that there is most likely nothing to these things other than what she said they were, but i still have this feeling of... helplessness. A few months ago she was at a party and this guy she knows kissed her in his drunken stupor, her reaction was as she and her best friend have told me, was to cry for almost two days and believe that i would be so angry at her for being kissed that i would break up with her. This is the reason i 'know' she can and will never cheat. But still, i cannot get over my paranoia for things like she falling asleep in R's lap!

I have thought it through rationally and even asked a guy i know at her work about this R and i was told that he is a really nice guy and seemed to not be the type that would try to get my girlfriend to cheat. I trust him and i trust my girlfriend but i still feel that there is more to it.

Sorry if this was cluttered and a wall of text, but i am at a loss of what to do. I dont want to ask my girlfriend about it as she will then think i wont trust her, but then again i want to find out if there is anything to this or if it is just me and my mind playing tricks.

 
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:55 PM   #2
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sadgirl74 HB Usersadgirl74 HB User
Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

long distance relationships dont ever work out from what i have seen i am sorry, i think i would move on with a closer girl who you can touch, feel and get close to..

 
Old 02-03-2013, 04:55 PM   #3
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Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

i would tell her just. If you can when you are with her in person not over the phone or via sms it can send the wrong message sometimes. You have to be completely honest with her .....thats how relationships last. Just say you are not accusing her but you just have this awful feeling an I'm sure she will understand!
Then you will both feel better.

 
Old 02-04-2013, 10:26 AM   #4
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Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

Hey MartinABJ,

I am in a long distance relationship and have been with my bf for 6 years, 5 n a half of which are through long distance. It's definitely very good that you trust each other cz that is the only way the relationship can survive. I have never cheated on him and I'm always careful although temptations may come up. But I myself are a very sociable person and I have many guy friends but I know where the limits are and don't overcome them. There's nothing wrong with her hanging out with guys, BUT there are certain things that are out of line. Her falling asleep on someone's lap is not appropriate. It doesn't mean something has or will happen but it is definitely a way of getting yourself in weird situations. So give her her fair amount of space but don't let her convince you everything is ok and nothing to worry about because we women tend to do that and are masters at convincing our bf's of things so we can have our freedom. A woman needs someone to give her space, but also set her straight when she's crossing the line, otherwise she will walk all over you and with time she will take you for granted. The way to do this though is not by shouting at her otherwise she will feel trapped. It works best when you tell her in a firm but not attacking voice that you don't mind her having guy friends but that this is not ok with you as it wouldn't be if another girl fell into your lap. Be a bit cold and don't make it seem like it's something to be discussed-it should be more like a statement and then just tell you have to go . If you sit there for too long she will try and mellow you out with her irresistible ways and will feel comfortable again. It's good to make us worry and feel guilty every now and then.

Hope this helped!

 
Old 02-06-2013, 03:54 PM   #5
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Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

I had a chat with her about over the phone about it and she sort of understood my point, i think. Though every time i try to bring such a subject up she starts saying that i appreantly do not trust her enough and that i am jealous. I fail to see how i am jealous. Over the last week she has also spent quite alot of time with this guy and many times she doesnt even return my messages and when she does it is just to say good night :/ Personally i want to talk to her face to face because then i can more clearly see her reaction when we talk, but there are still 6 weeks to go before i go back home to see her. Now i choose to believe that she is not cheating and that he is just her friend, which might be very naive of me but i realize that if i go around thinking and dwelling on it, it will only make me more paranoid and i will end up not being able to trust her at all.

Of course, if i do find out that she was indeed cheating on me with this guy, i will be heartbroken and i would not be able to trust her ever again, but then again, she is a girl that prefer to have guy friends and she have said that they are just friends and so i have to belive that and give her my trust until the opposit is proven.

Maybe i am a little bit jealous as well considering this guy i have never met is spending more time with and around my girlfriend that i do, but also because she went to his home for a drink, fell asleep on him and even kissed him in drunken stupor (she told me 10 minutes after it happened) those things sure brings me to think and make up shadows that something more is going on I am confused as this is my first serious relationship and if i could i would go back home and stay with her but because of university that is not an option at this point. Although i have thought of ways to tell her what i feel on the subject but everytime i am about to say it i am afraid i'll make her think i dont trust her.

 
Old 02-07-2013, 08:41 AM   #6
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Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

Seems to me that you have the right to question her time with him, especially since she is putting herself into situations that actually do make her untrustworthy. She is responsible for her actions regardless if they are done in a drunken stupor or not. From my experience, long distance relationships don't really work on average. It's hard enough on a relationship when they aren't long distance. Since you can't make the trip right now, the best you can do is to not dwell on it and then talk to her in person about it when you go. Until then, just leave it alone as there isn't anything that can be done about it.

I don't know about anyone else, but if I am in a serious relationship, romantically kissing someone else is not acceptable behavior under any circumstances and that is more than a friend-thing. I am pretty certain she would not appreciate it if you did the same thing. You have only been together about 6 months. If it were me, I would move on.

 
Old 02-12-2013, 08:46 AM   #7
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Mireland HB User
Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

Hi it would be best to tell her of your feeling of distrust or anxiety most girls don't think much of what they do with guys like R but us guys we do so talk to her or R I hope this helps

 
Old 02-12-2013, 10:35 AM   #8
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metalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB User
Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

I disagree that "most girls don't think....."

I think that most people, guys and girls alike, who are in a relationship, think about what they are going to do with another person if not beforehand, at least at the moment the decision is made. I mean, they do have to decide, Yes I will kiss this person or No I will not. They may not put enough thought into it or may just not care about the outcome or who they hurt in the process, or just have no qualms about putting themselves into a bad situation. That is a selfish person regardless of their gender.

Having guy friends if you are a girl or girl friends if you are a guy doesn't matter. Your behavior with them is what matters.

 
Old 02-16-2013, 02:20 AM   #9
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Re: Long distance-relationship paranoia

MartinABJ,

If you have both agreed that your relationship is one of mutual exclusivity and you have plans to live in the same town to continue your relationship in person then I'd tell her that her falling asleep next to another man is a level of intimacy that you are not comfortable with.

Personally I wouldn't be offended by the drunk guy kissing her because that was the other guy kissing her. But she chose to cuddle up to this other 'friend' and kiss him which is a role her boyfriend should fill. Honestly I don't like the idea of guy friends for girls and girl friends for guys.

I must admit I do not know too much about this male-female friendship dynamic since I don't have any female friends who are confidants since I wouldn't know how to have that kind of relationship with a woman with whom I didn't want to develop a deep relationship. Also studies show that we guys are terrible at having very close female friends. If we develop a close relationship with a woman more often than not it is to build a larger network of future partners if our current relationship shouldn't work out. That said I can understand that to her cozying up to that guy may be innocent, but to him (and most guys I'd think) it is too close.

Honestly bud, you should review the situation, right a pros and cons list and decide if this can go the distance. I don't know how you can trust someone who, by what you've said, appears to drink more than she can handle and make unwise decisions. If you have several years left at uni you might just consider moving on. It was a 6 month fling, a time of learning. You can take from this patience and trust and start thinking about what characteristics you like and dislike in the future person with whom you want to be.


Good Luck,
Manonymous

Last edited by manonymous; 02-16-2013 at 02:32 AM.

 
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