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Old 02-05-2013, 03:53 PM   #1
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viper160 HB User
married and in love with girl from High School Days

Please really need some advice ...
I am 31 and married to my wife 27 for 6 years now. We have know each other since school and got together 2 months after I got out of the Navy and pregnant in 3 months. My mom pushed us to get married faster and in 8 months. My wife left a guy to be with me... a guy who she bounced back too all the time. Even after marriage I was worried she would go back. We have 4 children, 3 together and 1 is hers prior. We have been very up and down and in the last year our communication has just not been there. I feel like we are room mates and going through the motions. She controls a lot of what I want to do and feel held back all the time. I try to do things from my community and to make it better and she hates me spending my time for free.

Lately I have been talking to a girl on facebook from my school day and we have had great conversations.. we have so much in common and have never felt more alive. I don't feel depressed anymore. She feels the same way. I don't want to hurt my wife because we are good friends. Yet I feel my heart skipping beats with the girl from my school days. We want to help the community and people same way, and she supports me in everything. Yet, I am don't want to hurt the kids either and want to be in their life. I am just so confused and feel trapped between to places. I feel if I stay I will be unhappy because my wife and I are not headed in the same direction. I still love her but not the way we did when we got together... just think we are 2 different people.

Last edited by viper160; 02-05-2013 at 09:43 PM.

 
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:14 PM   #2
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Ivorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB User
Re: married and in love with girl from High School Days

Hi there.....it is common in a marriage for there to be some changes in terms of passion and interests over the years especially as kids come into the picture distracting a couple from one another.

Facebook is a great thing, however, it has also been known to lead to emotional and physical affairs and led to many marriages breaking up.

It is easy to succumb to the excitement of reuniting with somebody of the opposite sex who is more readily available to give us the attention we crave during times when our spouse isn't able to.

This ignites those butterflies that emerge when we feel attracted towards the attention the other is able to give us and you need to be aware that this is something that can easily pull our efforts away from perhaps re-igniting those feelings with the one who we first committed to.

Have you tried to work on renewing some of what you and your wife had that seems to have slipped away???

Like having date nights or making time to be with one another???

I bring this up only because those butterflies you feel, as exciting as they may be, are there in the now but if you were to spend 6 years with another person the reality is that those butterflies will lessen throughout the years, not to say that you don't love that person but love matures over the years as time is spent with a spouse and you build a life together with family and distractions....good times and bad, sickness and health, in-laws and money problems, children etc.

Just wanted to add a dose of reality to the situation of how things may appear to be wonderful with somebody you reconnect with who is a welcome distraction to the reality of life and how easy it can be to see the grass as being greener on the other side of a computer screen when in fact it's probably just the same grass you've been standing on, just in another part of the yard

Anyway....no judgements here, just thinking that there may be a way to put those energies into perhaps reviving what seems to have diminished in your marriage......love is like a garden that needs tending to.....if you don't take care of it with some tender loving care, fertilizing and watering the weeds can take over.

Or like a car it needs regular maintenace in order to run well.

I hope some of this helps and allows you a different perspective on what may be happening.

In any case, I hope that you can find a way to find the happiness you deserve.

~ Ivory

Last edited by Ivorygirl; 02-05-2013 at 04:19 PM.

 
Old 02-05-2013, 06:50 PM   #3
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viper160 HB User
Re: married and in love with girl from High School Days

Thank you for your advice it is very appreciative. I have talked to my wife over the past few months... I am trying to a lot for the community and do good and I am just not supported. It is hard to be me. There are some trust issues too for me.. 1) she kissed a girl at work and 2) she asked an ex to buy her a bunch of Old Navy clothes that gave her everything when she was with him.. she asked him to send it to her moms house... so I wouldn't find out. She doesn't know I know this.. she left her messenger up on the computer and replied to her. then 3) her and her best friend quit being friends because she didn't agree with her flirting with a guy at work, but she tells me she was just talking football... I just don't know.. I am not trying to do the wrong thing but I am just confused and have mixed feelings about everything

She has given me ulitimatiums like the project I am working on or our marriage and has told me I can not do any more things like that, because it takes too much of my time. She also thinks a lot of my things like saving a local historic site is a waste of time.

The girl from school I liked a lot back in school and I was to shy back then. Now we didn't mean for anything just started talking about things going on and it went from there. She volunteers a lot and does things for people and supports me and thinks what I am doing is great.

My thing is no matter what someone gets hurt... I love my kids and want to be there for them. I just want to be happy and not feel like everything I am trying to do is pointless and worthless.

I value anyone opinions and thoughts on all of this.

 
Old 02-07-2013, 10:12 AM   #4
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metalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB Usermetalzombie HB User
Re: married and in love with girl from High School Days

Well, you need to make a decision to work on your marriage or to move on. It's good to have support for yourself and your endeavors, but that doesn't solve what's wrong in your marriage. I agree that you need to be careful with the facebook thing and fostering a relationship with someone while you are still married.

Spending time with your family is important. I am not saying that your good deeds aren't important, but maybe they are taking up more time than you realize and you are neglecting your family? Maybe you should go to marriage counseling?

 
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