Hi guys I am desperate and I would like some advice. I read the posts every now and then but now I need help.
I have been in a relationship for a year and 2 months and well it has been awesome, we spend some time together (I am in college so every moment i can get I spend it with her) we enjoy each other company, love and affection, we rarely have a fight (only 2 from what I can remember) and we know each other families. I always thought it was all perfect and that she was the one but well it is hard to say it.
Ok, 3 weeks ago my father died, I have been having a tough time (all of my family is) specially dealing with the fact that no matter how hard I tried to not think about it, everyone and everything reminds me that he is gone...
I would like some help with that too but it is the wrong board.
What I want to say is that over the last few days (since last week) I have resented it the most and I have been all distant and weird with her, I take a lot of time to answer her texts or I do not answer them, I try not to talk to her or meet her (I have time to see her but I do not do it), I do not feel the love I used to, she gets in my thoughts rarely and well i feel like a douche.
I do not know what is happening to me, she says I am not the person I used to be, that my smile and laugh are gone and I feel as if the cheerful guy I was died with him.
The thought of breaking up with her has crossed my mind but I do not think like it is the right thing to do. I need help and I do not want her to keep suffering for me. What should I do? I know I am young but I really feel like she was the one or is i do not know now. Help.
The following user gives a hug of support to RocKanshu: growagourd (02-09-2013)
Your message is very clear, and please do not apologize for anything. When someone has something meaningful to express, almost any words can convey your message.
First of all, so sorry for the loss of your father. You have every right to be confused and very sad at this time, and your relationship has to take a back burner until you can process this all.
We all take the loss of our parents with great emotion and we all need to take the greatest care of ourselves during this time. That includes being very patient with ourselves and others while things have time to settle a bit.
This is not the time to make drastic changes with anything of great importance. The feelings you have at this moment could very well change tremendously in time. If your healing does not seem to include your relationship as helpful, then that is for you to decide. Perhaps your girlfriend would understand your need for time to yourself.
If you do not feel you can have an in depth discussion about this with her, I would at least give her an honest explanation of your position, just to keep things fair to her as well as yourself.
None of us can predict how we will take the loss of our parents, but it is something most of us will experience at some point. For our own best interest, keeping such huge emotions bottled up inside is not the best idea. Let your feelings out, and the best outcome for you will be your choice, once you know all the options.
Put your needs first, while you are healing, and protect your heart and your spirit from anything that does not feel right. Be patient with yourself while you heal, no one knows better than you what you need. Treat yourself with care, you deserve it.
Best to you...
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to growagourd For This Useful Post: RocKanshu (02-09-2013), Thisby (02-09-2013)
I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died last year in May and I'm still not over it at all. Losing a parent is an excruciatingly painful loss, not something you can just get over in a short time. I'm assuming that your girlfriend hasn't lost a parent yet so she doesn't understand how it feels. She needs to learn to understand how deeply this loss has affected you. You are still in mourning and if you don't feel like being cheerful or laughing or whatever then no one has the right to tell you that you need to be. Until she loses a parent herself she won't understand what you're going through and why you have changed. Yes you have changed and you're not the same guy you were before. I have seen this happen in my own family too. All of us are now different than we were before we lost my dad. But not in a bad way, it's not bad, but it is different. That's something that people don't understand or appreciate until they go through it themselves.
You say that you don't know what's wrong with you but there's nothing wrong, you're just going through the normal stages of grief. You are probably a little depressed too and that's ok and normal. I think you just need to tell your girlfriend that you miss your dad and some days are harder than others but you're doing the best that you can to keep going. And that it would really help if instead of criticizing you for your grief that she would instead be supportive and have some compassion for your loss. And if she can't do that then personally I would tell her to get lost.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: RocKanshu (02-09-2013)
Three weeks is hardly long enough for you to have mourned and gotten back to your old self. You didn't actually say how your girlfriend was dealing with your behaviour. What you've quoted from her read more like statements of facts - and correct ones - than any kind of feeling about it. I can't tell if she's being supportive and just wants you happy again (which is normal) or if there's more too it.
Anyway, you shouldn't go making any decisions about breaking up with her while you are still so upset about your dad. You need time to mourn and be angry and all those things - adding a breakup to it doesn't achieve anything. If your relationship is as good as you wrote, you will get past this.
The Following User Says Thank You to Thisby For This Useful Post: RocKanshu (02-09-2013)
First of all thanks guys, your words are very helpful to me.
One thing that I find very confusing is that she says to me that she has tried it all and that now she is desperate because she cannot think of anything else to do to help me (she was with me at the vigil, she tried to distract me and make me think of other things when I was with her and she gived me the usual words of relief. I have to say that she told me more by text than in person).
She says that she is in pain because of my current situation and that she suffers when I do not answer her texts.
I feel like I have to talk to her about this but I do not know how to tell her that I want some time alone.
I did something not so good about this situation, we shared each others facebook passwords a long time ago (I thought it was something about confidence and I never used it to see something, until now), today I felt somewhat curious and I accesed her account (a voice in my head told me to do it, not literally I am not crazy, I think) and I got mad about some things I found, she told her close friends about my loss and asked for advice about her situation and well I do not think it was correct, I know I cannot talk about correct things if I invaded her personal space but I did not told anyone except a handful of really close friends about what happened.
I do not know if I am getting out of line or something but I need to share this with someone, I am not ready to talk to anyone about my deepest thoughts and feelings, I am sorry for, I do not know but I am sorry.
Going back to the point her friends told her that even in my current situation I had no right to do those things to her and I should apologize to her and told her to ignore me and wait for me to go look for her, apparently she listened to them (she barely talked to me and was ummm different from her usual self)
This did not make my situation better and I feel like crap, I do not know how I should behave or what should I do, I am getting swallowed by this void I feel inside of me and (I am sorry) I need some advice. Please.
In one way, you are very lucky to have discovered this lack of empathy and feeling for you in this girl. It is ALL about her, isn't it? She is trying to be the centre of attention. She sounds just like my son's ex wife - when he got very ill, she carried on about no one understanding HER stress, and abused him for not being cheerful and expressing any negative feelings. In the end, when it became clear that he would be a permanent invalid, she dumped him. Your girlfriend has no empathy or even sympathy for you, she wants her bf back - the one who is totally attentive 24/7 etc etc. this is what it will be like whenever you have any bad things happen. You are on your own with it, and will never get any support from her. Sera
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: RocKanshu (02-10-2013)
Your girlfriend and all of her friends who said those things to you are completely wrong! Please know that all of your feelings right now are completely normal and very similar to what I have been through. Sometimes I just want to be left alone too because I'm sad and I don't want to talk to anyone. That is how it goes when someone is in mourning. For her or her friends to not understand this means that they are never going to get it and you're better off without people like that in your life.
It has only been 3 weeks!! How can any reasonable person expect you to be all cheerful after only 3 weeks?!? For me, only 3 weeks later I was still not back at work full time because I would be sitting at my desk trying to work and I would start crying and couldn't stop so I would have to go home. It is so hard at first just to get through the days and yes there are times when you don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone because you just need some time to be sad. That is the nature of mourning.
Your girlfriend and all of her friends who gave her that terrible and wrong advice are extremely immature, selfish, and clueless. It is clear to me now that they have never lost a close family member so they don't understand, at all, how hard this has been for you. I am still of the opinion that if she won't be compassionate and supportive of you right now at the time when you need it most then you don't need her in your life.
Once you go through this, you truly get to see who your real friends are. Those who do their best to be helpful are the ones you should keep near you. And those who make you feel guilty for being sad or who refuse to be understanding of your pain are the ones you should cut loose and leave at the curb.
Here is what you need to tell her. Tell her that you don't need her to try to cheer you up or get you over this faster. Say that this is not helping at all. What you need is for her to understand how hard it is to wake up in the morning sometimes because it hurts. And there will be times when you don't feel like talking to anyone which has nothing to do with her, but has everything to do with being sad about the loss. Tell her that there's nothing anyone can say that will make this hurt go away any faster because mourning doesn't work that way. And tell her that what you need from her right now is patience, understanding, support and compassion. If she feels like she can't give that to you then that will be a big problem for you. So it's her choice whether she wants to be a good girlfriend and do what needs to be done or be a bad girlfriend and ignore your feelings completely.
Last edited by Kszan; 02-10-2013 at 06:46 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: RocKanshu (02-10-2013)
You are grieving. You have every right to do so and in your own time. You do not have to be cheerful. Time is the only thing that will heal you. You need compassion and understanding.
Don't make any rash decisions where your relationship is concerned while you are in a state of mourning. Once you have healed, you may feel differently about things. You don't need to make any major life-changing decisions while you are grieving.
I agree with Kszan about how to handle your girlfriend right now. I also agree with Seraph. After you have been through your grieving process and you feel better, you should think about what Seraph has said. It could be that your girlfriend is so busy trying to be a solution that she is not thinking clearly about things either or maybe she is not as emotionally mature as she should be or she is as Seraph has said.