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-   -   Need Help! Trust Issues Abound... (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/938724-need-help-trust-issues-abound.html)

Matt2005usaf 02-09-2013 02:00 PM

Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
Hello there.

I have had a girlfriend for the last year and 3 months. Prior to that I was married for a little over 4 years. The woman I was married to cheated on me and left me for a married man. We had issues for about a year but I was always under the impression that we were working on our marriage issues. So the relationship ended horribly and it really left a bad taste in my mouth. Every one of my relationships have ended in heartache for myself. And I believe all of this is weighing on my current relationship. I have a hard time trusting the woman I am with now. We live together and we have had major issues the last 4-6 months now. I love her with all my heart and I am completely in love with her, but I continue to push her away with all my questioning and untrusting ways.

I want to spend all of my time with her and I give her my full undivided attention 24/7. I do anything she asks me to do and I feel I maybe do that because I want to keep her happy so that she doesn't leave me. I've always had slight trust issues with women, and I think that goes all the way back to my childhood. My real mom was never around for me and used me as a way to get child support from my father to support her drug and smoking habits. I don't know what my issue is, if I even have one, or if my girlfriend is the problem.

She has never done anything physically to make me not trust her. The only thing she has done is talk to some of her ex boyfriends on Facebook about the possibility of getting back together and she talked to some random dude on yahoo about her sexual fantasies. She likes to go to clubs about once a week and she knows everybody (literally). I've been with her a few times but it generally turns out badly because I see some guy put his grubby hands around her and it sends me off the deep end. She talks to all the guys in the club and knows most of them. They buy her drinks and she has conversations with them. She hugs them and sometimes kisses them on the cheek.

She does not text or talk to these guys on the phone but calls them her friends. She very rarely introduces me as her boyfriend and she goes around with her single cousin/best friend talking to all these guys. When we go I generally do not have a good time because we arrive together and she runs off with her cousin and leaves me to myself. She will occasionally come around to me. I feel she acts single when we go out but I don't know if that is the case or if I'm crazy. She has a very outgoing personality so that has a lot to do with her talking to everybody. We can't go anywhere without running into 5 people she knows. We spend hours in Walmart because of the conversations.

I am not so outgoing on the other hand but I want to be more outgoing like her. I literally have no guy friends other than coworkers. I had a few female friends but they were very touchy feely and told me they loved me and stuff and my girlfriend didn't like that...so now I have no friends. She is boy crazy and she enjoys the attention she gets from men. we cant go anywhere without her pointing out some "hot" guy. I really feel as if she is out of my league. She is beautiful and I do not feel that I look good enough for her. She wants me to get counseling and she says she can't be with me if I don't get some help.

Am I crazy? Do I need help? Should I rethink my relationship? Is she the crazy one? Please help me! I feel as if I am going crazy and I don't know how much more I can take...

Seraph 02-09-2013 11:51 PM

Re: Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
It is strange that although we know what we need in a partner, we continue to try to fix our primary relationship with a parent by continually choosing partners who bring up the same old feelings that we grew up with. Your mother let you down and put you last in her priorities, and your partners seem to be doing the same. This one, for example is treating you like a backup companion to have when all the more interesting people are not available. You know this; a normal outgoing person can still include her significant other in her friendships. You feel second best, just as you did as a child. This is, at the moment, your default status. Your work is to nurture and value yourself as a person worthy of being "number one" to a partner, and not be trying to continually repair the damage your mother did you by revisiting it with your partners. Whether it is through reading or therapy, look into this so that you can move on into healthy adult relationships. Sera

metalzombie 02-11-2013 07:11 AM

Re: Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
I agree with Seraph. Your girlfriend seems quite selfish and has the need to be the center of attention. If my boyfriend behaved as you say your girlfriend does, I wouldn't trust him either.

Matt2005usaf 02-11-2013 05:17 PM

Re: Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
I appreciate the responses from both of you very much. If I end it now I would feel as if I've wasted time. Should I get professional help and see where it goes from there? She says all of her actions are just reactions to the way I treat her. I say little comments and can sometimes be a dick before she goes out for a night. She is a very reactionary person. She enjoys ******* me off for no reason just to then come back and tell me she loves me. She is not a very loving person since her folks never showed her much attention. She makes me feel as if I am the crazy one but honestly I don't know. What do I do here???

Seraph 02-11-2013 07:59 PM

Re: Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
Firstly nothing is ever wasted if it brings you insight into your life. Everything is a learning experience, The only timewasting is repeating our behaviours over and over without knowing why.
There are two issues here. The first is your own choices and you seem to choose women who will treat you badly and you need to address this.
The other issue is the girlfriend. She sounds like a manipulative narcissist. Read up on this and see if any of it fits. Your first stage of breaking this pattern is to realise that you do not deserve to be treated this way and that you will not allow it. If that means ditching this one, then so be it. So rether than wasting time, this relationship will have brought you to a real turning point in your life and you will be aware of behaviour that reinforces your acceptance of deserving to be treated badly.
I hope this makes sense. Sera

metalzombie 02-12-2013 06:00 AM

Re: Need Help! Trust Issues Abound...
 
As long as you learn something, you aren't wasting your time. You realize that you should not be mistreated. You recognize that there are some things you need to work on in yourself. You have come to a place that many, many people never reach and you have the opportunity to heal and grow. If you break it off, you can focus on just you. Once you have taken care of you, then you can seek out and find that special person.

Please don't buy into the "you make me this way" line. We are all responsible for our behaviors regardless of what anyone else says or does. No one forces your girlfriend to do the things she does. She does what she does by her own choice.


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