| (female) |
Join Date: Feb 2013
Did I deserve him doing these things behind my back? Do I forgive & let go?
Just came across this site. Noticed how kind & helpful the ladies are here, decided I'd seek advice from you girls. This might be long, and to some - may be even ridiculous, but please bare with me.
I have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years (we are both in our early 20's.) We've been best friends for 5 years. Back then, there was a time he disappeared for 3 months over an argument and I still waited for him patiently, he came back and we eventually got past those obstacles and grew stronger as a couple. That argument was all my fault (I pressurized him to give me his physical affection, & he wanted to wait it out til marriage. So do I now.) He is my first and I am his.
He had literally never done anything to put me down & upset me. He was always very kind, respectful, loving & caring. He would save up his lunch money just to buy me gifts & make me happy. He's always bought me/got me any & everything I wanted (obviously, nothing too expensive.) Whenever I've felt down, he was always there to give me his shoulder & wise words. When one of my family relatives passed away, he would stay up all day & night long just to keep me company and comfort me. There was also a time when my phone's battery died while I was on the phone to him at night (we were long distant), he got so sick worried that he stayed up all night calling up our friend to ask if I was alright, checking up on the news & waiting to hear from me.
The only thing he's ever done to upset me, when we had only just started dating was that he'd spend hours on the phone with his friend's girlfriend (who was a flirt.) She told me that my boyfriend had complimented her voice. He did apologize for it and never repeated it again. He also stopped talking to her on the phone.
Other than that one incident, he was just perfect. He truly did bring the best out of me.
For the past years, I've been going through a lot of family problems. The past 2 years were the worse. I went through verbal abuse on a daily basis, day and night.. I couldn't sleep peacefully, I couldn't spend the day at home peacefully, I couldn't even spend my time in my own bedroom peacefully without being verbally abused. It was traumatizing. My boyfriend who right now lives in a different continent (he should be back in a few months), was extremely supportive throughout it all.
Only thing is.. I've treated him horribly. I would bottle everything up at home, then end up taking it all out on him. I can honestly say, I was very very cruel to him. I've sworn at him, called him names, belittled him, put him down, hurt him, left him to feel lonely & stressed.. This went on for a year. He would still stick by my side, no matter how many times I'd tell him to just give up on me. He would say "It's upto you how you treat me, but I will always be there for you. I love you." He would still do any & everything to make me happy. The amount of guilt, regret and pain I feel for having put him through this is immense. I deserve being slapped.
There would be days I'd be completely normal & be myself with him, but most days would be just me snapping at him for stupid things.. The trauma I was going through at home should never be an excuse for me to have done that to him.
Whenever him & I would be long distant, we'd play MMOs to hang with each other (not at ALL times, we would also do other things.) Recently, he's been addicted to WoW. We had both originally planned to play it together, but he's been playing it with other people now. I've never minded him having his space, & just hanging with his friends on MMOs, you know? He used to play video games with his friends, even though he'd ask me to join in I'd just let him have his fun with his friends. But whenever I'd be around, he'd ditch his friends for me.. I would tell him to just continue, but he'd turn down his friends & tell them that he's going off to spend time with his girlfriend. He would only play when I'd go to sleep.
WoW is different though. He's made a girl character on there, and has lied to everyone about his gender. Whenever I would ask him to play it with me, he would become aggressive and refuse, and even go as far as raising his voice at me (I remained calm.) He would say that he wanted to play by himself, and I'd ask him why he was fine with hanging with complete strangers on there but not me, he would just reply with "It's just a preference." He wouldn't even allow me to watch him play.
Obviously, this made me feel suspicious. I asked him if he's been flirting with other girls on there (such as complimenting them, or even hearting at them), and he swore on his mom's life and my life that he didn't. He had given me his account info, so I didn't think he'd have anything to hide..
I decided to make a character on that game & join his Guild. I found out that he's been calling random girls "beautiful / cute". I even found some of his chatlogs from Teamspeak, he saw a girl's picture & told her "AWWWWWWWWWWW, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL." And has said things such as "yess I love you <3 / MY LOVE / I miss you tooo / you're super super beautiful / you're cuter." And also went on about how he liked the way the female character looked (with see-through garments) when its armors were off.
I'm not the type of girl that would be as unrealistic as to think that just because he's with me, he can't acknowledge that another girl or even guy is good looking. What hurt was him using the word 'beautiful' for another girl, and having done it behind my back.. At first, he said he only did it for me to find out so I could break up with him (because he might not be able to support me financially anytime soon.) Obviously that was a lie. I confronted him & showed him his chatlogs, he apologized & said he was only trying to talk like a girl.. He said he wanted his girl character to be a 'completely different person', & that he talked with the mindset of a girl. He also explained that he didn't get 'turned on' or anything by the looks of the female character without the armor, but he got turned on by the thought of seeing me like that (TMI, my apologies.) It hurt for him to look at another girl (be it virtual) like that, because he'd always convince me that I was the only girl he's ever looked at in a 'perverted' way. He said it again last night. (Just to add, he's never watched porn again after the age of 13-14. I'm sure of it. I've admitted to him to watching it here & there when we were together. He didn't like it but he trusted me not to do it again, which I don't.)
He explained that when he called other girls beautiful, it wasn't with emotions. His jaw didn't drop, nor did he smile like he does with my pictures. He said he only said it because that's how girls compliment each other, usually..
I'm in touch with his uni guy friends, and they've always told me that he's only ever had his eyes for me & was never interested in other girls. I do believe their words because whenever my boyfriend has done something wrong (rarely), they've never tried to back him up on it, but instead, talk to him about it.
I've told him to give that game a 2 months break, but he wasn't willing to even if it meant us ending. I also asked of him to delete those girls he's been 'flirting' with (he says it wasn't flirting, but rather him just trying to talk like a girl would), but he wasn't willing to do so either. I might've made unreasonable demands, though.
He offered to let me watch him play, and do whatever on his PC. I can connect to his PC through remote access at any moment. He also said he wouldn't neglect me anymore over WoW, because for the past 3 months, he would refuse to do anything with me for too long because he'd prefer to just play that game. I can say there's been some improvements, he hasn't been on WoW as much whenever we're together.
I'm going to be completely honest; In the past 4 years, I had NEVER felt the need to ever spy him. I had my complete trust in him. He had never done anything to create doubts. He's also told his family that he wanted to marry me, they weren't too happy at first (my family wasn't either, because we belong to two different cultures) but he tried to the best of his abilities for us.
I cannot help but feel like he wouldn't have done any of that behind my back if it wasn't for me to treat him this way. I truly regret what I've done to him, and I am ashamed. I've asked my boyfriend countless times lately, if he still loves me as much & wants to be with me. He says he does, but is just tired of these conversations / arguments.
Has what my boyfriend done a reason for me to break up? I may have been a total b*tch to him, but I was never dishonest.. He's never done anything to break my trust before this, he would always come straight home from uni & spend his entire day with me. I want to be able to trust him again, but I don't know. I don't have the heart to break things off, I just feel so empty without him. Should this relationship be given another chance? I just can't see myself being with anyone else..
Am I overreacting to all of this?
I'm so sorry for the length of this post. Thank you so very much if you do read this. I appreciate all advice / opinions.