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Old 03-24-2013, 04:26 PM   #1
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Trust and communication

I have known a woman now for almost 9 years and we have been dating for most of those years. We have had break ups and found drawn to each other again and again. Just recently been back together again for a couple of years which we have taken it slow, things have come out but before I can tell you more on that, let me set the stage up. just a week ago, we were supposed to go to a stock show and it's something we have done every year without fail. As I mentioned before, we had been taking it slow, almost rebuilding our relationship again. As we walk in the grounds she reaches for my hand to hold and I freak out. All of the sudden a million thoughts go through my head but of course how can I explain to her why I'm freaking out about it. I try and choose my words carefully but it didn't seem like I did. I sometimes have trouble with choosing the right words because it feels like my brain and mouth are not connected, or I use the wrong word to express an idea; for example. If I were to say, "he is very tall up there on the ladder", I know this sounds ridiculous but what I actually mean is that, "he is very high up on the ladder"; the ladder may have been a tall ladder but of course I mixed up the two ideas to try and describe that concept. Well, as for the stock show and our conversation, I don't remember everything that I said but apparently I said, in trying to explain why I was so freaked out about holding hands, that it was a sign of things moving in the direction of a "real" relationship. Of course that wasn't what I meant, that everything that we have been through wasn't a "real" relationship. The thought behind that statement was supposed to be a serious relationship and not just real. Maybe my brain couldn't focus and lost track of the thought in mid sentence but that is what she took from it. She stormed out, walking as fast as she could out of the grounds and me following trying to keep up with her. We get into my vehicle and we start driving back...silence for most of the trip until we get closer to home. I keep trying to explain myself but it's just not working. I tried explaining that I cared for her and that I didn't want to hurt her; that I loved the fact that she looked for me and that I always looked forward to seeing her and hearing from her but i was scared. Scared of hurting her again as I have other times before; that I didn't want to hurt her by straying and getting bored in the relationship and get tired of her...You see, the story behind this is that I cheated on her a few years back with a married woman. She didn't know this fact but that was what was running through my head as I'm trying to explain why the holding hands issue freaked me out so much. All she took from everything that I had said was that it wasn't a "real" relationship which was not at all what I was thinking. We arrived at my place where she had her car, collected her stuff, got in her car and just drove away leaving me standing alone on my driveway. The only thing I could think of at that moment was, she needs some time to herself; I don't know what else to say, don't know how to fix things. So this was on a Friday, Saturday came then Sunday and not communication. Work week started and I tried burying myself in work and not think of what was happening until Friday came along and I couldn't take any longer. I had written a letter of how I felt for her, how I missed my movie partner, my drinking partner, my dinner partner...my partner and I sent it to her phone. A couple of hours passed with now response so I jump in the shower and sure enough I hear knocking at the door. I jump out and answer and it's her. The first thing she tells me is, "you can't just send me a letter like that!" Told her, I'm sorry, I just had to. I keep trying to explain what my thoughts were the last Friday at the stock show and I told her that I was scared for a reason, I didn't want to be like my dad.--- I lost my parents when I was almost 2 years old but I've heard stories of them and one story in particular that stands out about my dad. He had his wife and 4 kids and as the story goes, my mom was in labor with my little brother but as fate would have it, they both did not make it through labor. After learning about this, my dad went into depression; didn't eat, didn't take care of himself so 6 months after my mom and little brother died, so did my dad. The rest of this story is that my dad cheated on my mom with multiple women during their life together but at the end, those other women could not fill that void that was left by my mom.---So no, I don't want to be like my dad in that respect. I don't want to cheat on my partner so I decided to tell her the truth about what I had done years back. She was upset and rightly so but she continued on to say that she had lied as well. She slept with someone also when we were going through a rough patch in our relationship year ago and she also went on to say that she slept with someone else a few days after the stock show incident between us. She tried explaining that she was trying to get over me, that that night she just wanted to run away from me for saying the things that I said, that she didn't want to think of me anymore....I had no idea that she thought that I didn't see it as a "real" relationship. That wasn't what I meant, that wasn't what I was saying or at least in my head that is not what I was thinking but I guess I couldn't explain myself well enough. I asked her why did she do that, that is not what I meant, why didn't you ask me, why didn't you at least tell me something in reference to the "real" relationship part of what I said. She went on to say that I couldn't hold that against her, that as far as she saw it, I didn't see it as a real relationship so why should she feel bad about it. Am I wrong for thinking that it's wrong for her to do that? Regardless of who it is, it's wrong to just go sleep with someone else to try and forget about a person. It's just wrong and she continues to say, I'm not sorry, you can't hold that against me.

Right before she told me that she had slept with someone just a few days ago, I was apologizing to her for not being as vocal as I should've been with telling her how much she meant to me, how I wanted a life together. So it was certainly surprised to hear what she told me; I felt like I didn't know her anymore. I kept thinking, how can someone that supposedly cares for you go out and do that. I know I'm not perfect, no angel but I have been trying to make up for my mistakes but how can I move past this situation of her sleeping with someone else because she assumed something that I was not thinking at all? How can I even think of even building a life together with someone who I feel will go looking for someone else when she thinks that I'm doing something, or not saying what she wants to hear? I can't stop thinking about her but I also can't stop thinking about the fact that she gave up that intimacy so easily to someone else...I don't know what to do.

 
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Old 03-24-2013, 08:01 PM   #2
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Re: Trust and communication

You both need to get off this merry go round. It's gone on far too long and too much has happened for it to be fixed at this point.

Sometimes we meet people who we are inexplicably drawn to for many reasons but who we should not be with for many more reasons. This is definitely one of those situations. There comes a point where you both need to recognize that it's not working, not going to work, and despite that thing drawing you together constantly, it's never going to be enough to sustain a healthy and normal relationship for you two. This sounds like it has been a major roller coaster relationship with far too much on again/off again.

At this point, there has been too much shady behavior by you both behind each others backs, and not just any shady-ness but the worst possible kind of thing, that is, cheating. While there may be out there in the world people who claim to have "forgiven and forgotten" their significant other's infidelity, the fact is that once that trust is broken and the person's loyalty and integrity is brought into question, it will always be there in the back of the other person's mind and it will never go away. She will never forget that you cheated and you won't ever forget that she did too. It's impossible.

For you, I think it's important to take some time off from relationships and figure out why you would "get bored" and feel the need to cheat on someone you claim to love and care about. Make yourself a promise to always have open communication with your partner so that you can work through whatever problems come up before they grow to an unbearable level that causes arguments and resentment. If you want to have a successful relationship in the future, that's what is needed.

 
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Old 03-25-2013, 04:50 AM   #3
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Re: Trust and communication

I agree with Kszan. It is not only a merry-go-round, it is also a roller coaster. You have known each other for nine years, and yet there is too much drama in your lives. Either you are incompatible, or you both need to do your homework. What does "build a life together" mean to you and to her? You have to decide. You have to see if you have the same view on that, or if you contemplate the same goals in your lives. At least, a couple of common goals. Otherwise it will not work. Unlike Kszan, I think it is possible to get over the cheating part and rebuild a relationship. It may be a bit harder, but it is still possible. But first of all you must be prepared to grow (up), cut all the drama in your lives, and decide what you have in common and what common goals you aim at, so that a life together can make sense.

 
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:13 AM   #4
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Re: Trust and communication

Hi, it is not your words that are the problem rather it is your action; the action of shaking off her hand when she tried to hold yours. Here is a woman you have shared your life with for 9 years and you fein her affection, no excuse for that......you hurt her without saying a word. I get tired of reading about women who get hurt and go into a suicidal depression.....not her, she found affection in the arms of another, how refreshing,,good for her.

 
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Old 03-25-2013, 04:15 PM   #5
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Re: Trust and communication

I appreciate what every one had to say about my situation; I will certainly take it to heart. I am torn between continuing to keep our relationship or go our separate ways. I have tried to stay away for these last couple of days and give her space. Last time we talked, on Saturday, she had more questions for me and I answered them truthfully regardless of the consequences. I had so many questions for her, why did you cheat on me first, why didn't you talk to me, why did you only reveal this to me after I told you that I did, etc. but I just didn't. After our conversation, she fell asleep on my couch and I just sat there quietly looking at her and contemplating everything. After a while, she awoke and I escorted her to her car. As we stood there looking at each other, no words were exchanged but we simply hugged; held each other tight. I kissed her on her cheek and she drove away.

I understand that I hurt her through my actions years ago by cheating and a week ago by not holding her hand. The only thing I had in mind was, "I don't want to hurt her anymore" but looks like I did anyway. It feels like regardless of what I think and what I feel, I'm always wrong. It felt like my reasons, regardless of how stupid they sounded to her or anyone else, had no validity. I am not the same person that I was years ago when I cheated; I have grown so much since then, emotionally, mentally and spiritually but it feels like I will never live down my infidelity.

A couple of facts that I left out of this story, besides her cheating on my first, she admitted to me that she had sex with two other men while during one of our break ups. Now, of course, we have this last time when I didn't hold her hand and she misunderstood what I had to say. I never meant that it wasn't a "real" relationship, my mouth just couldn't catch up to my brain to get my point across. It is because of that misunderstanding that she had sex with this other man. I understand what I did when I didn't hold her hand but regardless of the fact that she went and found comfort through sex with someone else, I believe that is wrong, just wrong. Emotionally, psychologically; you don't just fill a void with sex, with someone you hardly know. The fact is that I know we should walk away from each other but as we all know, easier said than done. Especially when I think about our embrace on Saturday.

As I mentioned, I have changed a lot during the last two years. I have my own business and have tried to keep communication lines open with everyone, friends, family, employees but especially her but one of the things weighing down on me was my infidelity so regardless of where our paths may lead us, I'm glad it's out in the open now. All I can do is strive to be better than I was yesterday...

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 10:03 AM   #6
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Re: Trust and communication

wow I see some passive-aggressiveness and a failure to communicate here.....
I'm not sure this can work....I'm thinking you might be better off as friends

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:13 AM   #7
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Re: Trust and communication

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
wow I see some passive-aggressiveness and a failure to communicate here.....
I'm not sure this can work....I'm thinking you might be better off as friends
I see Rosequartz's point. My main concern, though, is about how different you guys are from each other: you tend to be more thoughtful, going over what has happened in the past, what you did, what she did, the consequences, etc, so that you feel stuck at times, whereas she is a more impulsive, maybe even reckless type. She also sounds a bit immature, and you worrisome. She thinks on her feet, but you take a long time to make a decision. Maybe that's where Rosequartz sees the passive-aggressiveness thing....
Do you feel that those differences are for real and might be in the way of a healthy relationship?

Last edited by pendulum; 03-26-2013 at 03:39 PM.

 
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