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Old 03-26-2013, 07:45 AM   #1
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Discussing engagement

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We are in our 40s, both been married and divorced (for many years). We live together and have had some ups and downs like everyone.

Long story short, while my bf had family issues to take care of over the past two years his money was focused elsewhere and I supported the household we live in. Now that his situation has changed and his financial position will allow us to make plans for vacations etc he has been discussing engagement. He took me to look at rings and has been talking about it for about a month now.

In the meantime, he has made plans for baseball games, trips with his friends and extended money to his family. But he won't discuss wedding plans etc.

I have been supportive and understanding throughout all of these things, but I am getting impatient about being put off longer for an engagement when these other things keep coming up like friends and family. I have sacraficed a lot for this relationship and would like to feel like I am just as important as eveyone else who was put first.

Ideally I know it's not my business when we will get engaged, but I also feel like I have to sit by and wait while I see him make commitments with other people and it's all his way.

I know I can't force anything, and I don't. If we even try to discuss it he gets mad at me and that's the end of the discussion. In the meantime he just keeps doing what he wants.

Is this right? Am I selfish?

I feel frustrated but I feel selfish at the same time.

 
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:58 AM   #2
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Re: Discussing engagement

why the need to get married? whats wrong with the way things are?
do you think he would love you more once you're married?
do you think anything would change?
you've both been married and divorced and should realize by now that marriage doesn't change anything.....if you're not happy with the way he is now why do you think you will be after you have a ring on your finger?

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:02 AM   #3
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Re: Discussing engagement

I don't think it's a need to get married as much as a want to since we are committed and do have a lot of things in common and are happy about. This is one thing I am not happy about how it's being handled. I'm not looking for marriage to change things. This in no means is meant to be offensive to anyone, but I don't just want to be his gf or the person he lives with. I think we are beyond that.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:04 AM   #4
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Re: Discussing engagement

He gets mad when you want to discuss engagement and basically shuts down and ends the conversation? And you think you want to marry this guy?

Unless its a case where you're hounding him about it on a daily basis, in which case, yes, stop doing that. But if you're just trying to figure out where you stand and he refuses to tell you then you've got a big problem here. Maybe he isn't ready yet, maybe he is afraid of commitment, maybe he isn't sure you're the "one", it could be anything. But since you have no idea then what are you going to do and how long are you wait for him to decide?

I wouldn't wait too long. Time is ticking and the viable dating pool of eligible normal sane men without ten tons of baggage gets a lot smaller the older you get.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:09 AM   #5
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Re: Discussing engagement

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolverine19 View Post
I don't think it's a need to get married as much as a want to since we are committed and do have a lot of things in common and are happy about. This is one thing I am not happy about how it's being handled. I'm not looking for marriage to change things. This in no means is meant to be offensive to anyone, but I don't just want to be his gf or the person he lives with. I think we are beyond that.
you're his girlfriend now and the person he lives with.....I'm trying to understand what MORE you will be when you get married (obviously his wife)....but it's a lot less messy to end a relationship with a boyfriend or a guy you live with than it is a husband.......

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:13 AM   #6
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Re: Discussing engagement

Actually, he brought up the subject first, but then when I say anything (no, not on a daily basis) I'm not supposed to or he feels pressured. And I'm not pressuring him. He has said I am the one, that's what he said when he intially brought it up.

He has done this about other things. He can bring up issues or topics, but if I do I am automatically wrong. I am confused on how it's not pressuring when he brings it up but it is when I do.

Again, if he can make plans with everyone else and I took care of everything while he had some other financial obligations, how long do I wait before he puts me first?

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:15 AM   #7
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Re: Discussing engagement

there are other issues here that you are clearly not happy with......
don't rush this or you will regret it.....financially and emotionally
he's still yours......you don't need all the financial entanglement
once you tie up your SS# with someone elses, it can get very messy.......

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:16 AM   #8
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Re: Discussing engagement

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
you're his girlfriend now and the person he lives with.....I'm trying to understand what MORE you will be when you get married (obviously his wife)....but it's a lot less messy to end a relationship with a boyfriend or a guy you live with than it is a husband.......
Why would I go into anything or not go into anything because it's messy to end it?

I am not looking for more, I think it legitimizes a relationship (again not judging other people and their decisions).

We moved in together when we decided it was a long term relationship that we both wanted to commit to, meaning marraige.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:22 AM   #9
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Re: Discussing engagement

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolverine19 View Post
Why would I go into anything or not go into anything because it's messy to end it?

I am not looking for more, I think it legitimizes a relationship (again not judging other people and their decisions).

We moved in together when we decided it was a long term relationship that we both wanted to commit to, meaning marraige.
you are obviously not happy with him for OTHER issues.....not just this.....
I'm just trying to get you to look ahead......I'm just trying to save you some trouble down the line. You've both been married and divorced, so I'm hoping you aren't harboring the fantasy of "happily ever after".
You shouldn't need marriage to "legitimize" your relationship.
Are you afraid if you don't have a ring on your finger that he may leave you? I'm wondering if you're insecure. A secure person wouldn't care if they were married or not as long as they were with the person they love.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:33 AM   #10
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Re: Discussing engagement

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
you are obviously not happy with him for OTHER issues.....not just this.....
I'm just trying to get you to look ahead......I'm just trying to save you some trouble down the line. You've both been married and divorced, so I'm hoping you aren't harboring the fantasy of "happily ever after".
You shouldn't need marriage to "legitimize" your relationship.
Are you afraid if you don't have a ring on your finger that he may leave you? I'm wondering if you're insecure. A secure person wouldn't care if they were married or not as long as they were with the person they love.
I'm not thinking everything is happily ever after, nothing is perfect.

No, not afraid he will leave me if I don't have a ring.

I don't agree with your last two sentences. I don't think saying wanting to get married means someone is insecure (he brought it up, so is he insecure?). A lot of people get married, are they all insecure? No. Of course secure people want to get married.

I think maybe too much is being read into what I posted.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:39 AM   #11
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Re: Discussing engagement

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Originally Posted by Wolverine19 View Post
I'm not thinking everything is happily ever after, nothing is perfect.

No, not afraid he will leave me if I don't have a ring.

I don't agree with your last two sentences. I don't think saying wanting to get married means someone is insecure (he brought it up, so is he insecure?). A lot of people get married, are they all insecure? No. Of course secure people want to get married.

I think maybe too much is being read into what I posted.
I'm trying not to read too much into what you're posting, so forgive me if I am.....my point is you're both in your 40's, you're not an 18 year old girl.....I'm guessing you're not going to have kids......does it REALLY matter? and if this is SUCH an issue of contention with you both.....MAYBE that is indicitive of other problems.....which I am trying to save you from.....
do you think once you're married you will have some type of "say" to how he spends his money? then he won't be able to plan baseball trips, etc?

 
Old 03-26-2013, 08:55 AM   #12
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Re: Discussing engagement

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I'm trying not to read too much into what you're posting, so forgive me if I am.....my point is you're both in your 40's, you're not an 18 year old girl.....I'm guessing you're not going to have kids......does it REALLY matter? and if this is SUCH an issue of contention with you both.....MAYBE that is indicitive of other problems.....which I am trying to save you from.....
do you think once you're married you will have some type of "say" to how he spends his money? then he won't be able to plan baseball trips, etc?
I don't think marriage is only for people who are having kids. No, I don't think it gives me say on how he spends his money, anymore than it does now, we both have financial obligations to meet, if they are met you spend your money on trips etc. My point about the money was I took care of things for the last year and a half so he could take care of other things, (keeping in mind he brought up marraige a long time ago but was waiting to finanacially be in position) now that he is, he keeps planning other things.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 09:00 AM   #13
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Re: Discussing engagement

yes he's planning on other things.....NOW because he knows he can......
he can spend his money on what he deems fit at this point......once he's married he thinks he will have to "clear it" with you. He probably doesn't want to ask you if he can spend his money on baseball or make a loan to family, etc....and like you say "it's all his way"......this is what I'm trying to point out to you.......it's always going to be "all his way".....are you content to let him make all the decisions? If you marry him, that's how it will be and you are giving up your power.....

 
Old 03-26-2013, 09:05 AM   #14
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Re: Discussing engagement

Wow, I am sorry! Now I understand what you are saying! That is EXACTLY one of the problems here. And then this engagement thing becomes another one. I always feel like things go his way, his time, his decision. And I can't say anything or he withdraws as a punishment.

 
Old 03-26-2013, 09:19 AM   #15
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Re: Discussing engagement

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolverine19 View Post
Wow, I am sorry! Now I understand what you are saying! That is EXACTLY one of the problems here. And then this engagement thing becomes another one. I always feel like things go his way, his time, his decision. And I can't say anything or he withdraws as a punishment.
WHEW! Great....you understand me.....I was worried you thought I was picking on you, when I am trying to help you.....
this engagement thing is just ANOTHER example......
and if you can't say anything or he withdraws as punishment, that's Manipulation with a capital M. Now we're getting somewhere.....

 
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