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Old 10-25-2012, 10:25 PM   #1
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I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

I was in a 8 1/2 year relationship that ended a few months ago. i was 14 when i entered the relationship. Im 23 now . We had many sweet time and amazing memories ( traveling, college) but we also built up so much anger towards each other over the last few years ...i fund out he liked another girl ( 5 years ago) and he that he had feelings for her for about 2 years. he never did anything nor did she even know but the fact that he had feelings really devastated me. Also, when we broke up the first time, i started dating and he was hurting so much. We got back together and he held it upon me for years. Even though i never slept with this other man i dated, he would call me a ***** and this lasted until we broke up a few months ago. Then about a year ago he started hitting me every once in a while when we fight. he said i basically push him to the limit. I provoke him. im angry that he never apologizes for hitting me. and even for having feelings for that girl i had to push him to show me remorse. for this past year, we have been VERY VERY distant. He seems that he makes me an option and ive told him that ive felt lonely. FInally on july 4 2012 ..i broke up with him becuase i asked him to hug me and he said UGH ..im not that type of boyfriend to u. So i left him. he begged for forgivness and i came back and about a week or so he broke up with me. And now its been over for good for about 2 months. For the first time after all this mess, I am actually getitng to know someone slowly. the reason i write today is because last week , he asked me to see him ( my ex) and was crying hysterically asking for forgiveness. He gave me all our pics since we were 14. he said i can not do this to us. That we are meant to be. that he loves me so much that he will change and to please stop his pain. He said that he is sorry that he will regret this forever if i do not get back with him. Hes left me flowers on my car and has begged for forgiveness. He says that he wants to marry me and it was a mistake that he never asked. My parents ( my dad mostly and my aunt) never want me to get back with him. They believe he should have made that move of commitment before. They used to always tell me that he will never marry me that he is just "enjoying" this until he finds someone else. I dont know what to do, I like the guy i am talking to. He knows my situation and he is very respectful and kind. My ex contacts me almost once a week and cries his heart out. He holds his heart ( literally touches his chest) and tells me to stop his pain. I feel incredibly sorry, but i dont know what to do. I think it will be a mistake to get back with him and potentially lose a great guy i am currently talking to.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 02:49 AM   #2
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Wink Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

After all you have been through seems to be a lot but the problem is you both where so young when you started dating so with time everyone changes he unfortunately changed into a abusive partner and he had feelings for a grl for 2 years that is a bit long and nobody did nothing but he changed towards you and he thought he was happy without you and he was use to getting you back after you left each other but the change into a better person does not come fast and i think that he knows you like someone else he is starting to accept that he is losing you or he is jealous that someone else got your attention but your still young you where to tied down from the age of 14 and now you can use this time to explore the world more single than being in a relationship but be strong if you feel that he deserves another chance give it to him if he doesn't let it go the past is the past

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:05 AM   #3
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Abusive people like this are really good at manipulating their victims. Nobody does remorse better than them. Don't fall for it!! He will win you back and then it will play out the same way again. You and he are both different people from the two kids who got together. It has not survived your growing up and needs to be done with. Your life with him would be miserable and unsafe. You sound as if you have moved on and he hasn't. He has no doubt found that a grownup woman will not stand for his bullying. Sera

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 07:59 AM   #4
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

People change as they age and you have both changed over the years. No man should ever touch you, that would be the last straw for me.

Face the fact that you are no longer compatible and that you DESERVE someone better in your life.

Too many fish in the sea - date the other guy and find happiness again. You are not going to be happy with your ex, too much baggage.
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Old 10-26-2012, 08:05 AM   #5
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Thank u so much. He asked me the other day to please for the last time to give min a chance to talk. He started showing me pictures of us years ago very happy. He's like remember I'm the one who took u to new York the grand canyon etc etc. He told me that he will out a ring on my finger the moment I accept to get back into the relationship. I didn't agree. For the first time I'm not going back. I feel scared. I'm so afraid I'm making a mistake. I always remind him of the things he's told me . He has said awful things to me while we were together. .such as he would treat anyone else much better than me. He began crying telling me not to remind him of what he's said. That he was stupid to say those things

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:40 AM   #6
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

He doesn't want you to remind him because he doesn't want you to remember all of the horrible things he has said and done to you. He wants you to just forget it all as if it never happened. I'm sure he realizes now that he LOST so of course he is going to try every trick in the book to get you back. But it sounds like this new guy is a much better match for you because he is already treating you a lot better. The only mistake you could make now is going back to the ex where you already know there is nothing but more abuse waiting for you. It would be a huge mistake for you to go back to that. Stand your ground with him and tell him you are done talking with him it's over and he needs to leave you alone. That's it. Do not under any circumstances let him talk you into going back because he will hurt you again possibly worse than before. I'm sure you don't want that.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 02:40 PM   #7
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Im trying to move on...i think of him..today i was shopping thinking ..dam i could of been making this cake for him. I am dating..and this guy so far is amazing. But i know that i need to give myself time as well. I am afraid his words and his deep pain will bring me back. He emailed me today saying i am destroying him. Tht he cant live without me. That he wants to move to another state bec he cant stand the fact that im here but not with him. next week ( nov 1) would have been our 9 years. I am afraid he is going to try to talk to me. Unfortunately we go to the same school and UNFORTUNATELY we have a class together. I never go ...or i sit really far. Either way... I just need support. Thank u.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:28 PM   #8
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrygirl7 View Post
Im trying to move on...i think of him..today i was shopping thinking ..dam i could of been making this cake for him. I am dating..and this guy so far is amazing. But i know that i need to give myself time as well. I am afraid his words and his deep pain will bring me back. He emailed me today saying i am destroying him. Tht he cant live without me. That he wants to move to another state bec he cant stand the fact that im here but not with him. next week ( nov 1) would have been our 9 years. I am afraid he is going to try to talk to me. Unfortunately we go to the same school and UNFORTUNATELY we have a class together. I never go ...or i sit really far. Either way... I just need support. Thank u.
You should NEVER EVER stay or go back into a relationship out of guilt. Their happiness rest within themselves just like YOUR happiness is dependent on you and not anyone else. Your ex is trying all he can to guilt you back to him which is one of the worse reasons to go back.

I know it's easier said then done, but you have to remind yourself why he's your ex and all of those horrible things he did to you. People will try to promise you the world and tell you they will change but in reality that rarely happens. People only change (permanent that is) from within and not from pressure to make someone happy (so that they don't leave you) or to stop being nagged at.

You are young and have so much to look forward to. Sure, you may have had some good times, but that's the past now. You need to look out what's best for you. Going back to an abusive relationship is taking several steps back. Only YOU alone can decide whether you want to move forward.

If you decide not go back (which I hope you don't go) to your ex be very clear and firm with him that it's over. Don't let any hint that there is any possibility between you two because it's only going to prolong the problem.

He's a big boy and can take care of himself. If he can't move on that's his problem, not yours.

Good luck!!
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Last edited by baffomet; 10-26-2012 at 03:35 PM.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 04:00 PM   #9
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

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Originally Posted by strawberrygirl7 View Post
Tht he cant live without me. That he wants to move to another state bec he cant stand the fact that im here but not with him.
If I was you and he said that to me, I'd say to him - Good, get out of my face and don't ever speak to me again. That's it. Listen, it would be bad enough all of the horrible things he said to you but the fact that he also HIT you that is an unforgivable sin on his part which means he lost you forever. I don't care how sorry he is, when a man hits a woman the First time it's OVER, period, end of story. No second chances again ever. Do not allow yourself to become a statistic like so many other young girls who stupidly keep going back to an abusive guy especially since you seem to have an awesome new guy who is actually treating you right. A lot of girls would kill for a nice boyfriend and here you are taking this one for granted.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 05:22 PM   #10
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

No contact. That's the only way to end this. I know you feel sorry for him and you don't want to "be mean", but every time you talk to him or meet up with him it makes him believe he has a chance with you. And that's mean if you don't want to get back together (I wouldn't). So, stop talking to him and stop meeting up with him.

 
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Old 10-27-2012, 09:51 AM   #11
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

I am trying the best I can. This morning I received an ecard from him saying sorry and that he wishes I can love him again one day. Your advice truly helps me get through my day and the new guy I am talking to (been talking to him for a little over 2 months) is a great guy ..I don't want to lose him because of my ex. As I mentioned earlier I am worried about Nov 1. This was supposed to be our 9 year anniversary. And uunfortunately I have class that day. I know I'm going to turn in what's needed and leave but I'm afraid he's going to put so much guilt in me. He keeps telling me that I think he's a monster. He spent a whole night parked around my corner telling me he's a Monster" that he basically hated himself for doing this. I feel bad because I know I made a lot of mistakes..I know that I even provoked fights. I just KNOW that we tried too much to g ice it another shot. I have had it. I don't want to live with knowing what if he did change. I wanted to grow old with him. And what sucks is our hundreds of inside jokes and cute names haunt me. I know they haunt him too because he has already told me. I always return ...this time I really want to try something else but I'm also afraid of hurting The new guy as well...BBC he doesn't know exactly all of This going in my head. He knows I came out of a 8 1/2 year relationship and did agree to take it slow. But he is really starting to like me...I'm trying to let my heart open to This new experience. Is that smart. Thank u all for the advice..I'm so stuck in my life.

Last edited by strawberrygirl7; 10-27-2012 at 09:58 AM.

 
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Old 10-27-2012, 12:11 PM   #12
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Separation from a long-term partner is never a nice clean break with a line drawn under it. There is always stuff that hangs around, and in a lot of ways it is like a death - you suffer grief for the death of the hopes and dreams, the loss of that partner you thought you would get old with.
But remember, it is the relationship you miss, not the person. It is all the memories and the togetherness that you remember. What you are feeling has more to do with the loss of the relationship and less to do with wanting to get back with him. Be strong, you will never get it back, it is time for him and you to move on. Take no notice of his dramatics, it is easier for him to carry on and try this on then it is to make the effort to face up to not having you and getting on with his life. Do not answer or acknowledge his nonsense. Be totally upfront with the new guy, ask for his continued patience and understanding. I wish you the best, Sera

 
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Old 10-28-2012, 06:49 PM   #13
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Also remember that his goal isn't to change into a better person. His goal is to get you back. Once he's accomplished that he'll turn right back into the guy he's always been because that's the real him. Don't be fooled by his theatrics.

 
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Old 10-29-2012, 03:45 PM   #14
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

Thank you so much. I am currently trying to do something different. and that is not getting back with him. I went out this past weekend to San diego with the new guy im dating. I had a great time. Now that im home sitting on my bed im wondering ..what the hell am i doing. Sometimes i ask myself...Is jesse ( my ex) REALLY not here anymore. This November 1 ( thurs) would have been our 9 year anniversary. I am stronger than i was years before..because its been a few months and i never agreed to returning. ( usually i would give in to his tears of pain) he did text me the other day and it said.. " i love you." I told him that i do too but i think its best to stop textng because i do not want to get back together. I feel weird sometimes, SCARED and even think im going to have a panic attack when i think that hes really gone. how can i deal with this. Im so scared that im making a wrong decision. I know he didnt treat me right, but we did have amazing times and the cutest inside jokes, etc. I just need help

 
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:40 PM   #15
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Re: I am in need of advice. Please. 8 1/2 year relationship over

As long as you keep communicating with him those feelings will never go away.

 
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