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Old 05-11-2013, 11:50 AM   #1
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can't figure out what to do

(Trying to condense this. Sorry so long, though) I have had a best friend for 10 years. We work together but over the past year she became distant. I mentioned this but really got no reply except that I had not done anything but she had just changed. She has "taken up" with the women in the next office. They laugh, talk, and do things together outside of work. I know this because she's made sure that I overhear conversations or just outright talks about their shopping trips in front of me. She really was my only friend so it hurts everytime I hear these things. She does things for the women's children and is always so concerned about things (You know the drill). Yes, I am feeling jealous. I am embarrassed in front of other people who know us because I've been "dumped". I feel like a nothing. She was always so caring for my daughter, so concerned and all. My daughter just graduated and all she asked was how things went. No card, no text to my daughter. It hurt my daughter's feelings because she considered this person sort of like an aunt. I wondered if I should talk to my ex-friend about this. I have even practiced what to say! I want her to know that she hurt my daughter, that all it took was a "Congratulations" in a text. I want her to know that, yes, I've been the bigger person and have made no fuss, but that there were two people in this and one is hurting. I guess I feel like she at least owes me something so it's not so easy for her. What would you do? What should I do? I can't leave because I only have a couple of years until I can retire. I hate the thought of having to "see" this for that long? Any help is appreciated.

 
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Old 05-11-2013, 12:43 PM   #2
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Re: can't figure out what to do

Well, I think... hmmm, yes, I think you should talk to her. I am hesitating, because there is the real possibility that nothing will change. She might give you a lame excuse or something and will remain distant, or she may try to reapproach you just to please you, just for the sake of appearances, and you will sort of feel she is faking it, because it won't be like she was before. What I mean is, unless she tells you there was a very concrete and pausible reason for her withdrawal (something you said or did, but were not aware of, which I don't think is the case), this relationship is doomed. Like we say here: if rekindled, it will taste like reheated coffee, if you see what I mean. I am sorry about it, but this is how things happen sometimes. The bottomline she was not a real friend, you know. Yes, ask her about what happened to make her ignore you like that, but donot make it sound like like a regret. Do that just as a way to get it off your chest, but don't have expectations and, if anything, express your lack of understanding rather than showing your real pain.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-11-2013 at 12:44 PM.

 
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Old 05-11-2013, 02:21 PM   #3
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Re: can't figure out what to do

This is very hurtful and sometimes friends choose a different path. Are you friendly with the women from the other office? Also, I would try to make some other friendships in the office and take your mind off of her. Once you feel confident again then and only then would I approach her. I only say this because when we are hurt or angry the message will come across as that. You had already asked her and she gave you the classic excuse "it's me not you" which avoids any responsibility. I have cut ties with friends, wish them well but find that they are not there for me as I am there for them. A good friend would have included you in this new group she formed. It seems that she was a good friend to you but has moved on. Sometimes people come into our lives for a period of time and then leave...you can not get that feeling back so appreciate the friendship you had and let it go. She may get warmer with you once she see that you don't care...be kind to her and let her be. As far as your daughter goes, she is obliviously too wrapped up in her life to think of how hurtful that was to your daughter. Do not make an issue of it with your daughter so that your daughter will not feel left out and hurt. People change sometimes and it leaves us wondering why. Do not dwell on this but find happiness through other things...you don't need to waste anymore time on this so-called friend.

 
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:29 AM   #4
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Re: can't figure out what to do

Hi, if you really want her to reflect on her actions then treat her as a friend just as if nothing has happened and do not lower yourself to her level. Be as kind and thoughtful as you ever were to her, in other words kill her with kindness but do not go overboard and be too nice as if you are putting on an act. Go up to her and ask how she is doing and that you've missed her and leave it at that. Just because she has not been a good friend does not mean you have to. You do not want her to know how hurt your feelings are. If she has any feelings at all she will reflect on how good a friend you really are and she may have regrets ignoring you and being a bad friend.

 
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:08 AM   #5
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Re: can't figure out what to do

On second thought, don't talk to her, just leave her alone, move on, it is not worth your while. If you talk to her, she may become defensive or accuse you of chasing her up...

 
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