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Old 05-15-2013, 10:20 PM   #1
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Desperate for advice!!

I am in the worst situation. I have been a single mother and 3 years ago I met "THE ONE". I fell madly in love with him. Only to find out 2.5 years later he has a sordid past. Mostly it involves having sex with alot of women and dumping them after a few weeks or a couple months.

He married young due to getting a woman pregnant when he was 23 and he cheated on his wife for over 20 years and finally ended up leaving her 2 years after she had her hysterectomy and double masectomy due to breast cancer. He then listed himself on every dating/sex website that his divorce was "amicable" and ofcourse he was fishing for many women. Mostly promising them the world and after a few months dumping them.

Clearly he is charmer and attractive and an alpha male. That is what captivated me too. Ok so I can deal with all of that, but what I found out next has shook me.

I found out that his PA. that has worked for him for 7 years who also happens to be his first cousins wife, he has been sleeping with her for 15 years. She and him have been having a long term affair behind everyone's back,and even when his wife was sick with cancer. This woman, I will call her Mary, was giving me a funny vibe for 2.5 years and finally I caught her reading my private emails that I sent to him, and busted the lid on this thing. She was jealous of me. He dumped her years before but she has carried a torch for him. She ended up resigning when she was caught out. My guy and his first cousin are actually very close, and my guy had no problem sleeping with his wife.

Now in the last 3 years that we have been together I can say he has never made me feel insecure. He has shown me complete love,devotion,and generosity. He has been a father to my son and they have a special bond. I know he loves me dearly and I love him dearly. He has asked me to forgive him his past, and has told me he has never loved before meeting me. I know he loves me I can feel it. We live together and have a life together and he has professed his love for me very openly to his family and kids and has made it clear to everyone that we are one.

I have recently seen something that leads me to believe he is planning to propose to me. My problem is what shall I do??

I don't care about the women he has lured on the internet. I don't care about his past girlfriends. I do care that he cheated on his wife with his cousins wife when the woman had cancer, and then left her in the lurch. I do care that he can look at his cousin straight in the face and not feel guilt that he has been sleeping with his wife for over 15 years at least. I worry because he doesn't seem to feel any guilt!

I just dont know what to say or do. I do want to marry him, but does a tiger change its stripes? He says yes he is a changed man,and I can vouch that he has been nothing but painstakingly honest with me, but I am very worried about the future.

I welcome all opinions. Thank you!!!

Last edited by Teacupforme; 05-16-2013 at 05:10 AM.

 
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:25 AM   #2
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

While I think that leaving someone in the lurch (his wife having cancer) is a bad thing, I don't want to judge this man without knowing the whole story, ok? May I ask if his ex-wife survived? And if so, what kind of relationship do they have these days? That said, I believe people can change, unlike tigers, lol. Sometimes they change even if they don't want to. Sometimes they change, but remain unaware of it. If you don't marry him, what are the other options? Do you think he will leave if you don't accept his proposal? Do you think marrying him will make you feel safer or rather both of you happier? Yes, marriage is still a powerful symbol. Well, my advice is go for it, as long as you are using marriage for increased happiness ... not just to make him stay.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-16-2013 at 07:01 AM.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 07:15 AM   #3
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

Well he is 50 now. He was married at 24. He got her pregnant and I guess he did the right thing. They had 2 boys together, but according to what the boys have told me there was no love and relationship volatile. Basically he did what he wanted, and she was trapped. She did survive and not more than a year later she re-partnered. I have heard that she threw him out I have also heard he left. He was sleeping around a lot and also with his cousins wife. My options are not great at this moment since I sold my house and moved in with him and my child. Also we went into business together.

He treats me like gold. No issues in our relationship, always brutally honest about his past. I know he loves me and he has mellowed with age too. There is that. He has a lot of very good qualities but I worry about his ability to not feel guilt. Actually I envy that!! Lol. We share everything and have very deep meaningful conversations about everything. 3 years later we are still in love. I don't want to hurt him with my mistrust. I think most men would feel hurt/embarrassed by a rejection??? I could say No? But we are like married now already. The only thing missing is the paper. Yes that paper is important in my eyes too.

Last edited by Teacupforme; 05-16-2013 at 10:31 PM.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 07:20 AM   #4
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacupforme View Post
Well he is 50 now. He was married at 24. He got her pregnant and I guess he did the right thing. They had 3 kids together, but according to what the kids have told me there was no love and relationship volatile. Basically he did what he wanted, and she was trapped. She did survive and not more than a year later she re-partnered. I have heard that she threw him out I have also heard he left. He was sleeping around a lot and also with his cousins wife. My options are not great anymore since I sold my house and moved in with him and my child. Also we went into business together.

He treats me like gold. No issues in our relationship, always brutally honest about his past. I know he loves me and he has mellowed with age too. There is that. He as a lot of very good qualities but I worry about his ability to not feel guilt. Actually I envy that!! Lol. We share everything and have very deep meaningful conversations about everything. 3 years later we are still in love. I don't want to hurt him with my mistrust. I think most men would feel hurt/embarrassed by a rejection???
Yes, I think most men would feel hurt by a rejection.

In this post, you say you worry about his ability to not feel guilt. But in the previous post, you say he asked you to forgive him for his past.

Are you sure he never feels guilt?

 
Old 05-16-2013, 09:15 AM   #5
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

Hi, definately marry this man, he really loves you and you love him. What struck me the most is the fact that you and him have long meaningful discussions about everything, that is one important reason he loves you, you stimulate him intellectually.When it comes right down to it we men really want one woman we can relate to.As far as his past goes, it does not exist in the here and now but what is important is that his past lead him to his true love, you.......All the best

 
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Old 05-16-2013, 09:37 AM   #6
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

huh? marry him? you think this guy is "the one" ?
take off your rose colored glasses....this guy has sociopathic tendencies and not even a shred of integrity. He doesn't feel the least bit of guilt for cheating on his wife when she had cancer, he doesn't feel the least bit of guilt for sleeping with his cousins wife.....
history repeats itself
he also won't feel any guilt when he screws you over!
he will look you in the eye and lie straight to your face just like he does his cousin....
oh you think things are different with you? you're no different, you're not special.....he will lie to you too
please don't be this desperate......I'm sure you WILL regret it

 
Old 05-16-2013, 11:49 AM   #7
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

A guy like this with such a sordid past and current sociopathic tendencies doesn't strike me as marriage material. It would be different if he expressed some kind of regret or even just admitted what he did was wrong. But the fact that he won't, or more concerningly can't, then I think you have to recognize that he isn't capable of feeling remorse for hurting people. That's going to make it a lot easier for him when he decides to cheat on you because he won't care if he hurts you or not. He is all about himself and no one else. I never would have started dating a guy like him and I certainly would not have moved me and my kid into his house. But now you're stuck, so what do you do? I'd start planning my escape if I were you. It's just a matter of time before he hurts you and you need to be prepared to get away from him.

 
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:21 PM   #8
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
huh? marry him? you think this guy is "the one" ?
take off your rose colored glasses....this guy has sociopathic tendencies and not even a shred of integrity. He doesn't feel the least bit of guilt for cheating on his wife when she had cancer, he doesn't feel the least bit of guilt for sleeping with his cousins wife.....
history repeats itself
he also won't feel any guilt when he screws you over!
he will look you in the eye and lie straight to your face just like he does his cousin....
oh you think things are different with you? you're no different, you're not special.....he will lie to you too
please don't be this desperate......I'm sure you WILL regret it

No offense to you Rosequartz but I have read through a lot of threads last night where you offer advice to women. In life there are no guarantees on anything. Especially relationships. That stands for all relationships. We can only take calculated risks. I am cautious, but I do not feel the need to take a sledge hammer to hammer in a nail in the first instance.

Last edited by Teacupforme; 05-16-2013 at 03:22 PM.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 03:29 PM   #9
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

[QUOTE=pendulum;5175626]Yes, I think most men would feel hurt by a rejection.

In this post, you say you worry about his ability to not feel guilt. But in the previous post, you say he asked you to forgive him for his past.

Are you sure he never feels guilt?[/QUOTE

No I am not certain he doesn't feel guilt. He just is able to handle his emotions a lot more effectively than most people. He regrets this action I am sure. Not when it was happening, but now he does. He has become a lot more family orientated and wholesome since being with me, and I have unwound and feel a lot freer since being with him. We have been good for each other, and his actions over 3 years have been nothing but descent to me and my son.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 03:29 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacupforme View Post
I do not feel the need to take a sledge hammer to hammer in a nail in the first instance.
nor do I, but this isn't the first instance, is it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacupforme View Post
We can only take calculated risks.
here is the definition of a calculated risk......A chance taken after careful estimation of the probable outcome

so what do you think the PROBABLE outcome is?

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-18-2013 at 09:59 AM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 03:35 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
A guy like this with such a sordid past and current sociopathic tendencies doesn't strike me as marriage material. It would be different if he expressed some kind of regret or even just admitted what he did was wrong. But the fact that he won't, or more concerningly can't, then I think you have to recognize that he isn't capable of feeling remorse for hurting people. That's going to make it a lot easier for him when he decides to cheat on you because he won't care if he hurts you or not. He is all about himself and no one else. I never would have started dating a guy like him and I certainly would not have moved me and my kid into his house. But now you're stuck, so what do you do? I'd start planning my escape if I were you. It's just a matter of time before he hurts you and you need to be prepared to get away from him.
His current tendencies are not sociopathic. He has expressed regret, but he has not broken down crying over it. such as i would have preferred. He keeps his emotions hidden. Thank you for your response and I will consider your opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacupforme View Post
We can only take calculated risks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post

here is the definition of a calculated risk......A chance taken after careful estimation of the probable outcome

so what do you think the PROBABLE outcome is?
Can I ask if you are a fortune teller? You seem to Always forsee doom and gloom in the future and I am just curious if you can predict the future?

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-18-2013 at 10:02 AM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 03:48 PM   #12
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

[QUOTE=Teacupforme;5175864][QUOTE=rosequartz;5175859]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacupforme View Post
We can only take calculated risks.


Can I ask if you are a fortune teller? You seem to Always forsee doom and gloom in the future and I am just curious if you can predict the future?
you don't have to be a fortune teller to see what's happening here!
He's a charmer and he's telling you what you want to hear!
If you were so sure about him, you wouldn't have posted this question, right? That's your gut instinct trying to tell you something, please listen to it.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 03:59 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
nor do I, but this isn't the first instance, is it?
Rose, do you believe anyone can change at all? Do you believe in giving someone a 2nd chance? Because that's what I am faced with here. Please don't skip over the parts where I mention he has been loving and devoted for 3 years. Last time I was in love I was 17. I am 40 now and true love is very hard to find. Don't skip over the part that I mention that he has been a father to my son and he and my son have formed a very deep bond. Don't skip over the part where I mention how devoted and loving he has been for 3 years to me. Are these the actions of a current sociopath? I think not. And why is he being called a current sociopath anyways???

I would consider your advice if it were not for one thing. i read through a number of your other replies to women like myself asking for relationship advice and your advice is usually the same. Your an advocate of breaking up relationships rather than working on the issues at hand and salvaging them. I wonder if your advice is tainted due to your own negative experiences with men. If so that advice would not be unbiased at all and probably should not be offered.

[QUOTE=rosequartz;5175868][QUOTE=Teacupforme;5175864]
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post

you don't have to be a fortune teller to see what's happening here!
He's a charmer and he's telling you what you want to hear!
If you were so sure about him, you wouldn't have posted this question, right? That's your gut instinct trying to tell you something, please listen to it.
He hasn't told me what I want to hear. He has shown me what I want to see. Actions speak louder than words Rose. His action over 3 years have been honourable. Whilst I did ask for advice, I did not ask to be insulted, my partner to be called a sociopath,or to be called desperate! You really need to read your reply to people before you hit that submit button. You seem to have a lot of hatred for men inside you and it's coming out very loud and clear in your advice. Now please, you said what you wanted to say, let's just move on.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-16-2013 at 08:53 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 04:09 PM   #14
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teacup you are free to do as you wish, and it seems you already have your mind made up and are looking for someone to agree with you......to validate you. I've worked on plenty of "issues at hand" in relationships and continue to do so. I just hate to see women making bad choices that they will regret later. I hate seeing women dependent on men. I think he SEEMS like a great guy because you NEED someone.....you are a single mom, you possibly need his income, help with your child, companionship, etc. If women were independent, self-reliant, self-supporting and didn't get themselves in situations where they "need" men, and chose relationships because they wanted someone (not needed them), they would make altogether different choices.

teacup I don't hate men....

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-16-2013 at 08:55 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 05-16-2013, 04:26 PM   #15
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Re: Desperate for advice!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
teacup you are free to do as you wish, and it seems you already have your mind made up and are looking for someone to agree with you......to validate you. I've worked on plenty of "issues at hand" in relationships and continue to do so. I just hate to see women making bad choices that they will regret later. I hate seeing women dependent on men. I think he SEEMS like a great guy because you NEED someone.....you are a single mom, you possibly need his income, help with your child, companionship, etc. If women were independent, self-reliant, self-supporting and didn't get themselves in situations where they "need" men, and chose relationships because they wanted someone (not needed them), they would make altogether different choices.

Rose, thank you for a much softer reply. I respond to this type of reply a lot better. I am not what you said above. I sold my home which I owed little on and the proceeds are in the bank. I then bought a 2 bedroom flat by the beach which I rent out and plan to retire there one day. I worked as an analyst for an investment bank my whole working life so I have a sizeable pension coming to me in retirement. I stopped working full time due to back pain, and now work only 4 days a week 6 hours a day in my own business which my partner helped me start. I do not need him for income. I hesitate to mention that I am a sole parent because of the stereotypes. But I have enough savings to live a very long time without needing to work. I am with him because I fell in love with him. He is also in a better financial position than me but I do not need his money.

But this should at least demonstrate that you are not judging each case individually but rather using shorthand and negative stereotypes as a prelude to giving advice.

Last edited by Teacupforme; 05-16-2013 at 04:32 PM.

 
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