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Old 06-12-2013, 07:24 AM   #1
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Question Anxious/avoident trap, help!

I have fallen hard for a guy that I have been seeing for nearly a year, and I think he has an avoidant attachment style. I on the other hand have the anxious disorder, I am so in love with him and it breaks my heart to think that I will never be able to have a relationship with him due to his deep fear of being abandoned. If there is anyone out there who knows more about this heartbreaking trap please could you share some advice, all he says is he need more time and its nearly a year, every time I want affection he pushes me away and calls me needy, but of course it's ok for him to want to be touched I do everything for him but seem to get no where, what is it do they want to feel loved but don't kno how to give it? Would he miss me if I left him? Really need help with this thanks guys x

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 07:43 AM   #2
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

This looks a bit like autism. Does he get any treatment or psychological support for his behaviour? I am afraid there is not much you can do to help him...

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 08:05 AM   #3
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

I don't think so, it's more like a attachment disorder, will not let me get close to him, dosent show any feelings hates to be criticised happy to be alone and pushes me away, I think his dad left him at a young age and I think his been like this ever since, his 28 years old and said to me his been single for 8 years, to alot of ppl they would say I'm wasteing time. But I kno deep inside there's this loveing person dying to get out

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 08:21 AM   #4
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

Hi, I do not know what is wrong with this man, I am not a psychiatrist but it seems the more you advance, the more he retreats. If you have the courage break up with him but if not you should stop being so available to him and at the same time show him little affection. Perhaps if you retreat he will advance........

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 08:45 AM   #5
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

Sounds like a whole lotta work on your part for very little payoff, if any. I don't have any advice for how to "fix" this guy because I don't believe there is anything you can do to fix him. He has a problem, which you have identified through his behavior with you and you seem to think there is some kind of magic bullet to make him become the kind and loving and attentive boyfriend that you actually want in reality. That's never going to be him so you're pretty much wasting your time. Sorry to sound like everyone else whom you've asked but you can't fix this guy or turn him into what you want. He is who he is and unless he decides he wants to change on his own and takes the necessary steps cause HE wants to, then nothing will ever change. He will keep pushing you away and you'll keep trying and then eventually you will assume there must be something wrong with you cause you're doing everything you can and meanwhile the guy is just sitting there like a bump on a log oblivious to it all. I wouldn't waste any more time trying to reach him if I were you.

Also, there comes a point were an adult needs to stop using their childhood as an excuse for why they are a certain way as an adult. With the exception of some kind of severe abuse experience in childhood, everything else that people use as an excuse is pretty much a moot point as an adult. At some point, "my daddy left me" or whatever just doesn't fly as an excuse for treating a relationship partner the way this guy is treating you. I think you need to call him on it and tell him to quit making excuses. Either he wants to be your boyfriend or he doesn't. If not then he needs to tell you now so you can quit wasting everyone's time. But if he does want to be your bf then he needs to start showing it with his actions and his treatment of you. Don't let him get away with treating you badly for something that happened to him a million years ago. Don't ever let any guy do that to you.

Last edited by Kszan; 06-12-2013 at 09:01 AM.

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 09:44 AM   #6
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

interesting.....I had never heard of an attachment disorder so I looked it up. It sounds suspiciously like naarrccississm to me
I'd walk away, you can't fix him

 
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Old 06-12-2013, 12:43 PM   #7
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Re: Anxious/avoident trap, help!

I did think narcissistic to start with apart from he is not incredibly vain and thinks very low of himself, and at the moment I'm staying at his place, I do give him space but it seems to be never enough and only wants me when it suits him grrr

 
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