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Old 07-04-2013, 07:07 PM   #1
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breaking up is the only way

Hi everyone,

I am new to this website board, but it looks like there are a lot of great people on here getting real advice and I am really in need of some. My situation has been long and really frustrating, I have tried to figure it out by myself but keep ending up with not knowing what to do. I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. To say in a nice way, I never really thought this person was for me, he has a few good qualities, works, has a good job, is very handy and that's about it. He hardly ever communicates with me, and if he does, its usually an insult of some sort or a put down or what I don't do. Granted I am not perfect, but neither is he. The one big problem that he has is he does like to drink. Now I am not a drinker, I hardly ever drink, and if I do its like a beer every 3 weeks or a beer a month. He is the opposite, he enjoys drinking with his friends and even by himself. he knows how I feel about it, but I don't really complain about it, because I accept him for who he is. I just feel the relationship is a dead end. He doesn't like to go out to the movies, doesn't enjoy doing things in the summer like beaches, doesn't really take me anywhere and its been this way for a very long time. He never gives me a compliment on ANYTHING. I mean anything. Never says I look pretty, I did a good job at something or anything, it is all negative insults. He does work but I don't think that should be an excuse for not wanting to do anything. Sometimes if he buys me something say at a store he will even take it from me and hold it hostage until I do something for him, or when he feels like giving it to me. I left broke up with him in April, only to come back in May. In may he promised me he would change, he would put me first, do things for me, not neglect me, and that was all good for about 3 weeks but things are right back to the way they were before. I do live with him, but there are nights where he will go to sleep right when he gets home and I end up being alone the entire night. Most of the time I feel I am single and just there. It has gotten really lonely and I just would like to know what other women would do in my shoes. I don't have any single friends most are married the few I got, and its tough to ask them about relationships. I just don't feel he even cares about me, but whenever we breakup which we have in the past many times, he will treat me really good for a few weeks, then go right back to being nasty and putting me down all the time. I am tired of dealing with it. I feel in my heart he is not the one for me and I should breakup with him, but why is it so hard to do. I just want reassurance that how I feel is legitimate and that how he treats me is wrong. I think being single is better than being in this situation, I would love to hear everyone's comments on this. Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 07-05-2013, 01:11 AM   #2
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Re: breaking up is the only way

You already know you have to leave. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Having a good job and being handy are not good enough reasons to stay. This guy is abusive (insults you and puts you down) and manipulative (holds back gifts until you do something for him). He's told you numerous times that he will change (to get you to stay) and has proven time and again that he won't.

You've known a long time he's not the one for you. The reason it's so hard to leave is because after four plus years your life with him has become a habit, and habits are hard to break. Keep telling yourself that your feelings ARE legitimate, he's behaviour IS wrong and it IS better to be single than in a bad relationship.

 
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Old 07-05-2013, 01:16 AM   #3
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Re: breaking up is the only way

Do you think he knows on some level how you really feel about him and resents it? Be the better person and gracefully end this charade. Sera

Last edited by Seraph; 07-05-2013 at 01:18 AM.

 
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Old 07-05-2013, 04:59 AM   #4
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Re: breaking up is the only way

Don't get me wrong, but you also need to change: be stronger, don't allow anyone to treat you like that again. If you start a new relationship, have it as egalitarian as possible. Or leave it before it gets very difficult to leave. It's difficult, but you can do it.

 
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Old 07-05-2013, 09:05 AM   #5
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Re: breaking up is the only way

listen to your gut!
he's not the guy for you
don't waste one more minute of your precious time on him......

 
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:34 AM   #6
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Talking Re: breaking up is the only way

Thank you all for your advice. You are all right. I need to pick myself up and leave him once and for all. Your right Ely its a habit, and habits are extremely hard to break. I keep hoping that he will change, that he will wake up one day, but he's not going to. I have dealt with so much grief from him, and as I am getting older, my patience dealing with him is also becoming much much less. Its not healthy, the stress and the arguments. You said a very clever thing in your response Sera about he may know how I Feel about him and resents me for it. I think your straight on the money about that one too. He knows that I am not happy with him, I stress it all the time. Hoping that he will get the hint to change to try to keep me, but after all this time, I have to bag it up that he just cannot change, and at his age, he is too set in ways to change now. Thank you all again for your kind advice. I am so glad I found this site. God Bless you all.

 
Old 07-08-2013, 11:15 AM   #7
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Re: breaking up is the only way

It doesn't sound like either of you are that happy. Some of his behaviour may be because of the drinking, but unless he's prepared to give it up you won't know, and drinkers don't normally stop because someone else wants them too. It really sounds like you won't be giving up much if you leave, and right now you are just settling for something that isn't that great. You know by now the promises are all empty, don't get sucked back in with it because if he was going to change then he would have done it by now. As soon as you come back he'll just retreat to his comfort zone again.

 
Old 07-20-2013, 04:37 PM   #8
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Re: breaking up is the only way

You already know what you need to do.

He has problems that he needs to deal with within himself. His actions does not display love. It seems like both of you are exhausted yet comfortable and afraid to move on. Do the right thing and back off gracefully. You can and will find someone who treats you like the queen that you are. You deserve to be happy and feel loved and wanted. But, DO NOT allow your next to treat you as your ex did. Enjoy the single life and commit yourself to someone who appreciates you. Do not continue to settle.

 
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