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Old 07-10-2013, 10:38 PM   #1
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Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Hello all! First off, this post will be very lengthy so prepare for a good read!

My name is Mark. I am from the US and I am 20 years old. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now and let me just say it has been up and down the entire time but not for reasons that you may think.

I have always been a very loyal boyfriend. I have done nothing but treat her the way she deserved to be treated and spoiled her frequently. We have made some of the best memories together during this time and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. However, she has extreme depression, bi-polar (from what it looks like), anger, and trust issues. Her ex boyfriend had cheated on her 10+ times in the 4-5 months they were together. He emotional destroyed her and physically harmed her as well. She went to therapy and took antidepressants up until we went into our freshman year of college.

Now, I'm not going to lie, I did talk to a lot of girls when I first met her. All of them being harmless friends but from her eyes, it was a repeat of her past relationship. At first I did not understand why she was so upset over these people and I was certainly not going to stop being friends with them simply because I had literally just met someone. That would be crazy. But the more we talked, the more I fell for her and more I heard about her story with her ex. I did stop talking to all of those girls and did whatever made her comfortable. However, this never satisfied her. She would always bring up these people and talk a lot of garbage about them for no apparent reason other than the fact that I had talked to them. This turned into her literally getting mad at me for people that I had known before I even knew of her existence. I had also made the mistake of talking highly about my ex (because I had no problem with her at the time) when my girlfriend and I first started talking. This instantly led her to believe I was not over my ex and all this other crazy BS which wasn't true at all. As the months went on, the fights got worse even though the problems were not there anymore. I did EVERYTHING to make sure that there was nothing for her to fight about anymore yet the fighting would never cease to exist it simply got worse. She swears up and down that I lie about my past (even though I have no reason to simply because I didn't even know her for some of the past she gets mad about).

These fights never lasted long and always ended with us kissing and hugging it out but lately they have gotten quite ugly. She says very hurtful things now and tells me how much better she can do than me and how I'm exactly like her ex, which I'm not at all. I know that trust is a HUGE part of a relationship, but its almost not her fault to not trust someone after everything that has happened with her past and I always tell myself that if I show her that I care and that I'm not going anywhere, maybe she will learn that she can trust me. Another huge problem is that she is stubborn and refuses to get help because she believes its my fault that she is like this. She is currently on antidepressants but as of right now, they are doing very little even though she has a very high dosage.

I guess my real question is, what do I do? Do I leave her alone and let her get the help she needs? Do I stay with her every step of the way and be there for her through thick and thin? I just don't know. There have been times where I have bluffed and told her that I am leaving for good and she came crawling back instantly and then there were times where she acted like she couldn't give a damn in the world! She gives off many mixed signals and my main concern is that if I let her go but let her know I am always here for her when she is ready, will she get the help she needs? She knows that she needs help and admits it (very rarely, but she has). I know most people will say "let her go and if she comes back its meant to be" but you guys have to understand how PERFECT this relationship is when she doesn't snap like this. I could honestly picture myself marrying her someday when she is being her happy, loving self. It would be such a shame to let this go knowing there is a possibility that she won't come back because she will be too stubborn to get the help she needs.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Any advice would be great.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 03:05 AM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Hi, Mark. You know, a relationship in which fighting and quarreling is absent is probably not a healthy relationship. Some people think that the fighting can even make for better sex, if you see what I mean. But usually the healthy fighting and quarreling should be about trivia (trifles) and would seldom lead to the issues you are talking about. Yet, something about your relationship with this girl tells me that you must not break up with her yet. I am not telling you that she is the one, but as far as I can see (perhaps it is my sixth sense) you guys still have room to improve this relationship. In other words, what I am suggesting is for you to keep dating her, keep talking to her, and keep working on yourselves to make it work. Don't get engaged, don't promise to marry her, just keep dating and allow yourself a little more time (only you can decide how long) to see if there is a real improvement in the relationship.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:14 AM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Hi, you say that it looks like she is bipolar, was she ever diagnosed with it? Since she is on a higher dose of antidepressants and it is not working well may indicate she is bipolar which is very important because it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a good relationship with someone who is bipolar. They go through two phases that being the manic phase(happy and energetic) to the depressive phase which is self explanatory. If you notice these extremes then make sure she sees a doctor for diagnosis and medication. Once stabilized her moods will be much more even making it easier to grow the relationship in a meaningful way.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:17 AM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

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Originally Posted by lenvegas View Post
Hi, you say that it looks like she is bipolar, was she ever diagnosed with it? Since she is on a higher dose of antidepressants and it is not working well may indicate she is bipolar which is very important because it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a good relationship with someone who is bipolar. They go through two phases that being the manic phase(happy and energetic) to the depressive phase which is self explanatory. If you notice these extremes then make sure she sees a doctor for diagnosis and medication. Once stabilized her moods will be much more even making it easier to grow the relationship in a meaningful way.
She has not been diagnosed but that's exactly what she is like. One second she is loving and caring and the next she snaps. She went to a doctor and they simply told her to go to a psychiatrist and she has not gone. She is on 40mg dosage of antidepressants (which is apparently a lot) and the only effects it seems to have is that when she doesn't take them, she feels physically sick. I don't know how to get her to see a psychiatrist, I really don't.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:21 AM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

I also do not want to continuously bug her about going to get help either. That will just **** her off more.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:59 AM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkKirwan View Post
She has not been diagnosed but that's exactly what she is like. One second she is loving and caring and the next she snaps. She went to a doctor and they simply told her to go to a psychiatrist and she has not gone. She is on 40mg dosage of antidepressants (which is apparently a lot) and the only effects it seems to have is that when she doesn't take them, she feels physically sick. I don't know how to get her to see a psychiatrist, I really don't.
Hi you should not give up, if she is bipolar the medication will make her feel better as people with this condition live very tortured lives. The 40 mg seems like too much but it is hard to say because I do not know the drug. If it is an SSRI type drug like Paxil it is a little too much to start with. The few drugs I know for bipolar are not harsh at all as a matter of fact there is one that is non narcotic that will give her a full night's sleep with minimum morning grogginess.
You need to tell her she may have a chemical imbalance in her brain which is a medical condition than can be fixed. So like I said, do your best to get her to go, that's really the only thing you can do.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:03 AM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkKirwan View Post
She has not been diagnosed but that's exactly what she is like. One second she is loving and caring and the next she snaps. She went to a doctor and they simply told her to go to a psychiatrist and she has not gone. She is on 40mg dosage of antidepressants (which is apparently a lot) and the only effects it seems to have is that when she doesn't take them, she feels physically sick. I don't know how to get her to see a psychiatrist, I really don't.
To be told to go to a psychiatrist may lead her to think she is crazy or something. Anyway, it is something that often causes fear. Maybe you could suggest that she see a psychotherapist or a counselor. Maybe her case could be handled with a softer approach, at least in the beginning. I think she is too young to be taking those heavy drugs. It may affect her future life and make her drug-dependent.

Last edited by pendulum; 07-11-2013 at 09:31 AM.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:06 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

If she has been like this for a year, and is actually getting worse, then your way of dealing is not working. I agree with Len - it will not work until she gets treatment for her obvious mental problems. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. You will end up both going under. You have three options; first is to hang in as you are doing and see nothing change year after year; second is to make it a condition of your continuing in the relationship that she gets help (and stick to this, make a time frame); and third, walk away. It will be your choice and you must live with it, so, for example, if you opt for #1, then you will not complain about her. Good luck, Sera

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 01:11 PM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

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If she has been like this for a year, and is actually getting worse, then your way of dealing is not working. I agree with Len - it will not work until she gets treatment for her obvious mental problems. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. You will end up both going under. You have three options; first is to hang in as you are doing and see nothing change year after year; second is to make it a condition of your continuing in the relationship that she gets help (and stick to this, make a time frame); and third, walk away. It will be your choice and you must live with it, so, for example, if you opt for #1, then you will not complain about her. Good luck, Sera
Thank you for the advice, Sera. I do agree that those are the only three options. I can no longer deal with door #1 so I am leaning towards #2. I have been bugging her about it. I really hope it gets through her head

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 01:14 PM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

I've tried and she is well aware that she has a chemical imbalance but she is THAT stubborn. I've been bugging her a lot today about the subject so we shall see!

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:39 PM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

I was under the impression that quick mood changes are more a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder than bipolar, but either way, those are both serious problems that if you don't absolutely HAVE to deal with, I wouldn't. Seriously, the standard advice is: run.

As has been said, you can't fix her. And if it's getting worse, it will probably only continue that way. If she has BPD, nothing you do will never be enough, and it will always be your fault because you aren't trying hard enough, or doing enough, or whatever enough. Meanwhile, she'll try to isolate you even more from your friends.

You sound like a nice good guy, and you probably feel obliged to her, but you aren't. When you're dealing with a mental or behavioural problem, you have to think about yourself first, and if it means leaving her, then that's what you do.

Good luck, and please keep us posted on how it goes. This is a very concerning situation.

 
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Old 07-15-2013, 06:35 PM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

Mark:
You have been together for only a year. If you love her, the best option would be to get her help and support her in a more distant way. Could her family get involved in this process and help out? Because if she truly has a chronic mental disorder, she needs a friend, not a lover. It may be best to back off the romantic relationship while letting her know that she needs to seek help for her own welfare. I wouldn't jettison her either completely, just let her know you want to be just her friend until she can get this straightened out. Can you be a friend without benefits? She needs to get her own head on straight before being in a relationship where she could get pregnant, and then everything will hit the fan. Then you will be tied to her forever, whether you want to be or not. Backing up a little bit, while she may not like it, and maybe neither will you, but will give both of you a little more time to decide if you want to be in this relationship or not.
You both are too young to make a mistake that will affect the rest of your lives.
On a different note, if she is diagnosed with bi-polar, this is something that she will live with the rest of her life. And you will have to live with it too. There are some things that may help her, such as nutrition. If she is a junk food junkie, that may make any condition she has already much worse. Staying away from pesticides, boosting all their vitamin levels and getting plenty of sleep and exercise can help people with mental disorders(to a certain degree). Anyway, whatever you may decide, think carefully about it before deciding.
Best wishes, K.

 
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:05 AM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

toss this one back......she is broke and you can't fix her.....and furthermore it's not YOUR responsibility to!

 
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:00 PM   #14
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Re: Girlfriend has extreme trust/anger problems. Need advice!

" I could honestly picture myself marrying her someday when she is being her happy, loving self. It would be such a shame to let this go knowing there is a possibility that she won't come back because she will be too stubborn to get the help she needs."

If she didn't come back then it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world because this relationship is just not healthy. I don't know if this is bipolar or not, she may just have anger issues and a lot of insecurity but I think the suggestion to make it a condition of you staying is that she gets some help for whatever is going on is a good one, and you may have to leave the relationship to motivate her to do that. If she doesn't get help, you are going to end up miserable living this way and whatever love you feel for her will turn into resentment. I doubt if she is happy being this way either, whether or not it is a mental illness, because being that angry and insecure about things can't be a happy way to live.

 
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