Join Date: Jul 2013
I'm new here, but I thought it might help to write down what I'm going through, as I can't seem to talk to anyone else about it.
Firstly, I'll just say that since January I've been taking anti-depressants, Citalopram to be exact, and whilst I found it stopped me from crying and feeling emotional, it did little to lift my mood and now I've just replaced it with Mirtazapine, but it's too early to tell if that is working, as I'm feeling so down.
I lost my father last year and I think that triggered off a darkness in me which I've been unable to shake off. I can't remember the last time I felt content, let alone happy. I haven't worked for several years, though I do try, I find that employers aren't interested if you have a gap on your CV, and this has dented my confidence further. I don't just sit around doing nothing, I am a carer for my mum who finds it difficult getting about. Even though I am of great use to her, I still feel as though I am one of the dregs of society and that I have nothing to offer the world. I almost feel institutionalized and trapped unemployed. I feel very anxious most of the time.
I have a wonderful boyfriend that I started a relationship with just over a year ago. We started off as friends and he would sort me out with cannabis, as I do like to indulge as I find it relaxes me.
Eventually he asked me out on a date and we went from there. He has his own problems with depression, but seeks no medical help with it and has found his own ways of dealing with it over the years. He has said he is the happiest he has ever been since being with me, but despite this, I still feel as though it wouldn't take much for someone to snare him away.
This is undoubtedly because of my experience of previous relationships.
My first 'serious' relationship, turned out to be a complete farce as he was having a relationship with someone else the entire time we were 'together' - 2 years.
I was only 16, it was long distance and he was a few years older and too intriguing for me to walk away, despite suspecting him of cheating and confronting him, he'd just deny it and call me crazy or 'mental'. I went to great lengths trying to catch him out on the internet, with fake profiles etc. I never had any real proof and began doubting myself, but I never felt comfortable or accepted what he said. I found out for certain some years after by emailing the suspected person, and had it all confirmed.
You'd think I'd have learnt from that episode, but some years later I started another serious relationship. I really, really liked him from the get go.
He'd just come out of a serious relationship, but he pursued me. It was long distance until I decided to move with friends to his city. Looking back I don't think he was ever really that eager, I was probably just a bit of fun. But we went out for 4 and a half years. He'd never invite me out with his work friends, who he'd go out with religiously on a Friday night - even though his work pals would invite their partners. He had female 'friends' who he'd never mention or allow me to meet. I knew they existed because he'd receive texts from them infront of me. It was all so weird. I could never question it as he'd call me mental or flip out. And I just concluded, naturally that he was sleeping with them - or wanted to.
Apart from this, we got on amazingly well and he'd sing my praises. This just confused me further as I didn't see any reason for him to cheat.
Turns out I was correct, as in my unhealthy paranoid state I'd go through his phone and find dodgy messages. I'd confront him, and again, I'd get called 'mental'. I'd forgive him as I was scared of being on my own, and by this point felt like it was my destiny to be cheated on - that I was never gonna be good enough for anyone.
Eventually, we moved in together begrudgingly on his part. I didn't force him, but as he was practically living with me and I was paying all the rent etc, I thought it was only fair. He made the choice. Living together was great - until 4 months down the line came and I had an overwhelming urge to check his phone. I found messages to a girl at work. I confronted him at my most angry - we'd moved into a place together and now after only a few months he was going to rip my life apart.
Needless to say, we split up. I had to uproot my entire life back home. I was distraught. He started a relationship with the girl from work. There wasn't even any rest bite.
I had tried so so hard to have a normal relationship, but he'd just been sneaking around, flirting and chatting up and sleeping with other women. Even when we were out together, he'd show me up, flirting with women. I feel like such an idiot writing this down, when the obvious answer was to have left him the first time. But it doesn't work like that when you have no confidence in yourself and you're in love with the person.
After that, I some how managed to bounce back. Friends commented on how much more vivacious I was and I started a relationship with someone else, who was 14 years my senior. That had it's own problems, but I never felt the need to go through his phone or suspect him. I put it down to him being older, y'know, a real man - more sure of himself and what he wanted.
When we did break up, it was a slow drawn out process and he didn't give me the respect I deserved and basically took up with someone else before I'd even collected all my belongings. This again triggered feelings of self doubt. Why wasn't I good enough, did he really love me, was he only interested until somebody better came along.
I left it two years before starting my current relationship because I just wasn't interested in being hurt again. I thought there must be something wrong with me.
Now, with my current boyfriend I feel like I have all these feelings of paranoia tenfold. Naturally, whenever he's mentioned previous love interests I've sat up and taken notice. He's mentioned in the past girls that have told him that they love him - though not in a relationship with them - but to have changed their mind and generally messed him around. However, over time from what he's said I've concluded that it's actually just one girl he's talking about - a very, very pretty friend of his.
Weirdly, somehow, I'd already seen this girl on his facebook friends list and thought she might be the girl in question, long before he'd mentioned any names. This freaked me out a little since she'd not written anything on his facebook, I'd merely picked her face out, and thought 'shes trouble for me'.
I've never met her, infact I've only met one of his female friends and that's because she called round unexpectedly whilst I was there. This worries me, as I mentioned earlier, I never met any of my ex boyfriend's friends.
I've mentioned briefly in passing that I should meet his female friends, as I've met his male ones and he didn't really say anything other than that he doesn't see any of them anymore since he's started going out with me, as he doesn't go out and socialize anymore. This is true.
My paranoia got so bad that I went through his facebook messages while he was out, looking for messages to this girl. From this,I found out he'd only told her he was in a realtionship with me 3 months after we'd started up, and they'd talked in that time - fair enough, no point telling someone if it's early days, but to me it felt like it was because he didn't want her to know. It's difficult to tell someones tone from text, but it looked like she was a little deflated that he had found someone, and after that the contact dwindled, except for her asking if he still had a girlfriend.
There was a message from her a few weeks before we'd got together saying how she was 'sorry for playing with his emotions' and that she wasn't over her boyfriend and how she didn't think it was a good idea them being together as she was good friends with his ex' etc etc.
I was a bit taken aback as something had obviously happened, and this was 2 weeks before we got together. When he had mentioned 'her' he had told me it was several years previous. But it looked to me like an ongoing thing.
I don't think anything has gone on physically between them. But he said how she had messed him around, treated him like a boyfriend without actually being a boyfriend and then started a relationship with one of his best friends.
As he mentions the situation fairly frequently, I feel like he's got underlying feelings for her still, though he says he 'never wanted her anyway'. I find that a little hard to believe, or else why would he even mention it?
He knows I have a hard time trusting as I've been messed about and cheated on. He's a loving, caring guy, and I don't think he's really capable of telling lies - but we all tell people what we want them to hear. He tells me how amazing I am, and that he's lucky to have me, and that I make him happy. But yet I am still so obsessed with this girl. To the point where I made a fake profile on facebook just to add her and get a better picture of what she's like.
I don't think he's seen her for about a year, but her sister is going out with one of his friends - again, who I've yet to meet either of. I'm worried that they are all going to go out and that something might happen. That's what I'm waiting for.
Apart from this, I'm petrified of meeting her because of how much I know, and the fact I've been cyber stalking her. I'm fairly uncomfortable with meeting any of his friends as I feel they all know about 'them', when in actual fact I have no idea. It's on the verge of ruining my relationship.
I know that I feel like this because of how I have been treated before. I see patterns in behaviour and I convince myself that there must be something going on or about to happen. But I have no idea how to stop this. It's taking over my life.
I can't talk to him about it, as I really don't want him to feel like I don't trust him, plus, it's a little psycho. I feel like a total crazy for getting so worked up about it. I feel like all it would take is for her to click her fingers and he'd go running, which is against anything he's ever said to me, so why can I not accept it?
I don't feel like I'll ever be free from paranoia and the anxiety it brings, yet I feel so trapped in my own head with this because of what other people will think.
How can I try to sort my head out?