shutterlag

hello, i'm new here.
i guess i'll divide this into sections since i have no idea where to begin.
this doesn't fit exactly with schizophrenia, but i don't know where to ask for help. if i mention anything about what is happening to me to my parents, i'll be sent to my ex-psychiatrist, again, and i don't want that at all.

brief history- i'm barely sixteen, i've been going to therapy on & off since i was nine, i think. i've always had a really vivid imagination. i've been pinned with various disorders... but nobody really knows what's wrong with me (to put it bluntly.) i've taken a lot of different medications, nothing has helped (usually made things worse), and now i refuse to take anything (i've had a lot of bad experiences on meds.) until late may i was taking lithium. i'm not bipolar, at least, i don't have most of the symptoms.

recently, i think it's been happening since this spring, i've been hearing things. music. at first it starts out quiet, but then it gets pretty loud, i can hear it perfectly. i've never heard the music before, at least not that i can remember. sometimes it's strange classical, sometimes it has 'vocals'- although not words ... just.. mouth sounds? sometimes it's kind of electronic, like an old video game or a gameboy. sometimes it's cheerful, or calming, or threatening. it doesn't happen consistently, meaning, i can be doing anything and be in any state of mind. sometimes, hums, like from a computer or air conditioner, can bring it on. once i establish that the music is indeed not being played in the room, i get nervous, and the music gets more severe/loud. my hearing is perfect otherwise, i'm almost positive it's not an actual hearing problem.

i had some problems separating reality from my imagination spring of last year. i would see things, like grids on walls, animals and people running by, smoke, and people's eyes would get warped for a brief second. if i looked in the mirror a long time my face would get warped. objects would turn into animals. i remember one morning as i was getting dressed i heard this mean running commentary on everything i did, like some warped nature show. sometimes things seemed painted on a canvas instead of 3d, like the trees. i became really antisocial. i felt like i was very far inside of my body.. it was a very real feeling. i don't really know how to put it. i didn't like to talk to people anymore because my thoughts just went in circles. it was really hard to get people to understand at all. seemed like i was dreaming all the time, like i wasn't really there. it got to the point where i couldn't tell what i dreamed or what happened. when i actually slept, it was for a long time (12+ hrs vs. usual 6-7) but it was like i wasn't even asleep. i would have vivid dreams, i guess they were more like daydreams since i could still feel the sheets and i could control my part in the dream. all this lasted for a month and a half, or so, and then i seemed to come down and reverted back to how i usually am. it was probably the most frightening month and a half of my life, though, i never want to go back there.

what i am terrified of is these hallucinations getting worse and expanding, similar to what happened last spring... although i didnt have any with music then. i can't remember what it started with last time. honestly, it really scares me, even though it probably seems minor to a lot of people. why could this be happening to me? has anyone had things like this happen? did it stop, continue, or get worse before it got better? i don't know what is causing this and the fact that i am imagining things again frightens me a lot.

thanks for any help.