Hi everyone, i am a 17 year old guy in highschool. I Think i may be developing some sort of Schizophrenia (sp?) There are a lot of different parts to this situation, so it may sound really jumbled and random, these are just my different traits.
I am a very social person, i like to be where there is lots of action. Some times I have this urge to be to complete center of attention and other times i just stand there wishing i could think of something witty and interesting to talk about but my mind draws a blank. This itself does not sound Schizo to me at all, but I figured i'd put it out there anyway.
Next is a situation in my life that is sorta causing me to do mental backflips. There is this girl who i have known for years; and during the last year i have been on home school but i would go to school for a day a week. During these trips i would usualy see her around school a couple times a day, get smiles and waves and small talk, and often i would ride the bus with her for about 1/2 an hour and just small talk. I really grew to like her during this period of time, and i dont know if i was right or wrong but i felt that living with no drivers license, sorta stranded and only going to school 1 day a week, it was not a good idea to try and start a deeper relationship with her.
Now i am back in the school for my last semester. And i have 1 class with her, i sit next to a couple of my really good freinds, and they are really pretty witty and good and flirting with girls. And they tend to flirt with her alot, I dont really mind this cuz it really is fair in every way. The weird part of this whole story is that i am not at a total loss of flirting, but I find my self in these situations where my two buddies are just going on a spree and im like "wow i should really join in on this, it would be fun and she would probably enjoy it." and then this other side comes up and it just holds me back, i cant even describe any rational reason for not hopping in and joining the fun, i just cant." Then later when i am alone i sit there and think "wow man ur really an idiot, it would have been so easy to just make a few remarks, and push her around a little" But then the situation will arise again and im back to the two sided thoughts. That was realy loosely described, but the situation is too strange for me to really be any more detailed. (i realize this really should be put on the Relationship board but i put it here anyway)
ok, now that stuff is just wierd mental problems, but this is real and it scared the hell outa me. heres the story:
I am at my freind's house we'll call him D, and we are just sitting around having a conversation. And my other Freind we'll call R is also over and he's sitting in the other room talk to his girl freind. All of a sudden i start hearing this strange music playing and I am listening to it for a while and decide to ask R what he's got playing on the stereo, at this point my freind D looks at my and says "What music are u talking about". And I am totally confused because i swear that there was music playing. and im like "the music coming from that room R is in" and D looks and me and says "uhh.... There isn't any music playing at all" and even after he said that I was still hearing it. It went on for about 5 minutes and then drifted out.
About 3 hours later the same day, actualy it was nighttime now. i was sitting on his couch and I was like "wow its raining now, Thats wierd it was Sunny all day" and my freind D listens for a moment, walks over to the sliding glas door and walks out it. he comes back in and says "theres no rain at all".
Im really sorry for the length of this, and about the people relation junk, but im really pretty lost in the world right now.
I think if you feel your own thoughts are weirder than they should be, you know your own "traits" and patterns of what is normal for you better than anyone else. It might be worth going to a psychiatrist (rather than your regular primary care doc) and telling her that you sense things are wrong in your mind. If it turns out nothing is wrong, that is fantastic! But if it turns out the psy doc has concerns, she knows the right questions to ask you to determine what is wrong. And she would hopefully know how to direct the course of treatment if there IS something wrong. (I say hopefully because I went to 3 different psychiatrists before I found one who knew the right thing for me.)
One concern is that a lot of male schizophrenia actually does begin to show itself in the late teens - 20's. And auditory hallucinations are the most common, probably along with paranoia.
I do have chronic schizophrenia and I hear Mexican music sometimes that is not really there as well as about 5 notes that keep repeating themselves in sequence over and over. If you are hearing "mental music" that you do not like, what works for me is playing music that I DO like loud enough so that I concentrate on IT to the exclusion of the other.