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Old 02-10-2006, 03:56 AM   #16
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by karl27
i am so terrified the police sare watching my house and i think people are trying to burgle my house, i stay up all night just to keep an eye on the place. i have just been prescribed with 15mg olanzapine what is this for? people come and see me from the psychiactric hospital to talk. i dont like them they look like demons as does everyone else i cantt look at people i so scared all the time. i just want to kill myself i cant go on another day. everyone is against me and i cant even eat i lost loads of weight apparently but the food is not rioght. the water supply is poisened so i have to drink bottled mineral water why are people doing this to me i done nothing wrong. someone help me... i have tablets in the house i will use them i cant go on another day. help me please

I thought I had problems.

 
Old 02-10-2006, 05:43 AM   #17
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i-be-peabody HB User
Re: whats wrong with me?

How am I? Doing fairly well, actually.

See, they're thinking they're helping by coming around your house. And actually all they're doing is making you feel worse. Can you saythat to them? LIke "I know you are trying to help me but you're making me feel worse"

Oh yeah, they'll write stuff down whether you talk or not. I HATE that!! That knowing little look and then scribbling into their notepads. Like they know everything.

You know, if your psychiatrist is saying your mom should be there, is that bad or good? Like, do you get along with your mother? Do you both have a good relationship? If you'd feel better talking without her there, just tell them. If you don't want your mom there, she doesn't have to be. You're an adult and you have a right to choose. (I don't know where you live but where I live, it's up to the patient if anyone else sits in)

Your doctor might just try a new medicatoin with you. The meds aren't very fun when you first take them but that goes away. It really does. Once your body gets used to the drugs, the side effects start to go away.

Maybe your psychiatrist can do something to help you. I don't think you have to accept any treatment you don't want to so don't feel pressured. Think of it this way. Let the doctor make suggestons and you tell how you feel about them. Ask the doctor to talk slowly, to really include your opinion and to discuss everything with you. Just so you don't feel like they're all making decisions about your life without you (I can't stand that!)

I'm so sorry you're so down. You're not depressing me, but I feel very sad because I know exactly how you're feeling. I really do. And I know how scary and alone and sometimes embarrassing it all is. How unsure you are of your life and your surroundings. YOu don't deserve to live in this misery! Can you maybe go for a walk around the neighbourhood, get out of your house for awhile? No one will bother you if you're taking a walk

I'll talk to you soon.

love pea

 
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Old 02-10-2006, 06:38 PM   #18
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Karl, I take 20mg of Olanzapine per day and have taken it on and off for years (since it first came out.) At times, I take 40mg/day. I too have had paranoia and suicidal thoughts many times (although not in a couple of years, thank God) and in my own case, Olanzapine most definitely helps to rid me of those bad thoughts. In fact, I just started back on it today because I found I was beginning to hide "my stuff" from people. I was downloading my computer files to diskettes and taping them to the back of dresser drawers where I thought no one would look. Like someone (who?) is going to come into my bedroom on my personal computer and want to read the angry letter I wrote to the phone company months ago when they overcharged me. I was also beginning to hide myself from the world, staying in that same bedroom and watching DVD's all day that I rent online. And not sleeping. Oh well, all I wanted to say was Olanzapine really helps me, although I hate the side effects of weight gain and too much sedation.

 
Old 02-12-2006, 07:11 AM   #19
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Hi Karl, how are you? I've been reading the posts and I just want to say hang in there. It's extremely brave of you to express how you feel on here and I think that it's wonderful.

Pea- you are truly an amazing person, it seems. It's so nice of you to help comfort Karl regarding what has been going on. I think its great that people can post on here and get help if needed.

I just wanted to share that. I love helping people and I just wanted to put that out there. =) I hope you all have a wonderful day. It's freeeeezing here.
Stacy

 
Old 02-12-2006, 08:24 AM   #20
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i-be-peabody HB User
Re: whats wrong with me?

Stacy, thank you. I've been through a lot of this and remember how sad and lonely and angry and scared I felt. Especially after the diagnosis. I didn't know who was lying to me and who wasn't. And, Karl, as I've said, I can feel what you're going through, almost. What you said brought back a lot for me. Just remember, it can get better. A thousand times better.

love
pea

 
Old 02-12-2006, 11:55 AM   #21
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by i-be-peabody
Stacy, thank you. I've been through a lot of this and remember how sad and lonely and angry and scared I felt. Especially after the diagnosis. I didn't know who was lying to me and who wasn't. And, Karl, as I've said, I can feel what you're going through, almost. What you said brought back a lot for me. Just remember, it can get better. A thousand times better.

love
pea
Hi Pea =)

You don't have to answer anything that you don't feel comfortable answering but I was wondering what you were diagnosed with (if it was Paranoid Schizophrenia). I am very interested in learning more about this and I wanted to hear about it coming from someone who has actually experienced what goes on. You sound like you're in a better place in your life, is this so? Take care. Stacy =)

 
Old 02-16-2006, 06:24 AM   #22
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Hi Stacy

I was diagnosed with undifferentiated sz, which means I have symptoms from more than one type. When I first started to get ill, I was a teenager. My mom said Igot sloppy and abstracted and isolated. My first year of university, Iwas really delusional about one of my profs having access to my laptop and sending the information to the CIA. I also thought I controlled the weather via a chip the CIA had planted in my hand. It was all tied up together. I've also felt that people were trading thoughts with me. THey'd take one of mine and then send their thoughts back to me. It was really intrusive and I didn't go out much. I've had auditory hallucinations the longest of any symptom but when it started, it was just laughter and it was rare for me to hear it. When I get sick, I hear voices (Don't hear many now. I'm medicated and doing very well but I still get them once in awhile. Especially if I'm tired or not feeling well, stressed out...) I've had visual hallucinations in the past but they're more rare for me. OFten I'll get what people call "trailers". These little spots of light that you can see trailing a little comet tail behind it. Lots of people have experienced those. My friend gets them when she's really overtired. Also, I see air. Regularly. I can see particles in the air. They're like tiny bubbles zipping around and they're everywhere.

A lot of what I experienced was negative. Most of the voices I heard were regular visitors, could be male, female or genderless, talking about what I'm doing. Everything I'd do, they'd have a comment about it. It was incredibly irritating. They also told me who to trust, who not to, that sort of thing. They also talked ABOUT me to each other and often would sing and play the piano. Late at night, they'd get loud. So I couldn't sleep very well. Sometimes they'll talk and I can't understand what they're saying (They have their own language...) but I'll hear my name.

Some of them, a genderless voice in particular, are kind. I had a period of what I like to call psychotic enlightenment. Because I stand by the fact that it was enlightenment. I was just too sick to understand it maybe? I felt totally connected with the universe, with everyone, with everything. I felt like life had become so intricate and still really simple. It was a strange, light, nice feeling. And the sexless voice would talk once in awhile. I think it was some kind of interpertation of God. It was a very safe feeling. And very unusual. it would come and go. Sometimes I'd feel this way for days.

Um... Well. I did get a degree. A BSc which is far less than I'd once hoped for. But the fact that I did a good two years of that in and out of illness and fairly sick throughout my first year is enough tomake it okay. I think the thing with me is that I got very involved in my schoolwork (and it took me an extra year and a summer to complete it even then) so did well when I was functional. I also had very understanding professors and a wonderful academic advisor who totally pulled for me. I especially think the professor who was the target of my paranoia was especially patient.

Now I take meds. (Seroquel plus ativan) which seems to do the trick fairly well. Antipsychotics have side effects that suck. They make you tired and sluggish, they make you feel lost inside yourself, they make you feel dizzy and they made my legs and mouth twitch a little. But this mostly went away over about four to six months. Steadily too. Every week, I felt better regarding the side effects. Luckily I haven't experienced more than five pounds weight gain on any antipsychotic. And I've been on a few. I've tried many that just didn't work at allfor me and made me feel really horrible. Iwon't say which they are as we're all different and these drugs will work for some people. Just not me. I don't want to turn anyone off of taking a prescription just beacause I didn't like it.

Suffice it to say I tried a fair few, refused to take them or would hide them. It was always a cycle. Things are fine, then I'd get sick, be hospitalized, sectioned, etc, forced meds, either the ones I'd had before (and stopped taking) or new ones, wouldn't like those, as soon as I'd be out, I'd stop the drugs, relative calm until I got sick again. It was constant. It sucked. I didn't trust the doctors or the medication. Ithought it was just more tricks from the center of my huge conspiracy (CIA, weather control - I was taking a meteorology course during that school year) or that they were trying to keep me from achieving enlightenment. I rather thought they were after me for both. I thought the pills allowed people to read my mind.

So I was eventually kept for months, monitored closely, basically force fed the drugs. After about a month on the drugs, stuff just sort of calmed down. For awhile it calmed too far down and i felt awful. Then we gotthings under control. I lived with my parents after that stay and then moved back in with my partner, who then proposed. We're getting married this summer (or next spring.. we may have to put it off) and things are wonderful at home. I have three cats and they're mybest friends, after my fiance. Honestly, they've been there for me for six years, they always know how to make me smile and they're really cuddly. And intelligent. They're the best friends you could ask for!

Sorry this is so long. I just got typing.

love pea

 
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