Hi Stacy
I was diagnosed with undifferentiated sz, which means I have symptoms from more than one type. When I first started to get ill, I was a teenager. My mom said Igot sloppy and abstracted and isolated. My first year of university, Iwas really delusional about one of my profs having access to my laptop and sending the information to the CIA. I also thought I controlled the weather via a chip the CIA had planted in my hand. It was all tied up together. I've also felt that people were trading thoughts with me. THey'd take one of mine and then send their thoughts back to me. It was really intrusive and I didn't go out much. I've had auditory hallucinations the longest of any symptom but when it started, it was just laughter and it was rare for me to hear it. When I get sick, I hear voices (Don't hear many now. I'm medicated and doing very well but I still get them once in awhile. Especially if I'm tired or not feeling well, stressed out...) I've had visual hallucinations in the past but they're more rare for me. OFten I'll get what people call "trailers". These little spots of light that you can see trailing a little comet tail behind it. Lots of people have experienced those. My friend gets them when she's really overtired. Also, I see air. Regularly. I can see particles in the air. They're like tiny bubbles zipping around and they're everywhere.
A lot of what I experienced was negative. Most of the voices I heard were regular visitors, could be male, female or genderless, talking about what I'm doing. Everything I'd do, they'd have a comment about it. It was incredibly irritating. They also told me who to trust, who not to, that sort of thing. They also talked ABOUT me to each other and often would sing and play the piano. Late at night, they'd get loud. So I couldn't sleep very well. Sometimes they'll talk and I can't understand what they're saying (They have their own language...) but I'll hear my name.
Some of them, a genderless voice in particular, are kind. I had a period of what I like to call psychotic enlightenment. Because I stand by the fact that it was enlightenment. I was just too sick to understand it maybe? I felt totally connected with the universe, with everyone, with everything. I felt like life had become so intricate and still really simple. It was a strange, light, nice feeling. And the sexless voice would talk once in awhile. I think it was some kind of interpertation of God. It was a very safe feeling. And very unusual. it would come and go. Sometimes I'd feel this way for days.
Um... Well. I did get a degree. A BSc which is far less than I'd once hoped for. But the fact that I did a good two years of that in and out of illness and fairly sick throughout my first year is enough tomake it okay. I think the thing with me is that I got very involved in my schoolwork (and it took me an extra year and a summer to complete it even then) so did well when I was functional. I also had very understanding professors and a wonderful academic advisor who totally pulled for me. I especially think the professor who was the target of my paranoia was especially patient.
Now I take meds. (Seroquel plus ativan) which seems to do the trick fairly well. Antipsychotics have side effects that suck. They make you tired and sluggish, they make you feel lost inside yourself, they make you feel dizzy and they made my legs and mouth twitch a little. But this mostly went away over about four to six months. Steadily too. Every week, I felt better regarding the side effects. Luckily I haven't experienced more than five pounds weight gain on any antipsychotic. And I've been on a few. I've tried many that just didn't work at allfor me and made me feel really horrible. Iwon't say which they are as we're all different and these drugs will work for some people. Just not me. I don't want to turn anyone off of taking a prescription just beacause I didn't like it.
Suffice it to say I tried a fair few, refused to take them or would hide them. It was always a cycle. Things are fine, then I'd get sick, be hospitalized, sectioned, etc, forced meds, either the ones I'd had before (and stopped taking) or new ones, wouldn't like those, as soon as I'd be out, I'd stop the drugs, relative calm until I got sick again. It was constant. It sucked. I didn't trust the doctors or the medication. Ithought it was just more tricks from the center of my huge conspiracy (CIA, weather control - I was taking a meteorology course during that school year) or that they were trying to keep me from achieving enlightenment. I rather thought they were after me for both. I thought the pills allowed people to read my mind.
So I was eventually kept for months, monitored closely, basically force fed the drugs. After about a month on the drugs, stuff just sort of calmed down. For awhile it calmed too far down and i felt awful. Then we gotthings under control. I lived with my parents after that stay and then moved back in with my partner, who then proposed. We're getting married this summer (or next spring.. we may have to put it off) and things are wonderful at home. I have three cats and they're mybest friends, after my fiance. Honestly, they've been there for me for six years, they always know how to make me smile and they're really cuddly. And intelligent. They're the best friends you could ask for!
Sorry this is so long. I just got typing.
love pea
