Join Date: Jan 2007
if its not schizophrenia what could it be?
My name is Matthew, i am 18 years old, and I have asperger's syndrome. I have read a lot about it and found it only describes some of me. I have also read about schizophrenia and think it describes some as well. My mum has told me that she has had a talk with me about schizophrenia because apparently i am high risk for it. I do not remember this talk nor do i believe it even happened. People tell me a lot of small things that i do not believe, i think they are trying to deceive me. I think my own senses deceive me. I hear my mum call my name when i am in my room as if for me to go out and see what she wants, but when i go out of my room i find she didn't even call me. This has been happening for a few years. When i first noticed it i simple went out into the kitchen to see if she would talk to me whenever i heard my name. (It just happened now as i was typing this, it is making me more paranoid if i even want to type this out. But i think it might be because i have been thinking about it.) Now what i do is not react until she has called my name several times, as if i did not hear it. I hear other things sometimes. I smoke a lot of pot and i have found sometimes when falling asleep while still high i hear things like "I have AIDS" or "I'm a lesbian", witch cannot be true because i do not have AIDs nor am i even female to be capable of being a lesbian. I worry when i am in such a state i am saying these things out loud. It also makes me wonder if i say what i am thinking out loud. I have found times when people have said things i have been thinking about earlier, as if to be playing with me . I have several annoyance that happen to me everyday and i think they be deliberate to see how i react. I have dogs who scratch at my door to get in my room, and they just beg. Now one of my dogs begs when i dont even have food. Whenever i leave my room they get all hyper and jump around and put their paws on my legs, and if i sit in the kitchen or something they scratch at my feet. i hate them, but at the same time i am fascinated by them. they r very small yet i think they are very smart for what they are. they are animals, yet they leave them selfs completely vulnerable to me and anything i do to them. i could pick them up and toss them down the stairs or something. but when i pick them up they just let me, when i pat them they roll right over as if they simply trust i will not hurt them. they should have survival instants but adapt to be living as a pet. they have no idea why their life is like it is, they are living in a world for people, they have a couple things like their dog dishes, but they are in a human environment. it is like a metaphor for how i feel. i just sit in my room on the computer, i program and work on my many sites. at night i like to stay awake and get high, i watch movies and tv shows i downloaded. i find things in them that relate to what i was thinking about recently. i like it at night because every1 else in the house is asleep, but sometimes i hear sounds from the living room. i have thought maybe 24/7 is someone almost baby sitting me and they have shifts and the sounds i hear are them changing. i have experimented with salvia divinorum before and my first "trip" i could sense the presence of what i thought to be a god-like being who always watches me as if i was a small child... or sick pet. like maybe i can't take care of myself and what i think is taking care of myself is simple everything being done for me, like feeding dogs. i have thought maybe i am just retarded, but no one has told me. at school i am currently in a higher level calculus course, the equivalent of second year university calculus. last year i took a similar course but in physics, it was not as high a level as my current calculus course but it was still a higher level class. i found it so easy i wondered how it could be considered hard. my classmates had trouble understanding the simplest concepts. my current classmates act like every1 is soooo stupid. i think if i am retarded in these sped classes, they may also be retarded. it would be very ironic if a bunch of "normal" people worked so hard to make us retards feel smart and good about ourselves, and then they go and call them stupid. my classmates come to me for math help all the time, and i worry they are just humouring me. the opposite happens with classes like English. in English we are doing a Shakespeare play, and the teacher makes connections between things that there are no connecting, claims parts of the play are in parallel with other parts, and as far as i can tell they are not. there are so many details picked out of the play that i swear are not there. it is like Shakespeare and Shakespeare readers are aware of a logical or reason process i am blind too. i think i may be blind to a lot of the world, and everyone around me knows it. i goto jiu jitsu, my friend, who is very sympathetic to people with mental problems, convinced me to goto a class. i really liked it, its a very interesting sport. i started going a lot and the other ppl there where very nice to me. they told me i was getting better and better and doing really good. every time we grapple or spar i always loose. i think he may have been getting me to go, so i would do so bad, and every1 there knows it and is in on it. i am kind of suspicious of this friend because the first time i went to his house, on his computer he had one of my websites bookmarked. i shrugged it off because i thought maybe some1 else i knew who he also knew may have told him of my site. but now i wonder who it would have been. all this paranoia i thought may have been because of my marijuana usage so i stopped smoking it. this was right before exams last year. after stopping i became very "dopey" and started to notice effects described by anti-marijuana ads. i did poorly on all of my exams but math and physics, and even on those exams i remember having to think for a long time to remember what a sign meant, but i still knew how to do all the problems. ever sense then i have been on and off it. my friends think i am stoned when they see me at school when i am not, but when i am they seem to not think i am. its like they are making fun of me for getting high, but only when i am sober. i think the teachers even may be in on it. in my computer science class i found the assignments really easy, they where the simplest things they could assign. my teacher in that class walked by me and saw what i was doing and asked "why are you in this course?" as if i am so beyond it. the first assignments i purposely did as cleverly as i could, the weirdest most unconventional methods i could think of to get it done, and the teacher commented on it later. he said "we have to watch you" as if to make me think i am some skilled hacker. one of my classmates in that computer science class seemed to be as good a programmer as myself, but he was very interested in drugs. he has never done any but asked me all kinds of questions about them and what they are like. it makes me wonder if drugs are even real. maybe it is just how i explain my state of mind to myself, or maybe its a placebo. he may just be interesting in all these drugs i may have made up, and what i made up about them. there effects, there risks, the after effect, etc. i wonder if people are trying to see whats going on in my mind. i can plug my computer into the tv and play a movie, as if the computer was a dvd player, but for downloaded movies, and my mum gets me to wire it to a cable going to the living room computer and play movies shes asked for. i think she does not watch them for entertainment because she gets up during the movie a lot, so i think maybe she does it to get a glimpse into my world. now this may be a good thing or it may be a bad thing. if people are trying to get inside my head, and there is something wrong with me, they may be trying to fix it. but they may not have good intentions, and are trying to exploit me, or are currently exploiting me. i have had a hallucination before. i was in the corner if what i guessed was a futuristic lab, this corner was what i see now as reality. there where people observing me, as if they where scientifically curious, not just watching me be retarded for a funny. i recognized one of the people watching me, it was one of my old friends from a few years ago who i stopped trusting. the only other thing i remember from this was that i was sitting at a table, and there was a lot of cups, plates and bowls on it. i was picking them up and moving them to another table in a specific order. when i came back to reality, i had a cup a plate and a bowl, all with food in them. i was at my computer desk, and i moved them to on top of my tv, witch is close to my bed so i could watch a movie or something in bed and eat. i do this every night. not the hallucination but the going to bed with tv on, and having food to eat while i watch tv while i fall asleep.
from what i read on this forum, people who have schizophrenia don't realize the signs. so if its not schizophrenia what could it be?
ty for reading.
Last edited by matt2.718; 01-08-2007 at 03:12 PM.