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Old 04-06-2007, 08:30 PM   #1
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my story and a question. (can SZ go away?)

last year, i was diagnosed with childhood onset paranoid schizophrenia. i have been having hallucinations since i was 4 years old, and have been hearing voices since i was 6. i have been paranoid since before i can even remember. i felt as though people were going to kill me, that they thought i was a freak, and that they could hear my thoughts. i also have this thing where i cant have pictures of people on my walls because i thought that they were real people and that they would hurt me, judge me and that even the pictures could read my thoughts. i remember from a very early age that this blue figure was stalking me. i told my parents about it, but they told me that it was all in my dreams. i believed them for a while, but then it dawned on me that i would see this figure during the day, when i wasnt asleep. i also remember never showing my feelings. the only feelings i could show were anger and frustration. i never felt sad or pain. the only time i can remember really feeling sad was when my pet chicken, (yes, i had a pet chicken. it sounds strange, but i was only 6), patch got killed by the neighbors dog. i remember crying very hard, not understanding in my 6 year-old mind why anything so terrible could happen. after that, i promised myself that i couldnt let my emotions show again. everything went down hill from there. i couldnt trust anyone, i became angry at the smallest things and would retaliate against those i saw as a threat. eventually in my teens, i became heavily addicted to marijuana, and was sent to a rehab facility in Utah. i have never been so afraid, so alone. i was told i was a bad person for being gay, that they had to watch me closely so i didnt hurt the other girls on my unit. i became deeply depressed, suicidal even. i began cutting myself to relieve my inner pain, pain i thought i was incapable of feeling. they put me in a place known as development, where i was watched 24 hours a day. the woman who watched me, was horrible. she made me feel as though i was completely worthless, the scum of the earth. i was at the program for 9 months, and i spent maybe 7 of those months in development.
after i was released because i had turned 18, i was sent to california's inland empire to a residential treatment program for young adults. it was better there, but i got in trouble alot for throwing tantrums, making inappropriate comments and basically being a drama queen. finally, the program moved me into a motel to get me away from the other residents. it was here that i realized that i had a real problem. i started to withdraw from people, keeping my thoughts, my world, to myself.
i remember when i first realized that i might have schizophrenia. i took a psychology class at the local community college and when we covered a small portion of abnormal psychology, i saw myself in the description of SZ. i told my counselor, and my therapist. they flatly rejected the idea, saying that i was reading in to this to much. they then refused to let me continue taking psychology. this infuriated me. how dare they say that i was lying about what i was going through. but i kept my mouth shut anyway.
2 years after i entered the california program, i was sent home. i cant remember being so happy.
a year and a half after i came home, i started to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. after about 6 months of working with him, he asked me a question i thought no one would ever ask me. he said "do you hear voices?" i was stunned. i said "yes, and i have been hearing them since i was 6." he asked me if i saw things that no one else could see, if i was paranoid, if i had trouble focusing, taking care of myself, if i became extremely angry at the smallest things and if i had trouble expressing my emotions or didnt seem to have emotions at all. finally he stopped asking me questions and looked out the window, thinking. i said, "i have schizophrenia, dont i?" he looked at me and told me that he would have to look into it somemore, but, yes, i probably did. i was thrilled. i finally had a name for what had been going on with me for so long. he then put me on abilify for my symptoms. it was amazing. for the first time in my life, there were no voices, no hallucinations, no paranoia. i even felt emotions. i had my life back.
my PNP eventually confirmed that i did indeed have childhood onset paranoid schizophrenia, and since that time he has switched me to zyprexa to help not only with the schizophrenia, but also my chronic insomnia. i have to say that i have never felt better.
so here is my question. i recently ran out of my zyprexa, maybe a month ago, and non of my symptoms have come back. is it possible that my schizophrenia just went away?

 
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Old 04-07-2007, 02:06 AM   #2
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ozzmo HB User
Re: my story and a question. (can SZ go away?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiajmb View Post
last year, i was diagnosed with childhood onset paranoid schizophrenia. i have been having hallucinations since i was 4 years old, and have been hearing voices since i was 6. i have been paranoid since before i can even remember. i felt as though people were going to kill me, that they thought i was a freak, and that they could hear my thoughts. i also have this thing where i cant have pictures of people on my walls because i thought that they were real people and that they would hurt me, judge me and that even the pictures could read my thoughts. i remember from a very early age that this blue figure was stalking me. i told my parents about it, but they told me that it was all in my dreams. i believed them for a while, but then it dawned on me that i would see this figure during the day, when i wasnt asleep. i also remember never showing my feelings. the only feelings i could show were anger and frustration. i never felt sad or pain. the only time i can remember really feeling sad was when my pet chicken, (yes, i had a pet chicken. it sounds strange, but i was only 6), patch got killed by the neighbors dog. i remember crying very hard, not understanding in my 6 year-old mind why anything so terrible could happen. after that, i promised myself that i couldnt let my emotions show again. everything went down hill from there. i couldnt trust anyone, i became angry at the smallest things and would retaliate against those i saw as a threat. eventually in my teens, i became heavily addicted to marijuana, and was sent to a rehab facility in Utah. i have never been so afraid, so alone. i was told i was a bad person for being gay, that they had to watch me closely so i didnt hurt the other girls on my unit. i became deeply depressed, suicidal even. i began cutting myself to relieve my inner pain, pain i thought i was incapable of feeling. they put me in a place known as development, where i was watched 24 hours a day. the woman who watched me, was horrible. she made me feel as though i was completely worthless, the scum of the earth. i was at the program for 9 months, and i spent maybe 7 of those months in development.
after i was released because i had turned 18, i was sent to california's inland empire to a residential treatment program for young adults. it was better there, but i got in trouble alot for throwing tantrums, making inappropriate comments and basically being a drama queen. finally, the program moved me into a motel to get me away from the other residents. it was here that i realized that i had a real problem. i started to withdraw from people, keeping my thoughts, my world, to myself.
i remember when i first realized that i might have schizophrenia. i took a psychology class at the local community college and when we covered a small portion of abnormal psychology, i saw myself in the description of SZ. i told my counselor, and my therapist. they flatly rejected the idea, saying that i was reading in to this to much. they then refused to let me continue taking psychology. this infuriated me. how dare they say that i was lying about what i was going through. but i kept my mouth shut anyway.
2 years after i entered the california program, i was sent home. i cant remember being so happy.
a year and a half after i came home, i started to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. after about 6 months of working with him, he asked me a question i thought no one would ever ask me. he said "do you hear voices?" i was stunned. i said "yes, and i have been hearing them since i was 6." he asked me if i saw things that no one else could see, if i was paranoid, if i had trouble focusing, taking care of myself, if i became extremely angry at the smallest things and if i had trouble expressing my emotions or didnt seem to have emotions at all. finally he stopped asking me questions and looked out the window, thinking. i said, "i have schizophrenia, dont i?" he looked at me and told me that he would have to look into it somemore, but, yes, i probably did. i was thrilled. i finally had a name for what had been going on with me for so long. he then put me on abilify for my symptoms. it was amazing. for the first time in my life, there were no voices, no hallucinations, no paranoia. i even felt emotions. i had my life back.
my PNP eventually confirmed that i did indeed have childhood onset paranoid schizophrenia, and since that time he has switched me to zyprexa to help not only with the schizophrenia, but also my chronic insomnia. i have to say that i have never felt better.
so here is my question. i recently ran out of my zyprexa, maybe a month ago, and non of my symptoms have come back. is it possible that my schizophrenia just went away?
Time tick tock tick tock

 
Old 04-07-2007, 06:03 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC,USA
Posts: 43
Catman74 HB User
Re: my story and a question. (can SZ go away?)

If it is SZ....It'll be back. You can up to 3 months or so w/o a relapse off meds, but it will be back. You can also be medicine refractory. This means that when you return to your meds that med may not work for you again and you might need a different med. This is why I chose to stay on my abilify. It works for me with few side effects. I will not return willing to the hell that is full blown SZ. I suggest you go back on your meds if they were working for you. Have a great day...

 
Old 04-07-2007, 12:48 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 91
Sophia85 HB User
Re: my story and a question. (can SZ go away?)

It can take six weeks to several months before a relapse occurs after being off medication. For me I can be fine for a while off of medication until a major stressor occurs then BOOM i'm back into my Schizoaffective symptoms.

The truth is that schizophrenic disorders can be managed very well but they can not be cured. On medication you can very succesfully mange your illness and have a very normal life but off medication the chances of doing so are slim to none.

 
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