Hi, i posted this thread in another forum regarding ocd, but felt that maybe i should post it here for feedback. I have included copies of posts that i have made to my journal as well to help provide more information. I appologise for the length of the post but i can be a very verbose person at times.
When i saw my psychiatrist last year he seemed to think i had OCD because i was having problems with various obsessions including a morbid fear of death or dying young and several complusions (such as repeating actions and counting in sets of 4 whilst avoiding 'bad' numbers etc) to prevent bad things from happening or ward off my obsessive thoughts and images. I would often see images of myself lying dead in bed and it would freak me out.
However that was a year ago. He wanted me to change to anafranil at the time and i freaked out because i have a fear of chemicals i am not familar with and didnt return to my next appointment thinking i could deal with it myself. It did lose its intensity after a while but didnt go away completely. Now i seem to have developed a completely new obsession if that is even what it is. I fear that i am suffering from some kind of psychosis because i feel spaced out a lot of the time, as though im walking around in a dream state. I am also having problems with chronic daily headaches. I am now spending hours and hours researching psychosis, schizophrenia and headaches on the internet. I am analysing every single thought i have to check for signs of psychosis and its is driving me around the bend.
How much research does one person need to do anyway? Its not like im a dr and can diagnose myself? Why cant my brain just drop the subject until i have seen my dr about it again? AAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Excuse me, its driving me barmy!
I have made an appointment to see my psychiatrist again shortly but i am terrified that he will want me to try the anafranil again. Not only do i have to contend with my original fear regarding changing medications (which in short is that i will take it, i will have a bad reaction it and become ill or die) but now i have this awful fear that i will take it, get worse, wont know what im doing and will hurt my son as a result. Im terrified, i couldnt stand it if i hurt my son, the thought is making me feel sick. I am worried that i may not know what im doing and hurt someone or my son at the best of times, especially with the feeling spaced out, but i am even more concerned that the anafranil will make matters worse. It does say on the cautions list not to give it to patients who suffer from psychosis or schizophrenia.
I used to have a fear of hurting myself or my son in my sleep so im not sure if this is a variation of that one or not? I do know that my mother suffered with anxiety and depression and during her later years (65 onwards) she became paranoid and delusional. I am terrified that my depression and anxiety will take a similar course.
I also feel like i cant organise my thoughts as well as i used to be able to. I will try to organise my household chores for the day, my brain will take one look at the washing pile and give up because it doesnt quite know where to start! I also cant remember when i took my medication. Im on painkillers for sciatica and my headaches and i will often need to debate with myself over when i took my last dose. I will go to take one and will find myself thinking "am i sure i havent already taken one" to which i respond "im sure i havent but i could have, but i dont think i have anyway" to which i respond again "well am i sure i havent taken one? perhaps i shouldnt take it incase i have already taken one" to which i then respond "im sure i havent taken one" and then start trying to retrace my steps over the last 4 hours to check i havent infact already taken one. I worry i will forget that i have taken one, take another one and overdose by mistake, become ill and then die as a result. I have tried writing down when i take one but then i find myself questioning if i have writen it down correctly. I have treid putting out what i need for the day/hour but then i worry i that i didnt put them out correctly in first place.
Also i have a nagging feeling that i have forgotten something a lot of the time and i dont know what exactly. The last few times ive left the house ive had to check i had my keys and purse 4 times before i even shut the door!
I feel like im developing early onset altziemers or something, its seriously doing my head in.
I also tend not to go out very much at the moment because im afraid i will forget who i am, where i live, get confused or not know what im doing and hurt someone when im outside. So i find myself only going out when i absolutely have to in order to avoid the anxiety it creates.
Is this ocd, schizophrenia, psychotic depression, garden variety anxiety or something else entirely?
Help because its driving me crazy.
Last edited by Enigmatic_Soul; 06-08-2007 at 08:04 AM.
OH dear, serves me right for babbling on really doesnt it! The text was too long for one post so im going to have to split it into several posts instead. Again my appologies and please try and bear with me.
I am struggling with it lately, whatever it is. When i was 18/19 i had one obsession, i was worried about being burned in a fire and started flicking light and plug switches to ease my anxiety. Over the years i have picked up more and more obsessions and i think the next one to jump on the bandwagon was a fear of chemicals. As well as taking medications im unfamiliar with i also worry about getting certain chemicals on my skin incase they get into my system and make me ill in some way. The next were concerns about burglary and ive not been on holiday for over 4 years because the last time i went on one i felt panicy and kept ringing people up to check the house. I cant leave my house empty overnight now so cant go on holiday. Even when my son was ill (it wasnt life threatening) i couldnt spend the night at the hospital with him, i had to call his dad to stay with him so i could come home and check the house. I feel terrible about that, when my son is ill, my house should not be my primary concern but i kept seeing images of it being burgled in my head and i sometimes have nightmares about it too.
Then i went through a religious phase where i was terrified that god would smite me for the smallest of things, even though i dont see god as being that vengeful (actually i dont see him as vengeful at all, i see him as a guide, teacher and a source of love/strength). But i would be sitting on the bus for example and a large lady would get on and i would think to myself 'fat cow' and then feel dreadful for thinking it. Im not exactly skinny myself and how insulting to refer to someone who is large as a fat cow. Im glad i didnt say it outloud but i was terribly worried that god would smite me for it and something awful would happen as a result.
I stopped studying as well because i was worried that god would send me mad for asking for answers to questions i was not meant to know the answers to (which is just stupid, knowledge can be very beneficial at times). I also have trouble losing weight because i worry god will smite me for being vain. For crying outloud since when was it wrong to look after your health and body? I am terrified of reaching target weight all the same as i fear that something awful will happen when i do, such as i will be horribly scarred in a fire for my vanity or i will suddenly die or something.
Along with, or just after the religious stuff, i developed a morbid fear of death or dying young. I have nightmares about that too. I will put something in the fridge for example and suddenly get the feeling that if i dont touch the item whilst counting in sets of 4 until it feels right i will suddenly die. It can apply to any activity im doing at the time, i could be folding washing and feel the need to fold an item in a certain way in order to prevent an early death, or i may need to reread the same sentance over and over when im reading a book and so on. Editing long posts is a nightmare because they have to feel right too. Its ridiculous really, because how in the hell can rereading the same sentance over and over or editing a post numerous times prevent anyone from suddenly dying? To add to that i cant use things like elipses for example because i fear i will die if i do. I challange it when im feeling brave and have used them a few times, but usually i just cant seem to get past the anxiety using them seems to create. This obsession became much much worse after my mother passed away two years ago.
Ive also had concerns about harming people, although until recently that one has always run at a lower level than the other ones, but it now seems to be one of my primary concerns along with the death one. The checking and memory concerns are new, usually i repeat actions as opposed to check, now it seems im checking as well.
I am also sometimes concerned about food being contaminated. When shopping i cant always just pick up the first box on the shelf, i have to touch all of them until i find one that feels right out of a fear that it may be contaminated, that i will bring it home, eat it and die.
What concerns me though are the memory problems, the not being able to organise myself lately and the feeling spaced out. Some of my thoughts could be said to be paranoid. For example i recently had my front door painted and whilst the painter was doing his job i left my cup of coffee unattended. I was then worried that he may have contaminated it some way, ie may have spiked it or gotten paint in it or something. I did my little ritual and drank the coffee anyway because why in the hell would the painter spike my coffee? I had no reason to believe he would but why am i having thoughts like that in the first place? I think my main concern was that i would drink something that was contaminated become ill and die, but still, someone spiking my drink? Thats a bit paranoid.
Also the reglious concerns are making a comeback recently. I have an interest in the paranormal so i logged onto a paranormal forum board expecting to read stories about grey ladies etc. What i found were people worrying about whether their house was haunted and replies that seemed to be overly concerned with demonic presences. This started a two week long debate with myself over the existance of demons, with my line of logic arguing that if i believed in god then i must believe in demons too. I dont know for crying out loud and ive gone past caring. Its not really a question one can answer with any certainty is it and i dont know if its a question i really want to answer anyway (see above). Its all a matter of personal belief and faith. It wasnt demons i logged on to read about, im more interested in parapsychology, so i prefer to look at it from psychological point of view as opposed to a spiritual one. At the moment i cant read about the paranormal at all (except for things like cryptozoology or alien abduction stories).
I then read a passage about a women who believed her depression was caused by demonic possesson. At the time i giggled at it but now i wish i hadnt because shortly afterwards my brain started firing the thought "perhaps your illness is caused by demons and you are being plagued by them" at me. Firstly they are my own thoughts, secondly its highly unlikely demons have anything to do with it but why in the hell am i having that thought in the first place? Does a part of me believe it? Is that why it keeps popping up? If i do believe it that scares me because im worried im losing my mind or something.
All this stuff used to be somewhat manageable, but as ive gotten older ive got so many obsessions (if that is what they are) that i feel as though im backed into a corner by them. Everything i do triggers something, and i cant even enjoy my interests and hobbies anymore either. Its definately become worse since my mother died. It used to let up in intensity, or i used to think it did, but these days it seems to be taking a chronic course and its getting worse as i age.
Im scared to tell my dr some of this stuff incase they take my son off me because they think im a complete nutter and not capable of looking after him. At the same time if he did stay with his dad for a while i wouldnt have to worry about hurting him but the last time he stayed with his father because i was ill he got very upset with me because i couldnt have him with me. He likes his routine, he stays with me in the week and with his dad at weekends and is happy with things that way. I asked him if he wanted to stay with his dad recently and he got very upset over it so i dont want to ask him again as i dont want to upset him. Besides the last time he went on an extended holiday with his dad i was terrified i would die before he got back and that i would never see him again.
The image of seeing msyelf lying dead in my head has now progressed to including the image of my son weeping over my dead body. Its a heartbreaking image to see and i think it would scar him for life to lose his mother at such a young age. It makes me feel physically sick when the thought hits me.
At the moment it feels that no matter which way i turn, im trapped by whatever this is. Im in a terrible faff over it and my drs appointment is a few weeks away yet.
So anyway i had a run in with some individuals on another site a few months back and i think that is what is feuling my present slump. I know i shouldnt take notice of people online, especially those who have never met me in person, but im over sensitive and i do tend to rely on the internet as a social outlet at the present time. As much as i like my own company, i do need the company of others now and again. Im not a complete recluse and do need contact with the outside world.
Anyway they kept posting spiteful comments to my forum topics and **** so in the end i gave up and have mostly stayed away from the site. They've been doing it on and off for two years now and i dont think they are going to leave me alone if i remain on there. I was very open about my depression and anxiety and i think that was a mistake to be honest. They have had much fun twisting my words and using them against me. They also seem to like to diagnose me and have accussed me of suffering from everything from bipolar disorder to borderline presonality disorder to munchesauns by proxy to psychosis and schizophrenia.
How did they arrive at those conclusions?
Bipolar disorder because i post a lot. Because i post a lot they assume i must be manic. Lets just ignore the fact im a chatty person and i type rather quickly. And yes i do rant a lot when im angry, it gets it out of my system.
Borderline personality disorder? I have no idea but i think its because i argue back with them when they take a dig and then come across as being angry or something. That may relate to their online diagnosis of bipolar as well.
Munchaseuns by proxy because once i made a post about my son having a viral infection and being ill. He had spent the night in the hospital as a result but all turned out well in the end and he made a full recovery. When i made that post they basically spent the next few weeks posting their diagnosis to the forum boards and copy and pasting posts i made into their blogs in order to criticise me.
Psychosis and schizophrenia came about when i posted about listening to some EVP recordings i had made. The post was tongue in cheek and what i thought was EVP turned out to be background noise anyway. I tried to explain the concept of EVP but they seemed to insist and insist and insist that i was hearing voices and therefore must be psychotic. I have never heard voices outside the context of trying to record some EVP , and that was a one off. Usually i dont dabble in such things because if i really did hear anything that was a genuine EVP in my house, it would scare the pants off of me.
It was on this site that i met the ex who thought it was appropriate to make me believe he had feelings for me before dumping me on the first annaversary of my mothers death by email/IM and refusing to discuss anything on the telephone or speak to me in person. He also turned nasty when i emailed him about STD results as i had gone for STD tests and wondered if he wanted to know the results when they came through. They came through clear and i never did email him to tell him as when i asked if he wanted said results he accussed me of trying to ruin his new relationship by bringing such matters up in the first place and informed me that he had given his new partner all the personal emails i had sent him to read.
Ok fine whatever, im glad he was so confident he didnt have anything but with his history of sleeping around he is lucky. He jumps from one partner to the next and declares each of them to be the love of his life every time.
Anyway all of this has really upset my social anxiety and it was after my ex pulled the trick he did and after the many arugments online with certain individuals on that site that my social anxiety progressed to anxiety about just going out in general. They have pulled me to pieces so badly that my confidence has really suffered because of it.
Ok so other than my ex and one of his freinds ive never met anyone from that site, so they are really in no position to comment but still, i was hurt by it. I of course made it worse by trying to argue my case and responding to their digs, and the more i tried to defend myself the more i was accused of being out of control and suffering from whatever mental illness they felt like throwing at me at the time. When i split with my ex i was driven off other sites that he and i were a member of, and in one instance, on a site he moderates, he banned me for no good reason at all, other than he could because he was a moderator.
I have no doubt that the people pulling me apart knew my ex. In the post regarding munchaseuns by proxy when in response to my post about my son being ill, someone posted my OP to their journal and the comments regarding it went something like this:
I dont believe she even has a son, she is probably posting it for attention.
No ive spoken to her ex and he says there is a child
I feel sorry for her child, she is a prime candidate for munchaseuns by proxy
blah blah blah blah.
Annoying, they should have spoken to my ex more than they seemed to, when he finished with me one of the things he said was:
"you are selfish except for with that child of yours"
That child has a name, his name is michael and he knew that. And my son should come first, he is a child for gods sake, no man can expect me to put him before my 9 year old son. What the ****?
This from a man who said he was going to spend valentines day with me and then turned around at the last minute and said he couldnt because he was going to a party at a freinds house instead. And im selfish? OK whatever.
I got well and truely played i think. Less than 4 weeks after breaking up with me he went public about having a new partner. I suspect he was with that person long before breaking up with me. It was a long distance relationship and i have no way of knowing for sure, but going by the way it played out, i have my suspicions. He was dating someone else when he asked me out, and when i said to him i wouldnt get involved with someone who was already dating someone else he said something to the effect of "well if we had shown signs of working out i would have finished with them". Initially he had arranged to meet with me whilst he was actually visiting them for weekend but i pulled out when i found out he was supposed to be spending the weekend with them. I didnt realise he was in a relationship with someone at the time when i first arranged to meet with him. I should have kept my distance, but when his relationship with that person ended naturally i decided to give him a chance.
He hurt that lassy too and i did get emails from another of his exs warning me about him but ignored it and put it down to sour grapes at the time. Idiotic of me really because all the signs were there and my gut was screaming at me not to get involved with him.
Id just lost my mother and if it hadnt been for the fact that i was thinking "life is short i should take more chances" at the time i would never have got involved with him at all. I was grieving for my mother and he was there to offer comfort at the time. Looking back i think he played on that. I did tell him going into the relationship that i didnt think i was ready because i was still coming to terms with my mothers death. I tried to end things there and then but he said "bulls***" in response to my concerns and talked me into continuing to date him. I treid to end the relationship several times after that but by then i had developed strong feelings for him and each time i let him talk me around again. My mistake.
Anyway i think i should stay away from the site, im depressed, anxious and vulnerable at the moment and that gives them too much room to play with my head. When they started accusing me of suffering from psychosis, they hit on a fear i have because of my mothers battle with mental health issues, and that, along with the anxiety of arguing with them, i think is what caused a new obsession to form regarding it.
Anyway i should leave well alone i think, theyve had enough fun out of me to last me a lifetime. Im glad they are enjoying themselves cause their constant Biotching has left me feeling ill as a result. Ok i could have left sooner, but no one should be pushed off a public site because the other members lack good taste and dont realise when they are overstepping tasteful boundaries. My principles aside though, its just not worth the anxiety.
Let the snakes have their snake pit to themselves i say. Im tired of getting bitten and i sure as hell dont want their venom floating around my system posioning me. Id rather have the company of more trustworthy congenial people. The latter benefits me, its a much more encouraging and nuturing environment. The former simply makes me ill and seems to hold me back.
At the moment though, im dubious about everyone on the internet because of past events on that site. Im trying not to be because its not everyone elses fault, but still i cant help feeling a little cautious because of it all the same.
Last edited by Enigmatic_Soul; 06-08-2007 at 07:30 AM.
And the saga continues. Again my appologies, but i feel its important to include any relevant information if im going to resolve this.
My brain is obsessing again. Arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
At least when i was researching physical causes for my headaches and what not it shut my stupid obsession up, now ive settled on it being related to mental health issues its off again.
This may sound strange but here we go, i need to get this out of my head:
I feel spaced out with these headaches and im having difficulty thinking and organising my thoughts. My mother became delusional during the last few years of her life, as she genuinely believed that people were trying to kill her and no amount of trying to convince her otherwise would help. She would just accuse you of being in on the conspiracy as well. Towards the end it got so bad i had to call the emergency psychiatric team in, something for which i feel she never forgave me as she didnt think she was ill at the time. She would either refuse to go out and would set up traps around her house to stop people getting in (she believed they were breaking in to posion her food) or she would turn up at my place and refuse to go home insisting that if she did they would kill her. My brothers didnt really help out much as they couldnt stand it, so it was mostly left up to me to deal with her. One of my brothers, stephen, did eventually start to help a few months before she died though.
The thing that terrifies me is that i could develop a psychotic illness like my mother did, i have always been afraid of it because she started out with depression and anxiety herself before she started to become delusional in her later years (around the age of 65).
Anyway, to cut a long story short, the last time i saw my psychiatrist he wanted me to change medications from mirtazapine to anafranil. I went away, read the side effects list of anafranil, chickened out and never returned to the next appointment. That was a year ago. Why did i chicken out?
Back then i only had one reason for doing so, im am terrified of changing medications. I have a fear of chemicals i am not familiar with using, including medications. I am terrified i will get them on my skin, or take them; that they will have a bad effect on me and i will die or become ill as a result. So i tend to stick to what i know. If i attempt to take a new medication i see images in my head of myself lying dead whilst my son is stood weeping over my lifeless body. It makes me feel sick to be honest. To think that my son could find my dead body or lose his mother at such a young age, its not something i really want him to go through. It would scar the poor wee mite for life.
The second issue is the new issue that has surfaced. My initial assessment appointment is coming up and i know that when i do get to see the psychiatrist that a change of medication will be suggested (the mirtazapine are definately not working now). They may suggest anafranil again. Anyway on the side effects/cautions list it says: Do not give to patients who suffer from undiagnosed schizophrenia or psychosis, as tryclyclics can make psychosis worse apparently. Well that has me worried. What if the spaced out difficultly in thinking thing im getting with my headaches is actually psychosis? What if i have undiagnosed psychosis like my mum? What if i take the tablets and they make me worse and i dont know what im doing and i hurt my son as a result. The thought of it is making me feel sick, i feel really really sick when the thought hits me. I couldnt stand it if i didnt know what i was doing and hurt my baby, i really couldnt, its a horrible horrible thought.
So now i have both fears to deal with, and im analysing almost every aspect of my psyche and every thought i have to check for possible signs of psychosis. Im doing hours and hours of research on the internet on it to try and calm my fears and anxiety and im freaking out over it big time.
Ive taken trycylics before, i was on dothiepin many years ago and they were great, i had hardly any side effects from them at all. But that was before my drinking days. Shortly after coming off dothiepin (dosulpin) i took to drinking to deal with some postnatal depression i was experiencing. I dont drink now, i quit 6 years ago, and shortly after that they put me on mirtazapine. Ok so i was fin, or more than fine, on a trycylic before but what if my drinking days have changed my metabolism and they are no long suitable for me?
Im not happy about trying an SSRI. I dont like the list of side effects for those either. I think i may have tried an SSRI many years ago, i only took one tablet because it gave me such a bad migraine that i was bedridden for over a week and my speech was temporarily affected as a result of it. As im more familiar with trycyclics and they have suited me wonderfully in the past i lean towards having a preference for them. But what if? What if they are no longer suitable for me. I mean things can change right?
What the hell is wrong with me? Am i going mad? Is this psychosis? I get some weird thoughts sometimes i admit (although i dont think anyone is trying to kill me, im not that important, most people dont even know who i am). Or is this my OCD rearing up again?
I just wish my brain would start working properly. Im sooooo afraid of everything all time.
To me, it sounds like your first diagnosis: OCD. The "spaced out feeling" is called dissociation, and happens when there is too much anxiety. Correct the anxiety, correct the dissociation. As for the headaches, you may be having migraines, or chronic headaches. I don't have a reason to think they are connected with your feelings, fears and OCD. With that, talk to your primary care doctor. If you think they may be connected with anxiety, which it may be, bring it up at your next psyche appt.
All the fears about psychosis is just that, fears. You are not psychotic, and are not Schizophrenic (from my point of view).