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Old 07-18-2007, 06:17 PM   #1
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Need someone's opinion

Hey, I'm new here and I've been depressed for the last four years or so. I just started Paxil, only I don't believe I'm depressed. I think its something more.
I just started thinking that maybe I'm schizophrenic. I'm 19, by the way. Ever since I can remember I've always talked to myself. But I've always told myself that it was normal, everyone talks to themselves. Every now and then I'll talk to someone, and I'll tell them about my day and I'll even start saying, "watch this," and I'll do something. Then it hits me, I'm by myself. No one is in the room, who am I talking to? I do this in the car also. But then two minutes later I start talking again.
When I was in highschool I had many friends and I enjoyed doing outside activites, but in the past three years I've kind of isolated myself I guess you could say.
I go to work, come home, go to my room, and get on the computer. Thats a day for me, but i'm comfortable. I only have about two friends, one of which I can trust, and sometimes I miss my group of friends from school, but I lost contact with them because I was 'depressed'. I'm seriously starting to doubt that though.
Even at work I like to be by myself. I don't sit with people at lunch, and if someone tries to make a conversation with me, I don't respond much because I don't trust easily. I've learned you can't trust people.
Sometimes, but not often, I do hear voices. I blamed it on my conscience.
I did want to go to college, ironically for psychology, but I no longer care, which could be depression I suppose.
Lately I've become very ditzy and my memory is horrible. I feel like people are constantly talking about me at work, and I can't get over it. If someone laughs I shoot them daggers.
I've never had any harmful thoughts, against myself maybe, but not others.
One second I'm happy the next I'm mad at the world and want to be by myself.
I honestly don't know what to do because I can't tell my mother. I definitely can't tell my father, I haven't seen him in five years. And it does run in my family. My Grandma's Aunt hung herself when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I believe my Mom may be suffering a little also.
I'll walk into the kitchen and hear her talking to herself.
I have no clue what to do. I don't have insurance or money. Any advice is welcomed, and I'm sorry this was so long. I actually didn't mean for it to be.
This is the first place I found, and the only place at the moment.

Last edited by crystalrain87; 07-18-2007 at 06:22 PM.

 
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Old 07-18-2007, 06:32 PM   #2
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Waffles93 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

Your story is very similar to mine. I was diagnosed w/ depression originally, but a year later, I started having psychotic symptoms. I, too, have always talked to myself, but I started hearing voices, hallucinated, was delusional and very paranoid (still am). I have had constant, very violent thoughts regarding my roommates. In all honesty, I firmly believe demons are inserting thoughts into my head. I have always been a fairly passive person and can't really explain concretely why I have so much animosity towards my roommates, but the fact remains that it is present and very real to me.
My new diagnosis is major depression w/ psychotic features, but I think that I may be at least schizo-affective. I have had several periods that I believe are clearly mania. For some reason, my pdoc ignored the mania. I have to meet w/ him again, b/c I've been through a variety of meds that have done little to nothing.
I think many of your experiences are certainly not "normal," especially w/ your family history in mind. I would encourage you to see a psychiatrist.
God bless.

 
Old 07-19-2007, 05:51 AM   #3
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Stella2847 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalrain87 View Post
Hey, I'm new here and I've been depressed for the last four years or so. I just started Paxil, only I don't believe I'm depressed. I think its something more.
I just started thinking that maybe I'm schizophrenic. I'm 19, by the way. Ever since I can remember I've always talked to myself. But I've always told myself that it was normal, everyone talks to themselves. Every now and then I'll talk to someone, and I'll tell them about my day and I'll even start saying, "watch this," and I'll do something. Then it hits me, I'm by myself. No one is in the room, who am I talking to? I do this in the car also. But then two minutes later I start talking again.
When I was in highschool I had many friends and I enjoyed doing outside activites, but in the past three years I've kind of isolated myself I guess you could say.
I go to work, come home, go to my room, and get on the computer. Thats a day for me, but i'm comfortable. I only have about two friends, one of which I can trust, and sometimes I miss my group of friends from school, but I lost contact with them because I was 'depressed'. I'm seriously starting to doubt that though.
Even at work I like to be by myself. I don't sit with people at lunch, and if someone tries to make a conversation with me, I don't respond much because I don't trust easily. I've learned you can't trust people.
Sometimes, but not often, I do hear voices. I blamed it on my conscience.
I did want to go to college, ironically for psychology, but I no longer care, which could be depression I suppose.
Lately I've become very ditzy and my memory is horrible. I feel like people are constantly talking about me at work, and I can't get over it. If someone laughs I shoot them daggers.
I've never had any harmful thoughts, against myself maybe, but not others.
One second I'm happy the next I'm mad at the world and want to be by myself.
I honestly don't know what to do because I can't tell my mother. I definitely can't tell my father, I haven't seen him in five years. And it does run in my family. My Grandma's Aunt hung herself when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I believe my Mom may be suffering a little also.
I'll walk into the kitchen and hear her talking to herself.
I have no clue what to do. I don't have insurance or money. Any advice is welcomed, and I'm sorry this was so long. I actually didn't mean for it to be.
This is the first place I found, and the only place at the moment.
I just found this site and wonder why I didn't search for something like this much sooner. I am the 60 year old mother of a 40 year old man whom I wish had the insight you do at this point. I work have worked in the medical field for years, yet all of this still overwhelms me. The reason I am writing is to encourage you to be open with someone you have cofidence in - a former teacher? Aunt? Uncle? While you are smart enough you feel you need help, it would be wise to get some help. If you have a primary doctor BE SURE they take you seriously. If someone isn't on track with you, and this is schizolphrenia, and over time gets worse - you very probably will come to a point (my opinion now, from all I have observed) that you don't need help and that it is everyone else that is very, very sick or bad. You will be in my thoughts - and prayers - you clearly are very smart and I believe in my heart recognizing something is amiss is such a blessing for you. You are one step ahead of many others. Sincerely, Pat

 
Old 07-19-2007, 06:24 AM   #4
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crystalrain87 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

Thank you both for your replies. Will it ever be cured though? Will I be able to get my memory back and walk into a room without feeling the world is against me? I'm kind of scared to get rid of the voices or the 'people', as crazy as that actually sounds. I've had them for as long as I can remember and I guess thats whats kept me from being lonely.
Pat, thank you for the encouraging words. I really appreciate it. I hope all goes well with you and your son. Its great to have a mother that's there for you like you are him, I even wish I had that. My mom did find someone about a year ago that is a pastor that she said I could speak to about my 'depression' so I was thinking maybe if I go to her, because I've turned her down many times, then I could tell her how I feel and whats going on and maybe she can reccomend someone to me. I don't know. But now I feel like I can't trust myself. Whats scarier is that all last night I've thought about stuff I've done, replaying it over and over in my head, and I truly believe, based on other people's experiences, I'm schizophrenic.

 
Old 07-19-2007, 03:24 PM   #5
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FlyingHi HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

I am a 32 year old Schizo. This summer I just came to terms with the fact that am sick and it is not because of the FBI, CIA or NASA, like I always think during an episode. I've been in 5 hospitals in the past 4 years, each time having a run in with the law. I've done some extremely embarassing things and said horrible things to good people. But, I cannot hurt myself over that, I have to accept what is done is done and I can only try and fix the future. If you suffer from paranoia (ie people talking about you at work), then more than likely you have a mental disorder. Delusions and voices, then you def. have Schiz. I wish I could tell you it will go away, but it always comes back. It usually begins in your mid twenties, late twenties, but for some it starts young. You need medication. That may stabalize you. I am on Seroquel and Lithium. Don't be scared of them, you can always go off them, but if you are paranoid, you need to do something ASAP, before you can't control it anymore and it controls you. My trigger season is the spring. I am dreading the spring, because I fear I will get sick again and repeat the cycle. Do yourself a favor, before it becomes full blown, get help. Accept you have a problem and seek a psychiatrist or therapist. I know, believe me, you do not want to go to a mental hospital. They are the worst. Catch it before it catches you. Be Well, Fly

 
Old 07-19-2007, 04:55 PM   #6
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Waffles93 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

FlyingHi and people diagnosed w/ SZ,
Are you completely aware that your delusions and paranoia are not real? The reason I ask is that I was told that the difference btwn major depression w/ psychotic features and SZ is that depressives understand that those things aren't real. I don't know how true this statement is.

 
Old 07-19-2007, 07:25 PM   #7
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FlyingHi HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

Waffles. That name makes me hungry! My father is a depressive and when he gets paranoia, he often thinks it is real. I think it is very hard to tell oneself that paranoia isn't real and most of the time we get caught up in it. If you can control it by "knowing" it isn't real, that is great, but it can easily get away from you and that's when you fall off the cliff. I'm not one to always push medication, but I had to come to terms that it does help, at least me. I'll probably be on it for the rest of my life, but if it keeps me level then so be it. So to answer your question in the abbrev. vers. Paranoia is paranoia and is obviously putting you in an anxiety state of mind. That anxiety is what hightens your mind and makes you manic. I literally cannot be stressed out, because if I get stressed out I get manic and paranoid. All has to do with the chemicals in your body. But if your paranoid and you know it, seek help. Be Well, Fly

 
Old 07-19-2007, 09:16 PM   #8
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neon_dreamer HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

Waffles,

I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and have had paranoia for the past 10 years. It wasn't until I experienced my first manic episode last year that I realized how severe my paranoia was. My delusions were persecutory in nature and involved the idea that people were following me, watching me through cameras installed in my apartment (or headlights of vehicles that passed my apartment complex) and poisoning my food. It wasn't until I was put on medication that the paranoia began to improve. I've been on meds (500 mg of Depakote 2x/day and 4 mg of Risperdal) since last February and no longer experience paranoia, but my symptoms return if I'm off my meds for any length of time.

 
Old 07-20-2007, 07:51 PM   #9
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crystalrain87 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

neon dreamer,
so then medication does help some? I've always been paranoid when it came to cameras. Sometimes I think my mom and step dad have put some in each room. When I worked in retail that had cameras, I constantly thought the camera was following me. I still do, now I work in the stock room. And I don't know why but when I walk to my car I always feel like people are watching me. I hate it.

 
Old 07-20-2007, 08:50 PM   #10
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Re: Need someone's opinion

crystalrain,

Yes, my meds definitely help keep my paranoia in check. (Risperdal addresses the paranoia while Depakote helps stabilize my mood.)

After talking to my tdoc about my paranoia, I learned how to self-talk by reminding myself that whatever delusion I was having wasn't real. Since the meds help me feel calmer and not so manic, exciteable or nervous, this is easier for me to do as opposed to when I am in a panicked or worried state.

Now that I understand the delusion I had about cameras being installed in my apartment not being real, it's easier for me to ignore, but then again, I haven't been off my meds since they were prescribed so I don't know if my paranoia (especially in regards to people following me or poisoning my food) would return if I stopped taking them.

If you don't mind my asking, are you seeing a pdoc? If not, perhaps you might consider that or even a PCP or GP who could prescribe something to help you relax. In my case, meds made a huge difference in my overall perception of the paranoia I was experiencing.

I know exactly what you are going through and it's no fun living in fear from day to day. I hope you're able to find meds (if that's the route you choose to take) that help relieve your paranoia.

neon_dreamer

 
Old 07-21-2007, 01:29 AM   #11
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emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: Need someone's opinion

I just stopped by this board for a bit of a read and came upon this thread. I am kind of glad that I did. Some of it really hits home and though I am not medicated nor seeing a doctor it def is a push to try and find the services in this rural Hades. I just thought some of it was me being me. It's all I have ever done or known. And now I wonder what is me, what is an illness, and what is just stress of life? It's all very confusing at this juncture. Take care of you.
Deb

 
Old 07-21-2007, 02:56 AM   #12
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Re: Need someone's opinion

Deb,

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type last year and I'm also trying to figure out the difference between my illness, personality and stress.

Even though I know what my triggers are (in regards to manic episodes), there have been times where I've been on the verge of mania, but I don't know if it's mania, normal excitement or something entirely different.

For example, earlier this month I had a series of positive events occur during a week which caused me to feel extremely euphoric, not sleep for 3 days and eat sporadically. I thought I was having a manic episode, but when I talked to my tdoc, he said it sounded like I was just expressing normal excitement just like anyone else would.

Since I've only had one manic episode (knock on wood), I'm at a loss to know what's mania vs. normal excitement.

The only difference I can come up with is that when I'm on my meds, I feel calm and leveled and don't ordinarily feel overly excited or happy about things.

However, when I told my tdoc how much different I felt from usual, he told me my reaction was completely normal.

The only thing that seems obviously clear to me in regards to illness vs. stress vs. what is just me are my paranoia and hallucinations. Both are being controlled by meds and I now understand they are not real.

However, if I went off my meds (which I don't plan on doing), there's the chance my paranoia and hallucinations could return and I would once again be left in the position of wondering what the difference was between my illness vs. real life.

I don't know if I've made any sense in this post, but I just wanted to say that I've had similar thoughts about the differences between my illness, personality and the normal stresses of life.

If anyone else has comments to share regarding this, I'd be interested in reading them.

neon_dreamer

Last edited by neon_dreamer; 07-21-2007 at 03:09 AM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 06:08 AM   #13
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Re: Need someone's opinion

Hi everyone,

After doing more research on manic episodes and reading information provided on the bipolar board, I now understand what mania is.

You can disregard my previous post.

neon_dreamer

Last edited by neon_dreamer; 07-21-2007 at 06:15 AM.

 
Old 07-21-2007, 02:38 PM   #14
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Re: Need someone's opinion

Hey all, mania usually follows after excitement or stress for me. That is why when good things happen now, I literaly try not to get too excited over them. I'm scared it might trigger a manic episode. I hate to live my life like that, but I have to keep myself in check. If I don't do that I'm in trouble. I read one of the post and it said your doctor said it was normal that you weren't eating or sleeping, that is never normal, even with excitement, a big tip off to getting sick is not eating or sleeping. Your mind gets away from you and it triggers you to not sleep. That's a huge sign, so please know to watch out for that. We can't be afraid to live our ives, but we also have got to be always aware of how we are feeling. If I feel just a little off, I eat a big meal and go to bed early, and if I still don't feel good the next day, I call the doc. Not sure if any of you have eating disorders, but that triggers mania too, so be careful about that. Be Well, Fly

 
Old 07-21-2007, 03:19 PM   #15
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Re: Need someone's opinion

Fly,

Thanks so much for that information -- it was very helpful. Earlier this month was the first time I can remember feeling very close to being manic which is why I was a little worried. I have an appointment with my pdoc next week and plan to discuss this further with him. My tdoc also suggested that I write a mood journal to help me get a better idea of how my moods change on a day to day basis. Having said that, I knew something wasn't quite right by the excitement I felt because I don't feel overly excited or happy by anything -- I just feel calm if that makes any sense. When I thought back to what my tdoc told me, he obviously overlooked my sleeping and eating patterns which as you said was an early sign of mania. Thanks for sharing your experiences! I've learned so much from you and others on the board!

neon_dreamer

Last edited by neon_dreamer; 07-21-2007 at 03:20 PM.

 
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